


#keepitcrispy

by Fjore



Series: Tales from the Crispyverse [1]
Category: Trollhunters (Cartoon)
Genre: Memes, Mild Language, More characters to be added, Multi, The language isn't mild at all anymore, another group chat fic, shenanigans af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:19:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 46,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14366862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fjore/pseuds/Fjore
Summary: This takes place in an alternate timeline in which Jim spares Bular's life during their fight in the museum. It's also told in that somewhat popular 'group chat' format because it looks fun to write. Expect shenanigans.





	1. The adventure begins

(usernames are as follows:

GnomeHunter: Jim

Tobias.D: Toby

KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

Blinky and Draal just use their names.)

7/14/16

**_8:51 PM [GnomeHunter] has created the group: Trollhunters_ **

**_8:51 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Tobias.D]_ **

8:51 PM [Tobias.D]: hey jim

8:51 PM [Tobias.D]: you alright?

8:52 PM [GnomeHunter]: my everything hurts

8:52 PM [Tobias.D]: least we dont have to worry about bular anymore

8:53 PM [GnomeHunter]: yeah

8:56 PM [Tobias.D]: man that was crazy

8:56 PM [GnomeHunter]: You think so?

8:57 PM [Tobias.D]: yeah you kicked the crap out of him

8:57 PM [GnomeHunter]: kinda

**_8:58 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Blinky]_ **

**_8:58 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Draal]_ **

8:59 PM [Blinky]: This was an excellent idea.

8:59 PM [Blinky]: It will be much easier to communicate this way.

9:00 PM [Draal]: why am I here I live under your house

9:00 PM [Draal]: you can walk down the stairs and tell me things

9:00 PM [GnomeHunter]: I'm not always home

9:01 PM [Tobias.D]: are you gonna add notenrique

9:01 PM [GnomeHunter]: ugh i guess

9:01 PM [Tobias.D]: his phone's got gps at least we can tell where he's going

9:01 PM [Blinky]: gps?

9:01 PM [Tobias.D]: it's this satellite thing that will tell us wherever he is

9:01 PM [Blinky]: Fascinating.

9:01 PM [Tobias.D]: right? praise shrek

9:02 PM [GnomeHunter]: toby I swear to god

9:02 PM [Draal]: what is a shrek

9:03 PM [Tobias.D]: Jim we should have a movie night

9:04 PM [GnomeHunter]: that actually sounds fun

9:07 PM [Tobias.D]: Arrrgh says hi

9:07 PM [Blinky]: Hello Arrrgh!

9:08 PM [Draal]: I am still confused

9:08 PM [Draal]: what is shrek

9:08 PM [Tobias.D]: You'll see.

9:08 PM [Tobias.D]: jim how does saturday sound

9:10 PM [GnomeHunter]: are we really doing that

9:10 PM [GnomeHunter]: saturday sounds good

9:11 PM [Draal]: I look forward to this movie night

**_9:11 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [kannibalkilla]_ **

9:11 PM [Tobias.D]: is that really notenrique's name lol

9:11 PM [Tobias. D]: edgy

9:12 PM [kannibalkilla]: so why am i here

9:12 PM [Draal]: I asked the same thing

9:12 PM [Tobias.D]: we should watch pulp fiction too

9:13 PM [GnomeHunter]: shrek and pulp fiction why

9:13 PM [Blinky]: Such a miserable excuse for literature.

9:14 PM [Tobias.D]: Not pulp novels

9:14 PM [Tobias.D]: it's a movie

9:14 PM [KannibalKilla]: what aint no country i ever heard of

9:14 PM [Tobias.D]: they speak english in what?

9:14 PM [GnomeHunter]: dorks

9:15 PM [GnomeHunter]: blinky i have to talk to you

__________

_**9:15 PM [GnomeHunter] has created the group: Other** _

_**9:15 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Blinky]** _

9:15 PM [GnomeHunter]: bular is standing in my yard

9:16 PM [Blinky]: We're on our way now

9:16 PM [Blinky]: I thought you killed him.

9:17 PM [GnomeHunter]: he's just standing there staring at me

9:17 PM [Blinky]: You didn't kill him.

9:17 PM [GnomeHunter]: while we were fighting there was a second where we stopped fighting

9:17 PM [GnomeHunter]: and in some way we kind of just understood each other?

9:17 PM [Blinky]: Understood each other? You should have killed him!

9:17 PM [GnomeHunter]: He's walking to the door


	2. The ghost of tobey maguire's carreer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't format.

_(usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Blinky and Draal just use their names. For now.)_

 

10:44 PM: [Tobias.D] So everybody kinda died

10:44 PM: [Tobias.D] What's going on?

10:44 PM: [GnomeHunter] bular was hanging out in my yard

10:44 PM: [Tobias.D] i thought you killed him jim what the heck

10:44 PM: [Tobias.D] what happened did you die

10:45 PM: [KannibalKilla] Yeah he's a ghost

10:45 PM: [KannibalKilla] like tobey maguire's carreer

10:45 PM: [Tobias.D] ha

10:45 PM: [Tobias.D] no really jim what happened are you okay

10:45 PM: [GnomeHunter] I'm okay

10:45 PM: [GnomeHunter] he kinda like

10:45 PM: [GnomeHunter] got on his knees and asked me to forgive him

10:46 PM: [Tobias.D] what

10:46 PM [GnomeHunter] and before I could tell him I forgive him he kinda swore his loyalty to me

10:46 PM [Tobias.D] w h a t

10:46 PM [Tobias.D] wait you forgive him

10:46 PM [Tobias.D] dude he tried to murder you

10:46 PM [GnomeHunter] I mean so did Draal but we're cool now

10:46 PM [Tobias.D] dude what if he sneaks up on you and rips your spine out

10:46 PM [KannibalKilla] fatality

10:46 PM [GnomeHunter] he won't do that

10:46 PM [Draal] He won't. As of now, we have nothing to fear from him.

10:47 PM [Tobias.D] guys what the hell where was I while this was happening

10:47 PM [GnomeHunter] You were in the shower.

10:47 PM [Tobias.D] I was.

10:47 PM [Tobias.D] you guys trust him just like that

10:47 PM [Draal] What do humans call it, trollhunter?

10:47 PM [GnomeHunter] Pinky swear.

10:47 PM [Tobias.D] a pinky swear guys for real

10:47 PM [Blinky] Indeed. It's an unbreakable oath, Tobias. Sacred to trollkind. This promise cannot be broken, under penalty of death.

10:47 PM [Tobias.D] are you guys fuckin with me right now

10:47 PM [Blinky] Language.

10:48 PM [GnomeHunter] that's exactly what i said, toby

10:48 PM [Tobias.D] what did hw tell you

10:48 PM [GnomeHunter] That his honor was destroyed and he could never hope to look his father in the eyes again

10:48 PM [Tobias.D] oh

10:48 PM [GnomeHunter] he wants to teach me to fight like him and gunmar

10:48 PM [Draal] I don't like it but he's right. You fight like a trollhunter, not a gumm-gumm.

10:49 PM [Tobias.D] so are you gonna add him

10:49 PM [GnomeHunter] I dont think he can even hold a phone

10:49 PM [Tobias.D] thats fair

10:49 PM [Tobias.D] when are you gonna add claire :^)

10:49 PM [GnomeHunter] don't make that face again

10:49 PM [GnomeHunter] I can see you typing from my window and you just tried to make that face

10:49 PM [Tobias.D] this one

10:49 PM [GnomeHunter] yes that one don't do it

10:50 PM [KannibalKilla] Ask bular about stricklander sometime

10:50 PM [KannibalKilla] Bular made him sing lullabies

10:50 PM [Tobias.D] HA

10:50 PM [GnomeHunter] i'm gonna ask about this

10:50 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm gonna sleep, night guys

10:50 PM [Tobias.D] night jim

10:50 PM [Blinky] Sleep well.

 

 


	3. MC Strickler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bular joins the chat. Laughter is had at Strickler's expense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This does actually follow the show's story I promise.

_(usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince  
_

_Blinky and Draal just use their names. For now.)_

 

8/18/16

_**12:31 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [DarkPrince]** _

12:31 PM [Tobias.D] lmao is that claire

12:31 PM [Tobias.D] thats not claire

12:31 PM [Tobias.D] jim did you really add Bular

12:32 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

12:32 PM [Tobias.D] bular your hands are huge how are you using a phone

12:32 PM [Blinky] Why are you texting in class?

12:32 PM [GnomeHunter] i'm bored

12:32 PM [Blinky] That's no excuse, master Jim. Return to your studies.

12:32 PM [DarkPrince] My hands aren't huge.

12:32 PM [KannibalKilla] your hands are huge

12:32 PM [KannibalKilla] Any idea where stricklander ran off to

12:32 PM [DarkPrince] Hopefully very far away.

12:33 PM [DarkPrince] If I see that miserable changeling again, I will eat him.

12:33 PM [KannibalKilla] Hey what's that song you made him sing to you

12:33 PM [DarkPrince] I will find it. I'm still learning to use youtube.

12:33 PM [Tobias.D] oh my god

12:33 PM [KannibalKilla] share it when you find it

12:33 PM [Tobias.D] yes, please do

12:33 PM [Blinky] You should be studying.

12:33 PM [GnomeHunter] coach lawrence isn't teaching us anything.

12:33 PM [Tobias.D] he's learning more than we are

12:34 PM [GnomeHunter] toby

12:34 PM [GnomeHunter] 10 o clock

12:34 PM [Tobias.D] what

12:34 PM [Tobias.D] HA what the shit

12:34 PM [GnomeHunter] Look at that thing

12:34 PM [Blinky] Language.

12:35 PM [Draal] What thing? Are you in danger?

12:35 PM [GnomeHunter] Steve's drawing penises on his assignment

12:35 PM [Draal] why

_12:35 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: bigboi.png_

12:35 PM [GnomeHunter] the detail

12:35 PM [Draal] that's dedication

12:35 PM [KannibalKilla] dat foreskin tho

12:35 PM [Tobias.D] This is hilarious he's focusing so hard

12:35 PM [KannibalKilla] hard

12:36 PM [Tobias.D] haha

12:36 PM [GnomeHunter] I kinda want to see when it's finished it looks like a lot of work is going into this

12:36 PM [DarkPrince] I found the song. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuzxNitGvKw>

12:37 PM [Tobias.D] OH MY GOD

12:37 PM [GnomeHunter] I'll listen when I get home i forgot my headphones

12:37 PM [Tobias.D] I will never look at strickler the same way again did he really sing this to you

12:37 PM [DarkPrince] Yes

12:37 PM [Tobias.D] just like the song?

12:37 PM [DarkPrince] Yes

12:37 PM [Tobias.D] MC Strickler

12:37 PM [GnomeHunter] toby's dying right now i need to hear this

12:37 PM [KannibalKilla] This song's hilarious

12:37 PM [Draal] It's garbage.

12:38 PM [KannibalKilla] SCUM's my shit dont hate

12:38 PM [Tobias.D] I don't think I can listen to this

12:38 PM [Blinky] I like it.

12:38 PM [Tobias.D] what

12:38 PM [GnomeHunter] what

12:38 PM [KannibalKilla] ...oh we have such sights to show you

__________

_**12:37 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Draal] to the group:Other**  
_

12:37 PM [GnomeHunter] Draal are you alright

12:37 PM [Draal] I do not like working alongside Bular. If he gives any reason at all, I'll kill him.

12:37 PM [Draal] He was right, however. Gunmar doesn't fight like we do and Bular can teach you.

12:38 PM [GnomeHunter] Do you think I should have killed him?

12:41 PM [GnomeHunter] Draal? _  
_


	4. Of ballbags and basement dwellers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire joins the party. Takes place roughly two weeks before S1e14.

_(usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince_

_Claire: L4dybug_

_Draal: Basement_dweller_

Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )

7/19/16

_**8:48 PM [Draal] is now known as [Basement_Dweller]** _

8:48 PM [Tobias.D] ...

8:48 PM [KannibalKilla] don't tell him

8:48 PM [GnomeHunter] I turned that song on and my mom came in to make sure I was okay

8:48 PM [Tobias.D] lol

8:48 PM [KannibalKilla] not bad right

8:48 PM [Tobias.D] I can't believe strickler sang this to bular

8:48 PM [GnomeHunter] I can picture it perfectly

8:48 PM [Tobias.D] So when are you gonna add claire :^)

8:48 PM [GnomeHunter] quit looking at my window and making that face

8:49 PM [Tobias.D] : ^ )

8:49 PM [GnomeHunter] dude

8:49 PM [Blinky] Starting tomorrow, you will train with both Draal and Bular. Is this correct, master Jim?

8:49 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

8:49 PM [Tobias.D] except saturday

8:49 PM [GnomeHunter] saturday is movie night

8:49 PM [Tobias.D] shrek and pulpfiction

_**8:49 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [L4dyBug]** _

8:50 PM [Tobias.D] finally

8:50 PM [GnomeHunter] what

8:50 PM [KannibalKilla] bout time, wuss

8:50 PM [L4dyBug] Thanks for adding me, Jim.

8:51 PM [GnomeHunter] no problem

8:51 PM [KannibalKilla] have you ever spoken to a female that wasn't your mother

8:51 PM [L4dyBug] wow

8:51 PM [Tobias.D] jim are you just gonna let him roast you like that

8:51 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah i guess

8:51 PM [DarkPrince] Would you like me to eat him

8:51 PM [GnomeHunter] not yet

8:52 PM [KannibalKilla] what do you mean not yet

8:52 PM [DarkPrince] Would you like me to eat you now?

8:52 PM [KannibalKilla] I'd like you to not eat me at all

8:52 PM [GnomeHunter] be nice, guys

8:52 PM [DarkPrince] I'm not nice.

8:52 PM [KannibalKilla] thats why you cant get find a lady that'll put up with you

8:52 PM [DarkPrince] I'm going to eat you.

8:53 PM [Tobias.D] wait don't eat anyone

8:53 PM [L4dyBug] This isn't what I thought it was going to be.

8:53 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah it was supposed to be a way for us to keep in touch in case anything crazy happens

8:53 PM [GnomeHunter] but it didn't really work out that way

8:53 PM [Tobias.D] hey I got a picture of steve's dick once he was done

8:53 PM [L4dyBug] what

8:53 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: flyingfuck.png

8:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] Why does it have wings

8:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] Humans are weird

8:53 PM [KannibalKilla] he drew wrinkles on the ballbag

8:54 PM [L4dyBug] I thought you meant an actual picture of steve's penis

8:54 PM [Tobias.D] you know i probably should have specified

8:54 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah you should have

8:54 PM [DarkPrince] That is absurdly detailed.

8:54 PM [KannibalKilla] you'd think he spends a lot of time lookin' at dicks

8:54 PM [Tobias.D] oh man do you think steve's gay

8:54 PM [GnomeHunter] I dunno but we shouldn't talk about him like this

8:54 PM [KannibalKilla] tru

8:54 PM [Tobias.D] you're right

8:54 PM [Blinky] Still, the attention to detail is impressive.

8:55 PM [L4dyBug] do u guys always talk about dicks in here

8:55 PM [Basement_Dweller] pretty often, yeah

8:55 PM [L4dyBug] wow

8:55 PM [KannibalKilla] more like dickhunters

8:55 PM [GnomeHunter] you can eat him if you want

8:55 PM [DarkPrince] Excellent.

8:55 PM [KannibalKilla] what no

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually plan to follow the entire series. Should be fun.


	5. Movie night part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody loves shrek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting from my phone so I'm not sure if it looks okay.

_(usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince_

_Claire: L4dybug_

_Draal: Basement_dweller_

_Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )_

_8/20/16_

9:01 PM [GnomeHunter] So I guess claire's got this thing with her parents

9:02 PM [L4dybug] i wish i could be there

9:02 PM [L4dybug] i haven't seen pulpfiction either

9:02 PM [Tobias.D] what

9:02 PM [Basement_Dweller] I'm eager to see this shrek that Tobias won't stop talking about.

9:02 PM [Tobias.D] you will soon feel his layers

9:02 PM [GnomeHunter] toby please

9:02 PM [Tobias.D] okay I cant find shrek so I'm bringing shrek 2

9:03 PM [Basement_Dweller] Alright.

9:07 PM [Blinky] That's not how the story goes.

9:07 PM [GnomeHunter] it is here

9:09 PM [Tobias.D] what if shrek gave fiona a concussion when he smashed her through the door

9:10 PM [GnomeHunter] that mermaid just died

9:10 PM [L4dybug] are u guys texting in the same room

9:10 PM [Tobias.D] yeah

9:10 PM [Basement_Dweller] More kissing. Disgusting.

9:10 PM [GnomeHunter] you guys wanna watch lord of the rings next time

9:11 PM [Tobias.D] i'm game

9:12 PM [Blinky] It's a movie?

9:12 PM [GnomeHunter] three of them based on the books

9:12 PM [Blinky] I must see this.

9:26 PM [Basement_Dweller] I don't like Fiona's father.

9:26 PM [Tobias.D] he sucks

9:26 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

11:00 PM [L4dybug] so how was movie night

11:02 PM [GnomeHunter] it was fun

11:02 PM [Tobias.D] for you

11:02 PM [Tobias.D] somebody kept busting ass

11:02 PM [KannibalKilla] you're like right at ass-height too

11:02 PM [KannibalKilla] wish i could have seen it

11:03 PM [Tobias.D] I will sit on you  
  


	6. f'sho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory 420 chapter.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )

8/26/16

11:39 AM [Tobias.D] guys wanna see a meme

11:39 AM [GnomeHunter] hit me

11:39 AM [Tobias.D] https://i.imgur.com/lJYgenh.jpg

11:39 AM [GnomeHunter] i take it back

11:40 AM [Basement_Dweller] What in the world

11:40 AM [Blinky] Why aren't you two studying?

11:40 AM [Tobias.D] we are studying

11:41 AM [DarkPrince] Hello

11:41 AM [GnomeHunter] wow bular's alive

11:41 AM [DarkPrince] Yeah.

11:41 AM [GnomeHunter] where have you been all week

11:42 AM [KannibalKilla] he's with me and my boy marshmallow

11:42 AM [GnomeHunter] marshmallow

11:42 AM [KannibalKilla] bular's pretty toasted

11:43 AM [Blinky] Toasted?

11:43 AM [Tobias.D] he's drunk

11:43 AM [Blinky] Is this where you've been all week, Bular?

11:43 AM [DarkPrince] Yes.

11:43 AM [KannibalKilla] he's not drunk

11:44 AM [Tobias.D] is he high are you guys smoking weed

11:44 AM [KannibalKilla] yes

11:44 AM [KannibalKilla] He's never done this before

11:44 AM [Tobias.D] how did you convince bular to smoke weed please I have to know this

11:44 AM [KannibalKilla] I just offered and he said f'sho

11:44 AM [DarkPrince] I did not say that

11:44 AM [L4dybug] did you even tell him what it was

11:44 AM [KannibalKilla] no

11:44 AM [GnomeHunter] send pictures

11:44 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file:slowroasted.png

11:46 AM [GnomeHunter] oh my god bular's face

11:46 AM [GnomeHunter] that has to be the largest blunt in recorded history

11:46 AM [L4dybug] is he okay

11:46 AM [L4dybug] wait you guys better not be smoking at my house

11:46 AM [KannibalKilla] nah we're in a ditch somewhere

11:46 AM [DarkPrince] It's nowhere too

11:47 AM [Tobias.D] notenrique get a video

11:47 AM [KannibalKilla] way ahead of you

11:48 AM [DarkPrince] I meant that in the sense that this drain is nothing compared to the rest of this world

11:48 AM [GnomeHunter] i need to see this

11:48 AM [Blinky] Bular what is wrong with your eyes?

11:48 AM [DarkPrince] I don't know.

11:48 AM [Tobias.D] he's just stoned

11:48 AM [Blinky] I'm not sure what you mean by that.

11: 48 AM [Tobias.D] steve's drawing dicks again

11:48 AM [Blinky] Do we need a swear jar?

11:48 AM [Tobias.D] bular draw a penis and send a picture

11:49 AM [DarkPrince] Why?

11:49 AM [L4dybug] why are we talking about penises again

11:49 AM [KannibalKilla] he's actually doing it

11:49 AM [Basement_Dweller] Are we doing this again?

11:50 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: dongzilla.png

11:50 AM [Blinky] Why?

11:50 AM [Basement_Dweller] That's quite detailed, Bular. Surely you must know your way around a penis.

11:50 AM [Tobias.D] shots fired

11:50 AM [DarkPrince] females were scarce among gumm gumms.

11:50 AM [GnomeHunter] what lemme read

11:51 AM [Tobias.D] wow that's not where I thought this was going

11:51 AM [GnomeHunter] oh

11:51 AM [L4dybug] are all boys this good at drawing penises

11:51 AM [GnomeHunter] probably

11:52 AM [KannibalKilla] how's this look

11:52 AM [kannibalkilla] has sent a file: dangle.png

11:52 AM [Tobias.D] looks like it needs training wheels

11:53 AM [GnomeHunter] oh my god

11:53 AM [KannibalKilla] it cant be that bad

11:53 AM [Tobias.D] have you ever left a gummy worm in the sun for too long

11:53 AM [Basement_Dweller] You should all seek professional help.

11:54 AM [Tobias.D] Jim's the trollhunter he is the professional help

11:54 AM [Basement_Dweller] we're doomed


	7. J u i c y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Humans are weird.

( _usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince_

_Claire: L4dybug_

_Draal: Basement_dweller_

_Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )_

_9/7/16_

7:15 PM [GnomeHunter] sooo training was interesting today

7:15 PM [L4dybug] what happened

7:15 PM [GnomeHunter] well notenrique was there for some reason idk why he was hanging out at my house again

7:15 PM [GnomeHunter] Bular and Draal got into it pretty bad

7:15 PM [Tobias.D] bular tripped and accidentally teabagged NE

7:16 PM [L4dybug] jfc u guys are gross lol

7:16 PM [DarkPrince] I didn't mean to. He's small and he was in the way.

7:16 PM [DarkPrince] Why do you call it that?

7:16 PM [Tobias.D] what

7:16 PM [Tobias.D] teabag?

7:16 PM [DarkPrince] Yes.

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] Think about that for a second.

7:16 PM [KannibalKilla] Why are you laughing about this

7:17 PM [L4dybug] I'm not

7:17 PM [Tobias.D] I am

7:17 PM [Basement_Dweller] doubt I could think of a worse punishment than that

7:17 PM [KannibalKilla] I'm gonna smell like that giant idiot's ballsweat for weeks

7:17 PM [Blinky] Here I thought you couldn't smell any worse.

7:18 PM [Tobias.D] damn roast him blinky

7:18 PM [KannibalKilla] why are you all picking on me tonight

7:18 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: hey.png

7:19 PM [Blinky] Hello Arrgh.

7:19 PM [GnomeHunter] I can barely see anything in this picture

7:19 PM [L4dybug] are u guys playing guitar hero

7:19 PM [Basement_Dweller] May I have a word with you, trollhunter?

7:19 PM [GnomeHunter] alright are you downstairs

7:19 PM [Basement_Dweller] No I decided to go see a movie. Maybe hit the casino. Of course I'm downstairs.

7:20 PM [DarkPrince] I see now why it's called teabagging.

7:21 PM [DarkPrince] We have another word for it.

7:21 PM [Tobias.D] idk if i wanna know

7:24 PM [KannibalKilla] has added [Marshmall0w]

7:24 PM [L4dybug] hold on who is that

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] you can't just add whoever

7:24 PM [GnomeHunter] has removed [Marshmall0w]

7:24 PM [GnomeHunter] don't add strangers

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] stranger danger

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] I need an adult

7:25 PM [DarkPrince] Humans are weird.


	8. Angry rock pt I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A challenger approaches.

_usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince_

_Claire: L4dybug_

_Draal: Basement_dweller_

  _Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )_

9/11/16

8:14 PM [KannibalKilla] so how was your first trip to trollmarket, sis

 8:14 PM [Tobias.D] we almost died that was pretty cool

8:15 PM [L4dybug] i mean i guess

8:15 PM [L4dybug] please dont call me that

8:15 PM [DarkPrince] Aside from nearly dying, did you enjoy it?

8:15 PM [L4dybug] Yeah it was awesome!

8:15 PM [KannibalKilla] wish I could see it

8:15 PM [DarkPrince] I'd like that as well.

8:15 PM [Basement_Dweller] You will never set foot in trollmarket, Bular.

8:16 PM [DarkPrince] Yes we've been over this.

8:16 PM [DarkPrince] "pinky swear or not, I don't trust you"

8:16 PM [KannibalKilla] I mean he's got his reasons you can't blame him

8:16 PM [DarkPrince] I'm aware.

8:16 PM [GnomeHunter] Okay so we should talk about the golem that attacked me

8:16 PM [GnomeHunter] and the fact that Strickler is back and he's the principal

8:16 PM [Tobias.D] Yeah that's pretty important let's discuss

8:16 PM [GnomeHunter] So now he's here and also theres another creepy-ass troll that wants to kill me

16 PM [KannibalKilla] you aren't very popular are you?

8:17 PM [GnomeHunter] apparently not

8:18 PM [DarkPrince] Stricklander? 

8:18 PM [DarkPrince] I'll eat him.

8:18 PM [GnomeHunter] You really like eating people

8:18 PM [L4dybug] do u still eat humans

8:18 PM [DarkPrince] Yes.

8:19 PM [DarkPrince] What did this creepy-ass troll look like?

8:20 PM [GnomeHunter] tall and ugly

8:20 PM [Blinky] You'll need to be more specific.

8:20 PM [GnomeHunter] he had these freaky yellow eyes too

8:22 PM [L4dybug] bular eats humans are we going to ignore that

8:26 PM [L4dybug] guys?


	9. Beavis and Bular

_(usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince_

_Claire: L4dybug_

_Draal: Basement_dweller_

_Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )_

9/14/16

7:15 PM [Blinky] Are you certain you left it here?

7:15 PM [GnomeHunter] it's the only place i could have left it

7:15 PM [Tobias.D] what are you looking for

7:15 PM [GnomeHunter] my sweater

7:15 PM [Tobias.D] I've never seen you without a sweater

7:15 PM [Basement_Dweller] Perhaps you left it behind after training with Bular

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] crap i think i did

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] i'm gonna go grab it

7:16 PM [Tobias.D] I'm across the street from his house right now i can grab it

7:16 PM [Basement_Dweller] He has a house?

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] you're all the way over there

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] what are you even doing

7:16 PM [Tobias.D] buying a burger

7:16 PM [L4dybug] at that super gross gas station

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] why would you eat there again

7:16 PM [GnomeHunter] we saw somebody poop on their sidewalk

7:16 PM [L4dybug] ew what

7:17 PM [Tobias.D] I'm crossing the street

7:17 PM [Basement_Dweller] Does he actually have a house?

7:17 PM [GnomeHunter] i dunno we just train outside

7:17 PM [Basement_Dweller] I see.

7:17 PM [Tobias.D] it's like a house but inside those tunnels he tried to murder us in

7:18 PM [Tobias.D] i'm kinda scared to go in tbh

7:18 PM [Tobias.D] I can hear voices in this tunnel thing but idk if its bular

7:18 PM [GnomeHunter] toby go home i'll get it tomorrow

7:19 PM [GnomeHunter] toby

7:21 PM [Tobias.D] guys

7:21 PM [GnomeHunter] dude you scared me

7:21 PM [Tobias.D] bular's place is cool look at this

7:21 PM [Tobias.D] sent a file: cribz.png

7:21 PM [GnomeHunter] whoa what

7:21 PM [GnomeHunter] is that carpet

7:21 PM [Tobias.D] that's carpet

7:21 PM [Tobias.D] he lives with these homeless guys and they're really cool

7:22 PM [GnomeHunter] did he have my sweater

7:22 PM [Tobias.D] yeah i got your sweater

7:22 PM [GnomeHunter] thanks toby

7:23 PM [L4dybug] that's in the sewer?

7:23 PM [Tobias.D] notenrique is here too

7:23 PM [L4dybug] he's gone while my parents are home??

7:23 PM [Tobias.D] i'll bring him back too. I don't think he could find his way home.

7:23 PM [L4dybug] thank you toby

7:24PM [GnomeHunter] are they smoking

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] him and bular are smoking

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] they're like beavis and butthead jfc

7:24 PM [l4dybug] lol

7;24 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: BeavisandBular.png

7:24 PM [Basement_Dweller] Beavis and butthead?

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] we're watching do america. All of us.

7:24 PM [Blinky]  Do America?

7:24 PM [Tobias.D] a historical documentary of sorts

7:25 PM [Tobias.D] detailing the adventures of two american heroes named Beavis and Butthead and their quest for a new TV.

7:25 PM [Tobias.D] jim i'm coming over we need to talk

7:26 PM [GnomeHunter] are you okay


	10. Internet fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draal and Bular fight on the internet while Jim and his friends ride through a volcano's asshole.

 

 

 

 

_usernames are as follows:_

_GnomeHunter: Jim_

_Tobias.D: Toby_

_KannibalKilla: NotEnrique_

_Bular: DarkPrince_

_Claire: L4dybug_

_Draal: Basement_dweller_

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )

9/15/16

5:36 PM [Blinky] Master Jim, please gather your friends and meet me in trollmarket.

5:36 PM [GnomeHunter] we'll be there soon

5:37 PM [DarkPrince] has sent a file: juicy.png

5:37 PM [KannibalKilla] what kinda meat is that

5:37 PM [DarkPrince] :^)

5:37 PM [KannibalKilla] okay don't ever use that face

5:37 PM [KannibalKilla] you wanna share I'm on the phone with Marshmallow right now

5:38 PM [DarkPrince] I have plenty to spare.

5:38 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll be over soon and I'll bring drinks or something

5:39 PM [KannibalKilla] Would you care to join us @Basement_Dweller?

5:40 PM [Basement_Dweller] Why would I want to do that?

5:40 PM [Basement_Dweller] Drinking with the traitorous slime that murdered my father?

5:40 PM [DarkPrince] You could just say no

5:40 PM [GnomeHunter] So apparently we're going to argentina

5:41 PM [Basement_Dweller] Why

5:41 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm not 100% sure what we're doing but it's important

5:41 PM [DarkPrince] Have you slept at all

5:41 PM [GnomeHunter] no

5:41 PM [DarkPrince] Oh. Alright.

5:41 PM [DarkPrince] We're training harder tomorrow.

5:41 PM [Basement_Dweller] Extra hard.

5:41 PM [KannibalKilla] same

5:41 PM [GnomeHunter] wont miss it

5:50 PM [Basement_Dweller] How is it that everyone trusts you so easily?

5:51 PM [DarkPrince] pinky swear.

5:51 PM [DarkPrince] You were there, son of Kanjigar. You saw it.

5:52 PM [Basement_Dweller] Don't even text his name.

5:52 PM [KannibalKilla] internet fight

5:52 PM [Basement_Dweller] No. We're fighting now.

5:52 PM [DarkPrince] Are we?

5:52 PM [KannibalKilla] yeah, after school by the jungle gym

5:52 PM [KannibalKilla] be there

5:52 PM [DarkPrince] Fine.

5:52 PM [KannibalKilla] Wait are you really doing this

5:54 PM [KannibalKilla] guys

7:29 PM [GnomeHunter] So we're back. We have a problem.

7:29 PM [GnomeHunter] Strickler put this enchantment thing on my mom. If I hurt him I'll also hurt her.

7:29 PM [KannibalKilla] You really can't catch a break can you

7:29 PM [DarkPrince] Why haven't you killed him yet?

7:29 PM [DarkPrince] Before he enchanted your mother, that is.

7:30 PM [GnomeHunter] Don't say it like that

7:30 PM [Blinky] I've already found a few potential locations for the next stone.

7:31 PM [Tobias.D] Will this include riding through a volcano's ass again

7:31 PM [DarkPrince] what

7:31 PM [KannibalKilla] what

7:31 PM [Basement_Dweller] I'd like to hear this story.

7:32 PM [Tobias.D] and I will tell it in extreme detail

7:32 PM [Blinky] Please don't.

7:32 PM [Tobias.D] so like all good stories, it all started with a taco

 

 


	11. Bumrush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby and Jim consider rushing Strickler in his office and stealing angry rock's soul.

(usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )

9/17/16

  
11:15 AM [Tobias.D] so there i was, halfway to the bookstore and down to my last taco

11:15 AM [GnomeHunter] does the name angor rot mean anything to you @Blinky @Basement_Dweller @DarkPrince

11:15 AM [DarkPrince] Angor rot?

11:15 AM [Blinky] Oh dear.

11:15 AM [GnomeHunter] strickler said something about him

11:15 AM [DarkPrince] Stricklander is an idiot.

11:15 AM [Tobias.D] angry rock

11:15 AM [GnomeHunter] very angry rock

11:15 AM [Blinky] I'm already looking for information.

11:15 AM [L4dybug] same here

11:15 AM [Blinky] Pay attention, you're in class.

11:15 AM [Tobias] we're not doing anything in class

11:15 AM [Blinky] I can see that.

11:12 AM [GnomeHunter] dude strickler is here talking with lawrence

11:12 AM [Tobias.D] I'm gonna play the song

11:12 AM [GnomeHunter] no

11:12 AM [DarkPrince] Tell me what his face is like.

11:13 AM [GnomeHunter] he almost shit himself I'm dying rn

11:13 AM [GnomeHunter] I think he knows you're alive now

11:13 AM [DarkPrince] Good. I want him to be afraid.

11:13 AM [DarkPrince] As for Angor Rot, the only way to control him is with his ring, the Inferna Copula.

11:13 AM [DarkPrince] The ring contains his soul and he'll do almost anything to have it back.

11:14 AM [KannibalKilla] would he suck toes

11:14 AM [DarkPrince] Possibly.

11:14 AM [Tobias.D] lol

11:14 AM [GnomeHunter] You know him?

11:14 AM [DarkPrince] I know of him.

11:14 AM [Tobias.D] I feel like all of you scary killer troll guys kinda know each other

11:14 AM [KannibalKilla] They have killer christmas parties

11:14 AM [DarkPrince] I don't know what that means.

11:14 AM [Tobias.D] What if we just take it from strickler and give angry rock his soul back

11:14 AM [GnomeHunter] we cant hurt strickler without hurting my mom

11:15 AM [Blinky] We'll find a way.

11:15 AM [Marshmall0w] Why don't you guys just rush him and take it

11:15 AM [Marshmall0w] No banter, no bullshit, just pin him down and grab it. You don't even have to hurt him.

11:15 AM [GnomeHunter] how do you keep getting in here

11:15 AM [L4dybug] @KannibalKilla you can't keep adding your dealer to our chat

11:15 AM [Basement_Dweller] That's a good idea though. Stricklander will expect a fight, instead he'll be mobbed by teenagers.

11:15 AM [DarkPrince] I like the plan in which Stricklander dies.

11:15 AM [KannibalKilla] Marsh is great though

11:15 AM [GnomeHunter] he's also not a trollhunter

11:15 AM [Marshmall0w] Far as you know, little dude.

11:16 AM [GnomeHunter] who are you?

11:16 AM [KannibalKilla] he's a good kid.

11:16 AM [GnomeHunter] that's not an answer

11:16 AM [KannibalKilla] has removed [Marshmall0w]

11:16 AM [KannibalKilla] happy?

11:16 AM [GnomeHunter] ish

11:16 AM [Tobias.D] I mean we could just rush strickler in his office that's a sound idea

11:16 AM [GnomeHunter] we could get arrested for that

11:16 AM [GnomeHunter] let's do it

11:16 AM [L4dybug] jim you cannot be serious

11:16 AM [Tobias.D] if they knew we were saving the world they would let it slide

11:16 AM [Basement_Dweller] I want to be there.

11:16 AM [DarkPrince] There is a tunnel beneath his office.

11:16 AM [Basement_Dweller] Good to know.

11:17 AM [Tobias.D] so when do we do this

11:17 AM [Tobias.D] i think he's in his office right now

11:17 AM [Basement_Dweller] I'm on my way.

11:17 AM [Blinky] Please tell me they're joking.

11:17 AM [L4dybug] they aren't

11:17 AM [L4dybug] they just left holy shit I think they're doing it

11:17 AM [Blinky] He'd better not. Trollhunter or not I swear I will drag him to trollmarket by his ear and put him over my knee.

11:17 AM [KannibalKilla] I can think of worse punishments.

11:17 AM [L4dybug] are u saying you would let blinky spank u

11:17 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm just saying that's hardly a punishment

11:17 AM [L4dybug] so yes?

11:18 AM [Blinky] I'm really not sure how to feel about that.


	12. Bumrush pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Toby carry out their plan while Bular and NotEnrique discuss their relationship as bros

(usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )

9/17/16

12:13 PM [L4dybug] oh my god they did it

12:13 PM [L4dybug] they're in class right now and jim has a bloody nose

12:13 PM [Blinky] I hope it was worth it.

12:13 PM [Blinky] As soon as school is over I want to see you.

12:13 PM [KannibalKilla] bout to get paddled lmao

12:13 PM [L4dybug] jealous?

12:14 PM [KannibalKilla] that's not what I meant let it go

12:14 PM [GnomeHunter] we got it

12:14 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm probably grounded for life but we got the ring

12:14 PM [Tobias.D] jealous of what

12:14 PM [DarkPrince] This changeling wants Blinkous to spank him.

12:14 PM [Tobias.D] whoa what

12:14 PM [L4dybug] hold on tell us what happened first

12:14 PM [Basement_Dweller] Tobias basically handled it himself

12:14 PM [GnomeHunter] he did

12:14 PM [GnomeHunter] you are going to apologize to my mother for that bloody lip

12:14 PM [Tobias.D] I know. I feel really bad.

12:14 PM [Basement_Dweller] what did you tell him

12:14 PM [Basement_Dweller] "put your hand in my pocket?"

12:14 PM [L4dybug] tell me you didn't actually say that

12:15 PM [DarkPrince] What does that mean?

12:15 PM [Tobias.D] I dont know i heard it on TV once

12:15 PM [KannibalKilla] that's what you tell your prison wife when you want some

12:15 PM [Tobias.D] oh

12:14 PM [KannibalKilla] that's perfect I bet his face was priceless

12:15 PM [Basement_Dweller] has sent a file: wuss.png

12:15 PM [Basement_Dweller] has sent a file: doublewuss.png

12:15 PM [KannibalKilla] HA look at his face

12:15 PM [GnomeHunter] he looks like he just wet himself

12:15 PM [GnomeHunter] guys was that the right thing to do

12:15 PM [GnomeHunter] we have the ring but we kinda roughed up a teacher for it

12:15 PM [GnomeHunter] I mean he deserves it ofc

12:15 PM [Blinky] I don't agree with it, but you have the ring!

12:16 PM [DarkPrince] Yes. Yes it was.

12:16 PM [GnomeHunter] So we should probably give this to angry rock before he kills both strickler and my mom

12:16 PM [Tobias.D] where do you think he's living?

12:16 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't know.

12:16 PM [DarkPrince] I'm sure he'll find me. Angor Rot will hide below ground and I've already claimed these tunnels.

12:16 PM [GnomeHunter] Well that's good right?

12:17 PM [DarkPrince] I suppose we'll see.

12:17 PM [DarkPrince] I do not like the idea of strange trolls in my domain.

12:17 PM [Blinky] Your domain?

12:17 PM [DarkPrince] I've claimed these tunnels as my own.

12:17 PM [Basement_Dweller] I suppose the sewer is a suitable nest for one such as yourself, Bular.

12:17 PM [DarkPrince] That is amusing.

12:17 PM [KannibalKilla] chill out draal jeez

12:17 PM [GnomeHunter] guys let's not start this again

12:17 PM [Tobias.D] do you think angry rock will just leave you alone when you give his soul back?

12:18 PM [GnomeHunter] I hope so

12:18 PM [Basement_Dweller] I will accompany you, trollhunter.

12:18 PM [DarkPrince] Not here. These tunnels are mine.

12:18 PM [Basement_Dweller] Stop me.

12:18 PM [GnomeHunter] guys stop seriously

12:18 PM [KannibalKilla] When are you going to find angry rock?

12:19 PM [GnomeHunter] before he finds out that strickler doesn't have the ring

12:19 PM [GnomeHunter] Like right now while strickler is still in his office

12:19 PM [L4dybug] he's gone again

12:26 PM [Basement_Dweller] This place reeks.

12:26 PM [DarkPrince] I can smell you from here.

12:26 PM [Basement_Dweller] who the hell taught you to color coordinate

12:26 PM [L4dybug] tell us when jim gets there

12:26 PM [Basement_Dweller] Of course.

12:26 PM [KannibalKilla] I don't think it looks bad at all Bular

12:26 PM [DarkPrince] Thank you obnoxious changeling.

12:27 PM [KannibalKilla] You're quite welcome, smelly gumm gumm.

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] are you guys bros now

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] like officially

12:27 PM [L4dybug] are you just catching on

12:27 PM [L4dybug] they totally are

12:27 PM [KannibalKilla] thunder buddies

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] haha

12:27 PM [DarkPrince] I don't know what that means.

12:27 PM [L4dybug] Like Jim and Toby

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] We're bros

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] bro

12:27 PM [GnomeHunter] bro

12:28 PM [GnomeHunter] So I took care of it

12:28 PM [DarkPrince] When?

12:28 PM [GnomeHunter] about 30 seconds ago

12:28 PM [Basement_Dweller] Where are you?

12:28 PM [DarkPrince] I can't smell you at all.

12:28 PM [Basement_Dweller] It's hard to smell much over this stench of putrid piss.

12:28 PM [KannibalKilla] How else is everyone supposed to know it's his place?

12:28 PM [L4dybug] what happened?

12:28 PM [GnomeHunter] he said he would remove the enchantment and that he was going to dismember strickler

12:28 PM [L4dybug] wow just like that?

12:28 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

12:28 PM [Tobias.D] dude was probably stoked he's been looking for that ring for ages right

12:29 PM [GnomeHunter] he looked pretty happy.

12:29 PM [DarkPrince] I think his face is stuck like that.

12:29 PM [GnomeHunter] Also possible.

12:29 PM [L4dybug] do you think that he might help fight gunmar

12:29 PM [DarkPrince] Unlikely.

12:29 PM [Tobias.D] dude we're kinda like a fellowship

12:29 PM [GnomeHunter] kinda yeah

12:29 PM [KannibalKilla] The Fellowship of the D

12:30 PM [KannibalKilla] D for daylight of course

12:30 PM [DarkPrince] I like it.

12:30 PM [GnomeHunter] let's not call it that

12:30 PM [KannibalKilla] There, on the horizon!

12:30 PM [KannibalKilla] The Fellowship of the D has arrived!

12:30 PM [Tobias.D] We are the D

12:30 PM [KannibalKilla] We are the D

12:30 PM [Marshmall0w] we are the D

12:30 PM [L4dybug] lol

12:30 PM [DarkPrince] What does that mean?

12:30 PM [Tobias.D] it means movie night

12:30 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm actually getting kinda mad who tf is marshmallow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanna give angry rock a phone that's like definitely happening. Since I'm (very loosely) following the events of the show, I'd like to include Barbara soon as well.


	13. Angry rock pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angor Rot joins the chat.

 

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now. )

9/20/16

12:24 AM [GnomeHunter] So that's another stone for us

12:24 AM [Tobias.D] I feel bad for lying to those guys they were nice

12:24 AM [Tobias.D] like physical pain

12:24 AM [Blinky] It was the right thing to do, unfortunately.

12:24 AM [GnomeHunter] I know

12:24 AM [Blinky] You should be sleeping.

12:24 AM [GnomeHunter] I know

12:24 AM [Blinky] Sleep.

12:24 AM [KannibalKilla] so I found angry rock

12:24 AM [KannibalKilla] he really hates that name by the way

12:24 AM [L4dybug] why were you looking for him?

12:25 AM [KannibalKilla] has added [Rotten]

12:25 AM [GnomeHunter] WHAT

12:25 AM [GnomeHunter] thats not actually him

12:25 AM [KannibalKilla] fragwa had an extra phone

12:25 AM [Tobias.D] fragwa has a phone

12:25 AM [KannibalKilla] he doesnt use it he just sits on it when it vibrates

12:25 AM [GnomeHunter] gross

12:25 AM [Rotten] He insisted that I use this phone to speak with you all.

12:25 AM [Rotten] Why?

12:25 [Tobias.D] its fun I guess

12:25 AM [L4dybug] we just talk about stuff

12:25 AM [Rotten]I see. Stuff.

12:26 AM [Tobias.D] it was supposed to be for emergencies or something but that lasted for like 12 seconds

12:26 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah

12:26 AM [KannibalKilla] now we just talk about movies and stuff

12:26 AM [DarkPrince] Initiate him.

12:26 AM [GnomeHunter] guys we said we weren't doing that

12:26 AM [Rotten] What do you mean by that?

12:26 AM [GnomeHunter] Bular and NE make people draw penises when they first join but you don't have to do that

12:26 AM [Rotten] How childish.

12:26 AM [Rotten] I saw what you did to Stricklander. It was amusing to say the least.

12:26 AM [Tobias.D] gave him the business

12:26 AM [KannibalKilla] worldstar lmao

12:26 AM [GnomeHunter] how did you see us?

12:27 AM [Rotten] I've been keeping an eye on his office.

12:27 AM [GnomeHunter] Oh.

12:27 AM [Basement_Dweller] Sleep, Trollhunter. We train tonight.

12:27 AM [GnomeHunter] I think I'll do that.

12:27 AM [Blinky] Sleep well master Jim.

12:27 AM [DarkPrince] Humans sleep too much.

12:27 AM [KannibalKilla] Yeah they do.

12:27 AM [Tobias.D] its like being dead but without any commitment

12:27 AM [KannibalKilla] wow are you alright

12:27 AM [GnomeHunter] Toby go to sleep

12:28 AM [Blinky] Jim go to sleep

12:28 AM [GnomeHunter] Yep

12:28 AM [Blinky] If he contacts any of you, tell me. Let him sleep.

12:28 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm no snitch

12:28 AM [DarkPrince] I am.

12:28 AM [KannibalKilla] don't be a snitch

12:28 AM [DarkPrince] I can't help it. Gumm Gumms don't lie.

12:28 AM [Blinky] I find that hard to believe.

12:28 AM [KannibalKilla] he's not kidding gumm gumms really can't lie

12:28 AM [DarkPrince] Lying is among the foulest of offenses. We are not savages, Blinkous.

12:28 AM [Basement_Dweller] I thought you couldn't lie.

12:28 AM [KannibalKilla] piss off draal

12:29 AM [DarkPrince] We have a code to honor and laws to follow.

12:29 AM [KannibalKilla] they're just really really nasty when they start killing people

12:29 AM [DarkPrince] We are.

12:29 AM [Blinky] I wasn't aware of this.

12:29 AM [DarkPrince] Not even my father would lie to you.

12:30 AM [Basement_Dweller] Lies.

12:30 AM [Tobias.D] I asked Arrrgh and he said it's true

12:30 AM [Blinky] You should be sleeping.

12:30 AM [Tobias.D] you're welcome

12:30 AM [KannibalKilla] You're kind of a shithead draal jeez

12:30AM [KannibalKilla] we told you

12:31 AM [GnomeHunter] maybe we should talk about something else

12:31 AM [Blinky] Why aren't you two sleeping?

12:31 AM [GnomeHunter] too tired to sleep

12:31 AM [Tobias.D] you guys wanna video chat

12:31 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah hold on

12:32 AM [GnomeHunter] @KannibalKilla hey go get Marshmall0w I wanna see him

12:32 AM [Tobias.D] dude you look tired

12:33 AM [Blinky] So do you.

12:33 AM [GnomeHunter] I can't sleep

12:33 AM [KannibalKilla] Marshmall0w doesn't wanna do it.

12:33 AM [KannibalKilla] sorry

12:33 AM [GnomeHunter] ugh

12:33 AM [GnomeHunter] dude are you sleeping with a teddy bear

12:33 AM [KannibalKilla] a bunny

12:34 AM [KannibalKilla] oh snap there's bular

12:34 AM [DarkPrince] Hello.

12:34 AM [KannibalKilla] rockin the bloodshot eyes I see

12:34 AM [Basement_Dweller] Red on red. I like it.

12:34 AM [Tobias.D] whoa

12:34 AM [DarkPrince] Thank you.

12:34 AM [KannibalKilla] you are on that next level aren't you

12:34 AM [DarkPrince] Indeed.

12:34 AM [Blinky] What is it that you're always smoking?

12:34 AM [GnomeHunter] They're smoking weed.

12:35 AM [Blinky] Weeds?

12:35 AM [DarkPrince] That's what humans call gan'nagh.

12:35 AM [Blinky] Oh.

12:35 AM [GnomeHunter] you guys have a name for it

12:35 AM [DarkPrince] Of course.

12:35 AM [Blinky] Smoked only by miscreants and angry whelps

12:35 AM [Basement_Dweller] Like you?

12:35 AM [Blinky] What do you mean like me?

12:35 AM [GnomeHunter] I don't believe that

12:35 AM [Tobias.D] Blinky isn't a miscreant lol

12:35 AM [Tobias.D] dude jim are you okay who was that

12:35 AM [KannibalKilla] who was that screaming do we need to come knock some heads around

12:36 AM [Tobias.D] jim

12:38 AM [Tobias.D] I'm going over there

12:38 AM [GnomeHunter] guys do not come over here

12:38 AM [DarkPrince] Are you in danger?

12:38 AM [GnomeHunter] my mom just met draal

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting close to the end of part one. Two or three more chapters now.


	14. naked armbar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's mother adjusts to trolls in her home. Blinky is tempted to purchase dvorkstones from NotEnrique.

(usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky... for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten )

9/22/16

1:52 PM [Tobias.D] man why can't we have a good hellboy video game

1:52 PM [KannibalKilla] yeah science of evil isn't that great. Good if you need a time waster I guess

1:52 PM [Tobias.D] I bought the 3rd birthday last week it's pretty cool

1:52 PM [GnomeHunter] Hey guys

1:52 PM [Tobias.D] dude jim what happened

1:52 PM [L4dybug] I was worried when you said you were taking the day off

1:52 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm okay. Mom is actually adjusting pretty quickly.

1:52 PM [Tobias.D] she made you tell her everything didn't she

1:52 PM [GnomeHunter] She did. I'm grounded until january.

1:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] She made _us_ tell her everything.

1:53 PM [GnomeHunter] i left some parts out

1:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] So did I.

1:53 PM [L4dybug] at least she isn't freaking out

1:53 PM [GnomeHunter] she had draal in an armbar when I got downstairs

1:53 PM [Tobias.D] I believe it

1:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] She scolded me for breaking a cup this morning.

1:53 PM [GnomeHunter] she's a mom they do that

1:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] She's fierce.

1:54 PM [GnomeHunter] Yep

1:54 PM [DarkPrince] You are truly afraid of her?

1:54 PM [Blinky] With good reason.

1:54 PM [KannibalKilla] Your mom's okay though right?

1:54 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah.

1:54 PM [L4dybug] Aw I didn't know you cared NE

1:54 PM [Rotten] Hello.

1:54 PM [KannibalKilla] I don't

1:54 PM [Tobias.D] Oh yeah angor rot is here

1:54 PM [Tobias.D] hey man

1:54 PM [Rotten] Hello Tobias.

1:54 PM [GnomeHunter] what's happening at school guys

1:55 PM [L4dybug] steve's actually working for once

1:55 PM [GnomeHunter] wow

1:55 PM [Tobias.D] I think he's cheating off Eli he keeps looking at him

1:55 PM [L4dybug] his paper is already finished though

1:55 PM [KannibalKilla] you guys wanna watch donnie darko this weekend?

1:55 PM [GnomeHunter] heck yes

1:55 PM [Basement_Dweller] We're training tonight. Have you slept at all?

1:55 PM [GnomeHunter] No

1:56 PM [Basement_Dweller] I thought so. You're sleeping tonight, not training.

1:56 PM [GnomeHunter] thank you

1:56 PM [Tobias.D] night jim

1:56 PM [KannibalKilla] nighty nite, keep ur butthole tite

1:57 PM [Tobias.D] dude what

1:57 PM [GnomeHunter] don't say that again lol

1:57 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm sleeping now I promise

2:02 PM [DarkPrince] @KannibalKilla the money is here

2:02 PM [KannibalKilla] Sick I'll be over after naptime

2:02 PM [Tobias.D] what do you guys even do all day

2:02 PM [KannibalKilla] Watch cartoons and stuff

2:02 PM [DarkPrince] Drink ourselves stupid

2:02 PM [KannibalKilla] also that

2:02 PM [L4dybug] did you take my old phone @KannibalKilla

2:03 PM [KannibalKilla] fragwa just gave us almost a thousand dollars for it

2:03 PM [L4dybug] for an old cell phone??

2:03 PM [KannibalKilla] yeah goblins are dumb like that

2:04 PM [Tobias.D] dude I have old phones and stuff hook me up

2:04 PM [DarkPrince] We're trading them for dvorkstones now

2:04 PM [KannibalKilla] almost as useful as cash

2:04 PM [Blinky] We should talk business later.

2:04 PM [Basement_Dweller] Do not give him dvorkstones.

2:04 PM [KannibalKilla] I won't give him dvorkstones

2:04 PM [Basement_Dweller] Good.

2:04 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll sell him dvorkstones.

2:04 PM [Basement_Dweller] Please don't. I don't think you understand. 

2:05 PM [DarkPrince] Draal

2:05 PM [Basement_Dweller] What do you want?

2:05 PM [DarkPrince] Did you mean what you said about my home's color scheme

2:05 PM [KannibalKilla] It's fine bular

2:05 PM [Basement_Dweller] It's really not that bad. The floor is what threw me off.

2:05 PM [DarkPrince] Of course. I wasn't sure about the checkered tile.

2:05 PM [Tobias.D] So what exactly happened yesterday nobody told me

2:05 PM [Basement_Dweller] I didn't know barbara was home and I was looking for a towel.

2:06 PM [GnomeHunter] I didn't know she was home either and you forgot to mention that you were walking around butt naked

2:06 PM [Basement_Dweller] That probably didn't help.

2:06 PM [Tobias.D] dude why were you naked lol

2:06 PM [Basement_Dweller] I was using the shower.

2:06 PM [KannibalKilla] that's hilarious

2:06 PM [GnomeHunter] It's not all that funny

2:06 PM [DarkPrince] I find it amusing that your mother was able to subdue Draal the deadly so easily.

2:06 PM [Basement_Dweller] I will kill you.

2:06 PM [GnomeHunter] no killing please


	15. Dude, what an asshole.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barbara joins the chat. Others leave.

(usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L )

9/25/16

8:58 PM [L4dybug] guys behave yourselves jim's finally adding his mom to our chat

8:58 PM [Tobias.D] what really

8:58 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah really

8:58 PM [KannibalKilla] but it's fun without rules and stuff

8:58 PM [DarkPrince] I agree.

8:58 PM [DarkPrince] 8===D

8:58 PM [KannibalKilla] 8===D

8:58 PM [Tobias.D] 8D

8:58 PM [DarkPrince] Why is it so small

8:58 PM [KannibalKilla] it's a chode man

8:58 PM [GnomeHunter] this is why i'm hesitant to add her

8:58 PM [KannibalKilla] we can cut back on our nonsense I guess

8:58 PM [DarkPrince] that's acceptable

8:59 PM [KannibalKilla] I guess.

8:59 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Dr.L]

8:59 PM [Tobias.D] Hi dr L

9:00 PM [Dr.L] Hi Toby.

9:00 PM [KannibalKilla] what's good

9:00 PM [Blinky] Hello doctor Lake.

9:00 PM [Dr.L] Hi guys.

9:00 PM [DarkPrince] hey Artie just got here @KannibalKilla he has our stuff.

9:01 PM [KannibalKilla] sick I'll be there after claire's parents pass out

9:01 PM [DarkPrince] looks like at least four

9:01 PM [KannibalKilla] four? He owes me six

9:01 PM [L4dybug] are you doing something illegal

9:01 PM [DarkPrince] We're just selling broken appliances to goblins.

9:01 PM [GnomeHunter] where do goblins get money

9:01 PM [DarkPrince] who knows

9:01 PM [KannibalKilla] we're gonna be loaded

9:01 PM [Blinky] Are you still in possesion of dvorkstones?

9:02 PM [Tobias.D] dork stones

9:02 PM [Basement_Dweller] Hello Barbara.

9:02 PM [Dr.L] Hi Draal

9:02 PM [Rotten] yet another unfortunate soul joins us

9:02 PM [Rotten] The trollhunter's mother, even.

9:02 PM [DarkPrince] @KannibalKilla can we keep this

9:02 PM [DarkPrince] has sent a file: thisthing.png

9:02 PM [Tobias.D] dude that's a nintendo 64 keep it

9:03 PM [GnomeHunter] what do you guys do with all that money

9:03 PM [DarkPrince] We're building a fetch.

9:03 PM [KannibalKilla] snitch

9:03 PM [Blinky] You're building a fetch? How?

9:03 PM [L4dybug] those are built in the darklands aren't they

9:04 PM [KannibalKilla] unless you have the materials, which we do thanks to fragwa and his fellow idiots

9:04 PM [DarkPrince] You have one but an extra might be useful.

9:04 PM [GnomeHunter] are you guys trading through the fetch

9:04 PM [DarkPrince] Yes.

9:04 PM [KannibalKilla] dude can you not

9:04 PM [DarkPrince] Sorry.

9:04 PM [Dr.L] What's a fetch?

9:04 PM [Blinky] A very small window into the darklands. They're very rare.

9:05 PM [Dr.L] Oh.

9:05 PM [KannibalKilla] There are some very valuable materials in the darklands too. Useless to gumm gumms but humans pay out the ass for them.

9:05 PM [KannibalKilla] ours is almost finished too

9:05 PM [Blinky] Do you know what you're doing? That's advanced sorcery.

9:05 PM [KannibalKilla] Bular can use primal magic, and I bought instructions off some dickhead from the darklands. We're winging it.

9:05 PM [Blinky] He can use magic?

9:05 PM [DarkPrince] It's nothing spectacular.

9:05 PM [L4dybug] that sounds dangerous and stop selling stuff through the fetch

9:05 PM [GnomeHunter] you can't build a fetch big enough for a human can you

9:05 PM [DarkPrince] If it's too large it becomes very dangerous to use.

9:05 PM [GnomeHunter] crap

9:05 PM [L4dybug] what are you selling those goblins

9:05 PM [L4dybug] my parents are missing a bunch of stuff

9:05 PM [KannibalKilla] just junk we pick up

9:05 PM [DarkPrince] We sold your father's DVD player.

9:05 PM [GnomeHunter] b u s t e d

9:06 PM [KannibalKilla] Bular you are the worst partner in crime

9:06 PM [DarkPrince] Sorry.

9:06 PM [L4dybug] you're a jerk NE

9:06 PM [KannibalKilla] I know.

9:06 PM [Tobias.D] dude look at this

9:06 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: hotdamn.avi

9:06 PM [GnomeHunter] is that mario kart

9:06 PM [Tobias.D] Arrrgh kicks ass at mario kart dude

9:06 PM [KannibalKilla] he just _owned_ peach lmao

9:06 PM [Dr.L] I thought this chat was for emergencies.

9:06 PM [GnomeHunter] It was supposed to be but that didn't last long

9:06 PM [KannibalKilla] now it's mostly just memes and penises

9:07 PM [Basement_Dweller] Yeah.

9:07 PM [Dr.L] Memes and penises?

9:07 PM [GnomeHunter] not actual penises

9:07 PM [Tobias.D] we still haven't watched pulp fiction

9:07 PM [Basement_Dweller] we have not.

9:07 PM [KannibalKilla] we watched kill bill last week

9:07 PM [L4dybug] Kill Bill was awesome

9:07 PM [Tobias.D] more like _Look for Bill_

9:07 PM [L4dybug] The whole animated part was super cool

9:08 PM [KannibalKilla] Hell yes it was

9:08 PM [DarkPrince] You should hurry and come see this haul. There are some other things we need to talk about.

9:08 PM [KannibalKilla] like what?

9:08 PM [DarkPrince] Who, not what.

9:08 PM [KannibalKilla] be there soon

9:08 PM [Dr.L] you guys are pretty busy

9:08 PM [Tobias.D] they got business

9:09 PM [KannibalKilla] we are the business

9:09 PM [Blinky] We should speak business.

9:09 PM [DarkPrince] Later.

9:09 PM [GnomeHunter] Business.

9:09 PM [Tobias.D] Business.

9:10 PM [Basement_Dweller] You should sleep, trollhunter. You'll train with Bular and I tomorrow.

9:10 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm sleeping

9:10 PM [Dr.L] you aren't in your room

9:10 PM [Tobias.D] Jim where did you go

9:10 PM [L4dybug] are you up to something

9:11 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm just taking a walk guys

9:11 PM [Tobias.D] that's bs dude what are you doing

9:11 PM [KannibalKilla] he just called bular he said he's going to trollmarket

9:11 PM [Tobias.D] why?

9:11 PM [KannibalKilla] he said that bridge is finished and he's going into the darklands

9:11 PM [Tobias.D] he was rebuilding it?

9:11 PM [KannibalKilla] said he's been working on it for a while

9:11 PM [Tobias.D] dude I'm on the way

9:11 PM [Basement_Dweller] I am as well.

9:11 PM [Blinky] I'm stopping him here.

9:11 PM [KannibalKilla] bular is on his way to stop him too

9:11 PM [L4dybug] and he just told you this

9:11 PM [KannibalKilla] he wanted supplies and told us what he was doing he asked us to lie

9:17 PM [Tobias.D] dude jim straight dropped bular have you guys seen him yet

9:35 PM user [GnomeHunter] has left the group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm at the end of part one. I'm still loosely following the events of part two, but it gets looser. Expect shenanigans.


	16. The danklands pt I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim rejoins the chat.

 

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L)

10/02/16

2:55 AM [GnomeHunter] has joined the group

2:55 AM [GnomeHunter] anyone there

2:57 AM [Tobias.D] oh my god

2:57 AM [Tobias.D] @everyone Jim's here! He's online!

2:57 AM [Tobias.D] Are you alright? Where are you?

2:57 AM [Blinky] Thank goodness you're alright!

2:57 AM [Tobias.D] For now. Your mom is gonna kick your ass when you get back.

2:57 AM [GnomeHunter] I can't wait.

2:57 AM [KannibalKilla] It's good to finally hear from you its only been a week

2:57 AM [GnomeHunter] I found one of those phones you traded.

2:57 AM [KannibalKilla] Nice. Where did you find it?

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] Somebody gave it to me.

2:58 AM [Tobias.D] are you safe

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah i'm safe ish

2:58 AM [Blinky] ish?

2:58 AM [Dr.L] James lake junior you are beyond grounded

2:58 AM [Dr.L] Don't expect to see sunlight for a long time.

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm sorry guys.

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] Once mom got involved I couldn't wait for it anymore. I know where Enrique is.

2:58 AM [KannibalKilla] Who gave you the phone?

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] me and you should talk about that.

2:59 AM [KannibalKilla] uh oh

2:59 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah uh oh

2:59 AM [Tobias.D] you're safe though right

2:59 AM [GnomeHunter] for now

2:59 AM [GnomeHunter] this place is keeping me pretty busy

2:59 AM [Tobias.D] you better come back

2:59 AM [Dr.L] Please stay safe

2:59 AM [GnomeHunter] this is probably the safest place for me right now

3:00 AM [Blinky] You aren't telling us everything.

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] yeah man spill it

3:00 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm kinda locked up inside gunmar's dungeon

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] WHAT

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] dude how is that safe at all??

3:00 AM [GnomeHunter] All I'm doing is fighting gunmar's lame ass monsters and going back to my cell

3:00 AM [GnomeHunter] it's better than running in circles around the darklands

3:00 AM [Dr.L] That isn't safe Jim

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] I dunno Dr L jim can really kick some ass when he wants to

3:00 AM [GnomeHunter] gunmar is taking it easy on me

3:00 AM [DarkPrince] This does not sound like my father at all.

3:01 AM [GnomeHunter] his "counsel" is keeping him on a leash

3:01 AM [DarkPrince] This sounds exactly like my father.

3:01 AM [GnomeHunter] they gave me a bed

3:01 AM [Dr.L] Why are you using your phone @DarkPrince

3:01 AM [DarkPrince] It's important.

3:01 AM [Dr.L] Alright.

3:01 AM [GnomeHunter] dude did my mom ground you

3:01 AM [DarkPrince] has sent a file: ouch.png

3:01 AM [GnomeHunter] what happened to you holy shit

3:01 AM [Dr.L] language

3:02 AM [KannibalKilla] Him and draal got into it pretty bad

3:02 AM [Tobias.D] they fought for five days like bular's place is destroyed and all the tunnels caved in

3:02 AM [GnomeHunter] five whole days?

3:02 AM [Dr.L] They almost killed each other.

3:02 AM [KannibalKilla] it was honestly the scariest shit I have ever seen. Like mortal kombat but worse.

3:02 AM [GnomeHunter] why were they fighting

3:02 AM [DarkPrince] He believed I let you into the darklands.

3:02 AM [Basement_Dweller] We're alright now.

3:02 AM [Dr.L] Draal put your phone away.

3:02 AM [Tobias.D] Do you know how you're getting out of the darklands?

3:02 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm working on it. I've got like 34% of a plan.

3:03 AM [Basement_Dweller] It's better than 33% of a plan.

3:03 AM [KannibalKilla] Look at this majestic shit

3:03 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: timeout.png

3:03 AM [Tobias.D] that's after draal and bular were done killing each other

3:03 AM [GnomeHunter] guys what the hell that's a lot of blood

3:03 AM [Dr.L] They were supposed to wait outside.

3:03 AM [GnomeHunter] are you guys watching aladdin

3:03 AM [KannibalKilla] it was adorable

3:03 AM [Basement_Dweller] was too tired to change the channel

3:03 AM [GnomeHunter] wait dude you're missing two fingers what the shit

3:04 AM [Dr.L] That's why he shouldn't be on his phone.

3:04 AM [DarkPrince] I bit them off.

3:04 AM [GnomeHunter] you actually bit them off guys what the hell

3:04 AM [DarkPrince] He smashed my horn.

3:04 AM [Basement_Dweller] You tore my nose ring out, you deserved it.

3:04 AM [Blinky] It was a terrifying sight to say the very least.

3:04 AM [GnomeHunter] Hey Blinky we should probably talk about something

3:04 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm glad to see you're okay but I'm gonna sit this out

3:04 AM [DarkPrince] No you aren't.

3:04 AM [Blinky] What do we need to discuss?

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] Well let's talk in the other chat

3:05 AM [Blinky] Is something wrong?

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] has joined the group

3:05 AM [Tobias.D] Somebody else has one of the phones

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] I know he gave me this one

3:05 AM [Tobias.D] Who gave you the phone?

3:05 AM [Basement_Dweller] I swear if you two sold gunmar a phone

3:05 AM [DarkPrince] We didn't.

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] How do I change my name?

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] there's a picture of a gear click on that

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] Okay.

3:05 AM [L4dybug] I just saw omg jim are you okay

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] it says edit name

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] Alright.

3:06 AM [L4dybug] he's talking to himself

3:06 AM [KannibalKilla] he's not talking to himself I think I know who that is

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] Hey claire

3:06 AM [L4dybug] Hey jackass

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] wow hi

3:06 AM [Dr.L] why are there two of you

3:06 AM [Tobias.D] What if he sent a picture and it was crispy jim he's the real villain

3:06 AM [Basement_Dweller] He could surely outdance us.

3:06 AM [Dr.L] Who is crispy Jim?

3:06 AM [Tobias.D] Jim put in a magic talisman thing that turned him into an asshole

3:06 AM [KannibalKilla] An asshole that can dance!

3:06 AM [Dr.L] I want the rest of that story later.

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] Hurry up with your name.

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm still learning to use this device.

3:07 AM [GnomeHunter] is now known as [D.Galadrigal]

3:07 AM [KannibalKilla] oh shit the counsel is here?

3:07 AM [GnomeHunter] This is what we needed to talk about

3:07 AM [Blinky] That can't be him. My brother died centuries ago.

3:07 AM [GnomeHunter] You weren't supposed to join

3:07 AM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: IMG_0010.jpg

3:07 AM [Tobias.D] what

3:07 AM [Blinky] has left the group

3:07 AM [GnomeHunter] dude you were supposed to wait to come in

3:07 AM [D.Galadrigal] I was bored.

3:07 AM [GnomeHunter] Not cool

3:08 AM [Tobias.D] is that really blinky's brother

3:08 AM [D.Galadrigal] The one and only.

3:08 AM [L4dybug] Blinky is really freaking out right now

3:08 AM [Tobias.D] so you're alive

3:08 AM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

3:08 AM [Tobias.D] and you serve under gunmar

3:08 AM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

3:09 AM [KannibalKilla] Heard that's not all you do under gunmar

3:09 AM [D.Galadrigal] Oh, far from it.

3:09 AM [KannibalKilla] details

3:09 AM [GnomeHunter] no details please

3:09 AM [Basement_Dweller] This is bizarre.

3:09 AM [Tobias.D] yeah this is weird

3:09 AM [Basement_Dweller] Why is he in our chat?

3:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] Because I'm going to help him escape.

3:10 AM [GnomeHunter] I know where Enrique is and I'm bringing him home.

3:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] You seem fixated on this infant. Is it yours?

3:10 AM [Dr.L] You're going to help my son escape?

3:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] Of course.

3:10 AM [Dr.L] You can get him out of the darklands?

3:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] No, only the trollhunter can open the bridge. We're working on it.

3:10 AM [Basement_Dweller] Why would you help us? You serve Gunmar and I don't trust you.

3:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] Because I'm bored. Gunmar is so busy making sure everybody knows he has the trollhunter and he's always gone. I have nothing to do so I'm helping.

3:10 AM [KannibalKilla] You sound like a pissed off housewife passive aggressively starting shit to get her husband's attention

3:10 AM [GnomeHunter] dude you should see how gunmar acts around dictatious it's nuts

3:10 AM [GnomeHunter] it's sickeningly sweet

3:11 AM [Basement_Dweller] I can't begin to picture that

3:11 AM [D.Galadrigal] Sickening? That's rude.

3:11 AM [GnomeHunter] not like it's gross but like he's so sweet it's almost too much

3:11 AM [D.Galadrigal] I see. He is very affectionate.

3:11 AM [KannibalKilla] Does he have nicknames for you

3:11 AM [D.Galadrigal] Several, but they're quite filthy and there are children present.

3:11 AM [L4dybug] Blinky's gonna need some time to himself. He's locked in his cave and won't talk to anyone, even arrrgh

3:11 AM [GnomeHunter] you were supposed to wait until I talked to him you ass

3:11 AM [D.Galadrigal] I didn't know that. I guess I have to apologize to him.

3:12 AM [L4dybug] Yeah you're gonna apologize

3:12 AM [D.Galadrigal] I just said that I would.

3:19 AM [Tobias.D] you still here jim?

3:19 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah i'm here they gave me bread this is incredible

3:19 AM [Basement_Dweller] Are you sure it's safe to eat?

3:19 AM [D.Galadrigal] You're welcome.

3:19 AM [GnomeHunter] thank you 

3:19 AM [D.Galadrigal] You're going to need it.

3:19 AM [Tobias.D] was that supposed be creepy and ominous because I kinda got that vibe rn

3:20 AM [D.Galadrigal] You've impressed Gunmar. He'll make you fight harder and if you can't, he will probably kill you himself.

3:20 AM [GnomeHunter] the guards are coming for me soon i cant fight gunmar yet

3:20 AM [D.Galadrigal] They're not coming for you yet. I think I have the other 66% of your plan.

3:20 AM [GnomeHunter] were you gonna let me in on this?

3:20 AM [D.Galadrigal] Let me handle it out here. It's nothing you want a part of.

3:20 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah I kinda want to be part of the plan that saves my ass from gunmar

3:20 AM [Dr.L] I kinda want to know too.

3:20 AM [D.Galadrigal] I'll tell you after the first phase of my plan is complete.

3:20 AM [GnomeHunter] why won't you tell me now?

3:20 AM [D.Galadrigal] I want to be certain that this is even possible before I tell you the rest. That is phase one.

3:21 AM [Dr.L] You don't even know if it will work?

3:21 AM [D.Galadrigal] That is correct.

3:21 AM [GnomeHunter] wait will this get me out of the darklands

3:21 AM [D.Galadrigal] We would need your amulet to open the bridge. This will keep Gunmar from killing you for a while, at least.

3:21 AM [GnomeHunter] and how am I getting home?

3:21 AM [D.Galadrigal] I'll think of something. I'm going to look for Gunmar. You should rest, trollhunter. 

3:21 AM [KannibalKilla] Have fun

3:21 AM [D.Galadrigal] I will.

3:21 AM [KannibalKilla] Details please

3:21 AM [D.Galadrigal] If you insist.

3:21 AM [Tobias.D] you really wanna know what they're up to

3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] Of course. Every filthy detail.

3:22 AM [GnomeHunter] the last thing I wanna think about rn is gunmar getting his freak on

3:22 AM [DarkPrince] Why not?

3:22 AM [Tobias.D] What do you mean 'why not'

3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] they're humans bro they won't understand

3:22 AM [DarkPrince] I see.

3:22 AM [Dr.L] I don't want any more filthy stories in here, you two.

3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] no stories here

3:22 AM [Basement_Dweller] I liked tuesday's story

3:22 AM [Dr.L] Let's not get into that again

3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] that gives me an idea

3:22 AM [Tobias.D] lol

3:23 AM [GnomeHunter] what else is happening at home

3:23 AM [Tobias.D] dude its been miserable everyone's freaking out about you

3:23 AM [GnomeHunter] I know guys i'm so sorry

3:23 AM [Dr.L] You're going to be sorry.

3:23 AM [KannibalKilla] I got chills reading that message

3:23 AM [Tobias.D] you too?

3:23 AM [L4dybug] are you guys still up I thought you were gonna sleep jim

3:23 AM [GnomeHunter] I was but i miss you guys and I want to talk

3:23 AM [Dr.L] We miss you too, Jim.

3:24 AM [Tobias.D] Hey you wanna know something that happened

3:24 AM [Tobias.D] NE 'accidentally' gave blinky a pot brownie

3:24 AM [GnomeHunter] Why would you do that NE

3:24 AM [L4dybug] because he's an asshole

3:24 AM [KannibalKilla] you are what you eat

3:24 AM [L4dybug] ew

3:24 AM [Tobias.D] jim he was crispy 

3:24 AM [GnomeHunter] I can't even begin to imagine that

3:24 AM [KannibalKilla] crispy jim's got nothin on crispy blinky

3:24 AM [GnomeHunter] that's horrible NE don't do that again

3:25 AM [DarkPrince] Are you on your way to meet Fragwa and Artie?

3:25 AM [KannibalKilla] Just left a minute ago. Artie says he's back from germany and he's got hella loud to sell

3:25 AM [Tobias.D] hold on a second are you still trading through the fetch

3:25 AM [KannibalKilla] yeah why

3:25 AM [Tobias.D] Into the darklands

3:25 AM [KannibalKilla] last I checked

3:25 AM [Tobias.D] you could put the amulet through so jim can escape

3:25 AM [GnomeHunter] that's an awesome plan but I can't leave my cell to get it.

3:26 AM [L4dybug] that's still a good start though we can work on it

3:26 AM [GnomeHunter] Anything that will get me out of here.

\---

**3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] has created the group [blockparty]**

**3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] added [DarkPrince]**

**3:22 AM [KannibalKilla] added [Dr.L]**

**3:23 AM [KannibalKilla] added [Rotten]**

**3:23 AM [KannibalKilla] added [Basement_Dweller]**

**3:23 AM [KannibalKilla] added [D.Galadrigal]**

3:23 AM [Basement_Dweller] Another one?

3:23 AM [KannibalKilla] Yea, no kids allowed

3:23 AM [DarkPrince] I like this idea.

3:23 AM [KannibalKilla] I've got only one rule: no serious discussion

3:23 AM [Dr.L] oh joy

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is about to go nuts.


	17. The danklands pt II

 

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal)

10/02/16

5:49 PM [Tobias.D] what does it look like in gunmar's place

5:49 PM [GnomeHunter] It's big.

5:49 PM [KannibalKilla] giggidy

5:49 PM [GnomeHunter] I really missed your dirty jokes

5:49 PM [KannibalKilla] aw thanks

5:50 PM [Tobias.D] you should have heard our breakfast conversation yesterday

5:50 PM [KannibalKilla] draal's face was priceless

5:50 PM [Tobias.D] that's not fair though he can't chase you when you pick on him

5:50 PM [GnomeHunter] what

5:50 PM [KannibalKilla] he can't walk and neither can bular

5:50 PM [Tobias.D] yeah they messed each other up that bad

5:50 PM [KannibalKilla] He'll be okay. Blinky's bringing some medicine shit from trollmarket and it's really helping

5:50 PM [GnomeHunter] but its not like he's never gonna walk again or something

5:51 PM [Basement_Dweller] I am not permanently injured. Thank you for your concern, trollhunter.

5:51 PM [Basement_Dweller] Bular will be alright.

5:51 PM [KannibalKilla] They're sharing your mom's basement

5:51 PM [GnomeHunter] willingly?

5:51 PM [Basement_Dweller] Ish.

5:51 PM [DarkPrince] Neither of us can move.

5:51 PM [GnomeHunter] as long as you guys are okay

5:52 PM [D.Galadrigal] So it looks as though I can't stop Gunmar from trying to kill you.

5:52 PM [GnomeHunter] shit

5:52 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm sorry. Nothing I did could persuade him not to kill you.

5:52 PM [KannibalKilla] hey check the other chat I added you to

5:52 PM [Tobias.D] Hey we had an idea earlier

5:52 PM [GnomeHunter] if we sent the amulet through the fetch would you give it to me

5:52 PM [D.Galadrigal] Sure.

5:52 PM [L4dybug] don't give him the amulet jim

5:52 PM [GnomeHunter] if I do then I can get enrique and get out

5:52 PM [Tobias.D] Let's try something else first we can't just hand him the amulet

5:53 PM [D.Galadrigal] Do it the hard way then.

5:53 PM [DarkPrince] I'm afraid that if you are to escape the darklands, you will have to kill my father.

5:53 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm trying to avoid doing that

5:53 PM [Basement_Dweller] There has to be something else.

5:53 PM [DarkPrince] You can challenge him yourself. A challenge must always be answered. The code says so.

5:53 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't want to challenge him I want to live

5:53 PM [D.Galadrigal] He can't challenge Gunmar. Jim isn't a gumm gumm.

5:53 PM [DarkPrince] This is true.

5:53 PM [GnomeHunter] you can't fight him if you aren't a gumm gumm?

5:53 PM [DarkPrince] The code doesn't really apply to you so you can't approach his throne and issue a challenge.

5:53 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm dead

5:53 PM [Tobias.D] you aren't dead yet

5:53 PM [L4dybug] yeah we'll figure something out

5:53 PM [GnomeHunter] you became a gumm gumm right

5:53 PM [D.Galadrigal] Not for a long time. Gunmar and I had been mates for centuries before I was carved.

5:54 PM [GnomeHunter] Carved?

5:54 PM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: Carved.jpg

5:54 PM [Tobias.D] You have a lot of carvings

5:54 PM [GnomeHunter] What's the one on your chest

5:54 PM [DarkPrince] That means 'to hell with heartstone'. It's  basically the trollish equivalent of Thug Life

5:54 PM [GnomeHunter] It looks familiar

5:54 PM [L4dybug] which one means you're a gumm gumm

5:54 PM [D.Galadrigal] It's on my backside.

5:54 PM [L4dybug] nevermind

5:54 PM [GnomeHunter] they carved it onto your butt?

5:54 PM [D.Galadrigal] I didn't have room anywhere else.

5:54 PM [Tobias.D] what's that long one

5:54 PM [D.Galadrigal] Those are bite marks.

5:54 PM [KannibalKilla] man tell me that story

5:55 PM [GnomeHunter] Not in here please

5:56 PM [KannibalKilla] no we have another chat now

5:56 PM [L4dybug] good

5:56 PM [D.Galadrigal] Why do you ask, trollhunter?

5:56 PM [GnomeHunter] just curious

5:56 PM [DarkPrince] has sent a file: nips.png

5:56 PM [GnomeHunter] why did you draw nipples on draal

5:56 PM [DarkPrince] I was bored. I can't leave your basement.

5:56 PM [KannibalKilla] he's gonna be pissed

5:57 PM [Tobias.D] you're gonna start another fight bular stop

5:57 PM [GnomeHunter] seriously be nice

5:57 PM [KannibalKilla] yeah I'm with them you gotta back off

5:57 PM [KannibalKilla] I don't wanna lose my best bro

5:57 PM [L4dybug] aw you guys

5:57 PM [DarkPrince] thunder buddies

5:57 PM [KannibalKilla] thunder buddies

5:57 PM [Dr.L] Are you okay Jim? You're still eating, right?

5:57 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm okay mom. I'm eating and sleeping.

5:57 PM [Dr.L] Are you hurt at all?

5:57 PM [GnomeHunter] just a few bruises these fights are a joke

5:58 PM [Dr.L] Are you sure you're okay?

5:58 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm sure

5:58 PM [Dr.L] Any closer to getting out?

5:58 PM [GnomeHunter] still working on that

5:58 PM [Dr.L] Please stay safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk bout you guys but I ship the fuck outta Dictatious and Gunmar.


	18. the bro prophecy [block party]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NE sees the future and that's cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now that part three is done, I can continue. The next few chapters will be kinda short, sorry :\
> 
> I'm now including chapters that take place in NE's chat, Block Party. No kids allowed.

usernames are as follows:

GnomeHunter: Jim

Tobias.D: Toby

KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

Bular: DarkPrince

Claire: L4dybug

Draal: Basement_dweller

Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal)

10/03/16

12:10 AM [KannibalKilla] so like I said he was couched for days after that

12:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] Couched?

12:10 AM [KannibalKilla] smoked so much he couldn't fuckin move

12:10 AM [DarkPrince] I wish I could smoke now.

12:10 AM [Dr.L] Not in my basement.

12:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] Let the kids have some fun, Dr. Lake.

12:10 AM [Basement_Dweller] You can stand. Go smoke outside.

12:10 AM [DarkPrince] I can't climb the stairs I already tried.

12:10 AM [Dr.L] You guys are supposed to be resting.

12:10 AM [Basement_Dweller] I'm trying but with those two around it's impossible.

12:10 AM [Dr.L] I know.

12:10 AM [KannibalKilla] we aren't that loud

12:10 AM [Basement_Dweller] You're incredibly loud and you're always naked.

12:10 AM [KannibalKilla] We'd be at bular's place if it wasn't demolished

12:10 AM [DarkPrince] I'll rebuild. It's not as though we don't have the money.

12:11 AM [Dr.L] Where do you guys get all this money?

12:11 AM [DarkPrince] Brainless goblins.

12:11 AM [KannibalKilla] Brainless humans too

12:11 AM [Dr.L] Oh.

12:11 AM [DarkPrince] I sold some goblins a broken xbox controller for almost a hundred dollars.

12:11 AM [Dr.L] They gave you a hundred dollars for it?

12:11 AM [Basement_Dweller] Most goblins aren't very bright.

12:11 AM [D.Galadrigal] What is an xbox

12:11 AM [KannibalKilla] We got a lot to teach you.

12:11 AM [Basement_Dweller] @DarkPrince Want to play guitar hero

12:11 AM [DarkPrince] I'm using the wireless guitar

12:12 AM [Basement_Dweller] You gonna make us play easy mode again?

12:12 AM [KannibalKilla] he's gotten better.

12:12 AM [Basement_Dweller] We shall see.

12:13 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm bringing world tour lemme play too

12:13 AM [Dr.L] Try and take it easy guys.

12:13 AM [Basement_Dweller] We will.

12:13 AM [KannibalKilla] swear on my last cigarette

12:13 AM [DarkPrince] Is Marshmallow around?

12:13 AM [KannibalKilla] he's out looking for new houses

12:14 AM [DarkPrince] Where?

12:14 AM [KannibalKilla] he's in LA right now

12:14 AM [DarkPrince] Too many humans.

12:32 AM [D.Galadrigal] Could one of you possibly sell me some gan'nagh through your fetch

12:32 AM [KannibalKilla] I'll grab you some when do you want it

12:33 AM [D.Galadrigal] At your earliest convenience.

12:34 AM [DarkPrince] Do you know what this means?

12:34 AM [KannibalKilla] Inter-dimensional drug deal!

12:34 AM [DarkPrince] I'm coming with you I want to be a part of this.

12:34 AM [D.Galadrigal] Are you well enough to walk?

12:34 AM [DarkPrince] I'm well.

12:34 AM [KannibalKilla] take it easy bular I don't want you to hurt yourself

12:35 AM [DarkPrince] I'm going to be present for this. It's historical.

12:35 AM [KannibalKilla] this is by far the coolest thing we've ever done

12:35 AM [Basement_Dweller] Be careful. I still want to kill you myself.

12:35 AM [DarkPrince] You'll get your chance.

12:35 AM [KannibalKilla] I thought you guys were cool

12:36 AM [Basement_Dweller] He and I are far from cool. Someday, centuries from now he and I will fight again. When that day comes I will kill him and eat his carcass.

12:36 AM [DarkPrince] Not if I kill you first.

12:37 AM [KannibalKilla] you guys are gonna be bros

12:37 AM [DarkPrince] No we are not

12:37 AM [KannibalKilla] it's like a bridge forming between your souls i can feel it right now

12:37 AM [KannibalKilla] a prophecy

12:38 AM [D.Galadrigal] What?

12:38 AM [Basement_Dweller] We are not friends.

12:38 AM [KannibalKilla] No you aren't. You are future bros though I can feel it man i know these things

12:38 AM [DarkPrince] This won't happen.

12:38 AM [KannibalKilla] man have I ever been wrong

12:39 AM [Dr.L] Is that a serious question?

12:39 AM [Rotten] I hope not.


	19. Escape Plan: part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has a plan. Sort of.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L)

10/04/16  
  


6:58 PM [L4dybug] has added [Blinky]

6:58 PM [Tobias.D] hey blink

6:58 PM [Dr.L] Hi Blinky.

6:58 PM [Blinky] Hello everyone.

6:58 PM [KannibalKilla] oh shit he's back

6:59 PM [GnomeHunter] we missed you

6:59 PM [Blinky] I've missed you all as well. Have I missed anything important?

6:59 PM [GnomeHunter] Still looking for a way out. Might get a tattoo.

6:59 PM [D.Galadrigal] Hello Blinkous.

7:00 PM [Blinky] Dictatious.

7:00 PM [GnomeHunter] be nice guys please

7:00 PM [D.Galadrigal] What do you mean? I'm always nice.

7:01 PM [Tobias.D] Wait hold on jim why are you getting a tattoo

7:01 PM [L4dybug] are you okay Jim?

7:01 PM [D.Galadrigal] He's in prison. A tattoo sounds appropriate.

7:01 PM [Tobias.D] your mom will murder you

7:02 PM [Blinky] You don't need prison ink.

7:02 PM [GnomeHunter] hold on I know where I saw that carving

7:02 PM [D.Galadrigal] Which one?

7:02 PM [GnomeHunter] The one on your chest. It's on the back of Blinky's neck too.

7:02 PM [D.Galadrigal] You never had it removed?

7:03 PM [Blinky] I almost did.

7:03 PM [KannibalKilla] Jim what's your ink gonna be

7:03 PM [DarkPrince] A tiger with demon wings.

7:03 PM [KannibalKilla] he's got sick sunglasses and a joint

7:03 PM [Tobias.D] and a 12 string

7:03 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'd like to see that.

7:03 PM [Tobias.D] for real though jim don't get a tattoo

7:04 PM [GnomeHunter] I won't.

7:04 PM [Dr.L] You better not come home with a tattoo.

7:04 PM [D.Galadrigal] Trollhunter, I'm sending my secretary to your cell with the books you requested.

7:04 PM [Dr.L] You have a secretary?

7:04 PM [D.Galadrigal] Yes. He's very friendly, but a bit slow.

7:04 PM [GnomeHunter] Why do you need a secretary?

7:04 PM [D.Galadrigal] I wanted one and Gunmar appointed him.

7:05 PM [Tobias.D] jeez dude do you call him daddy too

7:05 PM [D.Galadrigal] I've never called him that but now I'm going to.

7:05 PM [Blinky] So it's true that you serve Gunmar?

7:05 PM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

7:05 PM [KannibalKilla] more like he services Gunmar

7:05 PM [D.Galadrigal] That works too.

7:06 PM [GnomeHunter] gross guys

7:06 PM [Blinky] So it's also true that you and Gunmar are mates?

7:06 PM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

7:06 PM [Blinky] I see.

7:06 PM [KannibalKilla] You haven't seen until he shows you the pictures

7:06 PM [Blinky] No thank you.

7:07 PM [KannibalKilla] I mean how does that even work? Gunmar is gigantic as fuck and you're tiny as hell he'd tear you in two

7:07 PM [D.Galadrigal] Of course you assume he's in charge.

7:07 PM [KannibalKilla] what

7:07 PM [DarkPrince] Can we talk about something else?

7:08 PM [D.Galadrigal] Why?

7:08 PM [KannibalKilla] Who the hell wants to hear about their dad getting railed

7:08 PM [D.Galadrigal] That's fair.

7:08 PM [KannibalKilla] Tell me later though

7:09 PM [Blinky] You aren't telling the children your filthy stories are you?

7:09 PM [D.Galadrigal] Of course not.

7:09 PM [L4dybug] He's actually been super helpful Blinky

7:09 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah I would be dead right now if not for him

7:09 PM [D.Galadrigal] You're welcome.

7:10 PM [Blinky] You are Gunmar's mate, yet you conspire against him?

7:10 PM [D.Galadrigal] The sooner the trollhunter escapes, the sooner Gunmar will give me some attention :::c

7:10 PM [Blinky] Is that really what this is about?

7:11 PM [Tobias.D] He won't shut up about it

7:11 PM [KannibalKilla] I don't mind some of those stories. Gunmar got an ass on him just sayin

7:11 PM [DarkPrince] please don't talk about my father's ass

7:11 PM [KannibalKilla] so I should never say that I'd like gunmar to smash my entire torso with his ass

7:11 PM [DarkPrince] Yes don't say that please

7:11 PM [Tobias.D] I didn't know you were into dudes NE

7:12 PM [KannibalKilla] doesn't matter to me man any hole's a goal

7:12 PM [L4dybug] lol

7:12 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm going to say that to him sometime.

7:12 PM [KannibalKilla] I wanna chill with this guy

7:12 PM [DarkPrince] This could be enjoyable.

7:13 PM [GnomeHunter] so what does that mark mean?

7:13 PM [Blinky] Mark?

7:14 PM [GnomeHunter] 'to hell with heartstone' what is that about

7:14 PM [D.Galadrigal] The heartstone represented the power that the tribunal had over us and we hated it.

7:14 PM [KannibalKilla] yeah stick it to the man

7:14 PM [Blinky] We certainly tried.

7:15 PM [D.Galadrigal] The two of us would spend days drinking ourselves stupid, then we'd pick fights.

7:15 PM [Blinky] Can't forget the music.

7:15 PM [D.Galadrigal] Loud and angry.

7:15 PM [Tobias.D] blinky you were a punk

7:15 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm having trouble picturing that

7:15 PM [L4dybug] I keep seeing him in like a torn flannel shirt and he's screaming at the cops

7:16 PM [Blinky] I don't know what punk is

7:16 PM [KannibalKilla] it's a mindset, man

7:16 PM [Dr.L] Why were you picking fights?

7:16 PM [D.Galadrigal] it makes you feel pain and it reminds you that you're still alive

7:16 PM [Blinky] To fight was to live!

7:16 PM [Tobias.D] fight the power guys

7:17 PM [Dr.L] How close are you to finding a way home?

7:17 PM [GnomeHunter] I have like 49% of a plan

7:17 PM [Blinky] Well, tell us!

7:17 PM [GnomeHunter] I'll tell you guys soon. This will work guys I swear.

7:17 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm sure it will.

7:17 PM [GnomeHunter] Think so?

7:17 PM [D.Galadrigal] I know you're onto something and if I can assist I will.

7:17 PM [GnomeHunter] Can you get me out of this dungeon and into prison with everyone else?

7:17 PM [D.Galadrigal] Certainly.

7:17 PM [KannibalKilla] you could end up a prison wife man be careful

7:18 PM [Dr.L] That's not funny

7:18 PM [GnomeHunter] mom there's almost no chance I'll become a prison wife

7:18 PM [D.Galadrigal] If it does happen go find Gronn. He'll be more than happy to kill whoever is bothering you.

7:18 PM [Dr.L] almost no chance

7:18 PM [GnomeHunter] I won't be there for long just a day or two

7:18 PM [DarkPrince] If you can't avoid bathing just keep your eyes to yourself.

7:18 PM [GnomeHunter] Way ahead of you.

7:19 PM [Blinky] Be careful.

7:19 PM [Dr.L] Seriously jim be careful. I don't know what your plan is but it doesn't sound safe at all.

7:19 PM [KannibalKilla] gotta find you some soap on a rope

7:19 PM [GnomeHunter] lol

7:19 PM [GnomeHunter] this guard keeps walking past my cell and busting ass

7:20 PM [Tobias.D] shank him jim

7:20 PM [KannibalKilla] You gotta practice

7:20 PM [L4dybug] jim I think I know what you're doing and I think it's a horrible idea.


	20. fight the man, man [block party]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adults start discussing Jim's escape plan, but it doesn't last long.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal)

10/04/16

9:39 PM [KannibalKilla] has added [Blinky]

9:39 PM [Basement_Dweller] Hello.

9:39 PM [Rotten] Welcome to hell.

9:39 PM [Blinky] Thank you. I wasn't sure if you were still here, Angor Rot.

9:40 PM [Rotten] I'm not sure why I'm still using this thing

9:40 PM [D.Galadrigal]  Bular this gan'nagh is incredibly potent. Where did you find this?

9:40 PM [DarkPrince] It's from my personal stash. You're welcome.

9:40 PM [KannibalKilla] lemme see them purdy eyes boy

9:40 PM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: ayyyy.png

9:41 PM [KannibalKilla] b l a s t e d lmao

9:41 PM [KannibalKilla] hey wait tell me what happened earlier

9:41 PM [D.Galadrigal] What happened earlier?

9:41 PM [KannibalKilla] jim was telling us that you were messing with gunmar

9:41 PM [D.Galadrigal] Oh that? I interrupted the two of them.

9:41 PM [Dr.L] They were talking?

9:41 PM [D.Galadrigal] Shouting. Your son bested even more of his soldiers this time. He must have a solid plan, if he's actually confronting Gunmar.

9:41 PM [Dr.L] He's okay though right?

9:42 PM [D.Galadrigal] He's alive and well.

9:42 PM [KannibalKilla] okay tell us jim said it was funny

9:42 PM [D.Galadrigal] It would be more amusing if we told it together.

9:42 PM [KannibalKilla] tease

9:42 PM [DarkPrince] Do you know anything about his plan?

9:42 PM [D.Galadrigal] I thought I did. Seeing him in Gunmar's face tells me I was very, very wrong.

9:42 PM [Blinky] What books did you lend him?

9:42 PM [D.Galadrigal] I gave him the Old Tome of the Tribunal volumes one through fifteen, A history of War volumes one and two, and the Cat in the Hat.

9:42 PM [Blinky] Excellent choices.

9:42 PM [KannibalKilla] hey no serious conversation here it's the rule

9:43 PM [DarkPrince] Somebody tell a joke to reset the balance

9:43 PM [KannibalKilla] reset the balance? bro

9:43 PM [Basement_Dweller] What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

9:43 PM [D.Galadrigal] Enlighten us.

9:43 PM [Basement_Dweller] Virgin Mobile.

9:43 PM [KannibalKilla] Ha

9:43 PM [DarkPrince] he fixed it the prophecy was fulfilled

9:44 PM [KannibalKilla] are you alright lol

9:44 PM [Blinky] That's heavy reading even for me. Why do you think he chose them?

9:44 PM [D.Galadrigal] I have no idea but he was very specific.

9:44 PM [Dr.L] What are those books about?

9:45 PM [D.Galadrigal] A bunch of political garbage.

9:45 PM [Marshmall0w] You guys don't give him enough credit. He's smart as fuck honestly.

9:45 PM [Blinky] Do you think he knows what he's doing?

9:45 PM [Marshmall0w] I do.

9:45 PM [KannibalKilla] Find any good places marsh?

9:45 PM [Marshmall0w] No luck so far.

9:46 PM [DarkPrince] We'll find something.

9:46 PM [Dr.L] Are you guys looking for a new house?

9:46 PM [KannibalKilla] A second summer home

9:47 PM [Dr.L] How much property do you two actually own?

9:47 PM [DarkPrince] Two houses, a tattoo parlor and a laundromat.

9:47 PM [KannibalKilla] We got our shit together

9:47 PM [Dr.L] I can see that.

9:47 PM [KannibalKilla] hey blinky tell is some punk shit you and your brother got into

9:47 PM [D.Galadrigal] We tried to destroy the treasury under our old home, long before trollmarket was even an idea.

9:47 PM [Blinky] If we had been successful nearly everyone would have been forced to trade with each other rather than rely on currency.

9:48 PM [KannibalKilla] damn guys

9:48 PM [DarkPrince] fuck the man, man

9:48 PM [Blinky] We were discovered, however. Kanjigar covered for us.

9:48 PM [KannibalKIlla] like a bro

9:49 PM [DarkPrince] bro

9:49 PM [KannibalKilla] bro


	21. Escape Plan: part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has an incredibly stupid plan.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal)

10/05/16

3:17 PM [D.Galadrigal] Barbara your son is an idiot.

3:17 PM [Dr.L] What did he do? Is he okay?

3:17 PM [D.Galadrigal] He marched right up to Gunmar and challenged him for his throne.

3:17 PM [KannibalKilla] damn that's some ballsy shit

3:17 PM [Blinky] Oh dear.

3:18 PM [Tobias.D] So if jim wins he's king of the gumm gumms?

3:18 PM [GnomeHunter] You mean -when- I win

3:18 PM [Dr.L] Jim are you serious?

3:18 PM [GnomeHunter] Yes. This is part of my plan.

3:18 PM [D.Galadrigal] Show them what you did yesterday.

3:19 PM [GnomeHunter] I'll pass

3:19 PM [D.Galadrigal] Don't make me come down there.

3:19 PM [GnomeHunter] no balls

3:19 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm coming down there.

3:19 PM [GnomeHunter] I was reading the tome of the tribunal and it said that if you were going to challenge a ruler for his throne the tribunal would need to approve this because it's apparently a huge deal

3:19 PM [KannibalKilla] okay he had his own kingdom to represent

3:19 PM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar is still a king and If I challenge him for his throne the tribunal has to approve it.

3:20 PM [Blinky] The Tribunal is here, not the darklands.

3:20 PM [D.Galadrigal] If you say what I think you're going to say

3:20 PM [GnomeHunter] He still has to honor my challenge and it has to be approved so we'll have to leave the darklands. Somebody give Dictatious the amulet through the fetch.

3:20 PM [D.Galadrigal] boy

3:20 PM [L4dybug] are you bringing gunmar with you jim what the shit

3:21 PM [GnomeHunter] He can't do anything to me while the tribunal is making their decision and if they say no he has no choice but to let me walk.

3:21 PM [Blinky] Do you think he's going to walk back into the darklands if they say no?

3:21 PM [D.Galadrigal] You actually read the book?

3:21 PM [DarkPrince] You're using ancient, outdated laws to force Gunmar to behave

3:21 PM [KannibalKilla] lol

3:21 PM [D.Galadrigal] He likes being bossed around.

3:21 PM [KannibalKilla] jeez man

3:21 PM [GnomeHunter] ANYWAYS I think I can make this work. Gunmar is crazy strict about his laws and crap so he can't say no

3:21 PM [Tobias.D] You're talking about letting gunmar out of the darklands jim

3:21 PM [Blinky] That is insane. This entire plan is insane.

3:22 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm telling you guys I have this under control

3:22 PM [DarkPrince] I believe him.

3:22 PM [Tobias.D] don't let him out

3:22 PM [L4dybug] You said before that jim couldn't challenge gunmar

3:22 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm on my way to your cell. Do you want to tell them or should I do it?

3:22 PM [GnomeHunter] I didn't know you were really coming down here

3:22 PM [Dr.L] Jim what did you do?

3:22 PM [Tobias.D] you can't just let him out jim

3:22 PM [Basement_Dweller] This is a terrible idea.

3:23 PM [D.Galadrigal] sent a file: boy.png

3:23 PM [Dr.L] What did I say about a tattoo?

3:23 PM [DarkPrince] Do you have any idea what you've done?

3:23 PM [GnomeHunter] I've done what I have to so I can get enrique and escape

3:23 PM [DarkPrince] Only Gunmar's highest ranking officers have the authority to grant you that mark. How did you get it?

3:23 PM [GnomeHunter] there's a former officer named erghan locked in here too, he helped

3:23 PM [Dr.L] What does that mean?

3:23 PM [KannibalKilla] Jim's an officer in gunmar's army now is what that means

3:24 PM [GnomeHunter] it's the only way I could challenge him alright I know what I'm doing now

3:24 PM [KannibalKilla] I'm impressed to be honest you put a lot of thought into it

3:24 PM [D.Galadrigal] You should have seen Gunmar's face.

3:24 PM [L4dybug] so when are you doing this

3:24 PM [GnomeHunter] sometime within the next 24 hours

3:24 PM [DarkPrince] I can imagine he's not very happy.

3:24 PM [D.Galadrigal] No he is not.

3:25 PM [GnomeHunter] Those laws are the only thing preventing him from eating me right now

3:25 PM [D.Galadrigal] Breakfast tomorrow, Blinkous?

3:25 PM [GnomeHunter] You're coming too?

3:26 PM [D.Galadrigal] Of course I am. Gunmar will insist on at least six guards as well.

3:26 PM [KannibalKilla] Wait do I really get to meet Gunmar face to face?

3:26 PM [DarkPrince] Don't take this lightly. The trollhunter is meddling in laws long forgotten, and the consequences for abusing them can be severe.

3:26 PM [Basement_Dweller] I don't approve of this plan but if Jim says he has it under control then I'll trust him.

3:26 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'll have to start packing. This is exciting!

3:26 PM [KannibalKilla] You gotta smoke with us

3:27 PM [DarkPrince] Is that all you're concerned with?

3:27 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah there are bigger issues here

3:27 PM [Tobias.D] So are we telling vendel or do we just march right into trollmarket with gunmar

3:27 PM [KannibalKilla] Let's tell him and not the others I wanna see usurna shit herself once she sees gunmar

3:28 PM [Blinky] I approve of this.

3:28 PM [GnomeHunter] Somebody has to tell vendel.

3:28 PM [Blinky] I'll handle that.

3:28 PM [Basement_Dweller] Bular and I will be there when the bridge is open.

3:28 PM [L4dybug] We're all going to be there

3:28 PM [Blinky] I'm afraid you might have to wait. Vendel will surely give Jim a thorough chewing out as soon as he returns.

3:29 PM [GnomeHunter] I mean gunmar will kinda be there too that's gonna take a while to explain.

3:29 PM [Dr.L] So you're coming home?

3:29 PM [GnomeHunter] Very soon.

3:29 PM [KannibalKilla] get some rows to go with that ink before you leave

3:29 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't think I can pull off cornrows

3:30 PM [Tobias.D] Maybe if you were a lot skinnier and your name was scooter

3:30 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm not doing that.

3:30 PM [DarkPrince] I'm not looking forward to seeing my father.

3:30 PM [D.Galadrigal] Gunmar won't be pleased that you chose to serve the trollhunter but I assure you that he will be relieved to know that you are alive.

3:30 PM [KannibalKilla] Shit where's Gunmar living while the tribunal decides? That could take ages they all talk so slowly

3:31 PM [DarkPrince] I suppose he will stay with me. The new tunnel is ready.

3:31 PM [KannibalKilla] That also means Dictatious will be there

3:31 PM [D.Galadrigal] We'll try and keep it down.

3:31 PM [GnomeHunter] He's bringing guards isn't he?

3:31 PM [DarkPrince] I need to clear more of this tunnel.

3:31 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll help you out

3:31 PM [Basement_Dweller] I will help if you would like.

3:31 PM [DarkPrince] Thank you.

3:31 PM [Dr.L] When do you think this will happen?

3:32 PM [GnomeHunter] Like later today

3:32 PM [Blinky] I will speak with Vendel.

3:32 PM [Tobias.D] I'm ordering pizza.

3:32 PM [GnomeHunter] Claire meet me there so I can give you Enrique

3:32 PM [DarkPrince] When you are ready we will be there.

3:32 PM [GnomeHunter] Thanks guys.

3:32 PM [GnomeHunter] toby pizza sounds amazing

3:33 PM [Tobias.D] it's like a final meal dude cause your mom will murder you

3:33 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm okay with that.

3:33 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm ready when you are. We'll meet Gunmar together.

3:33 PM [GnomeHunter] Let's do it.


	22. Yeah nevermind

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_Dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal)

 

10/04/16 

2:56 AM [GnomeHunter] guys screw my plan give dictatious the amulet so he can let me out

2:56 AM [D.Galadrigal] You should have done that in the first place.

2:56 AM [Tobias.D] On it

2:56 AM [Basement_dweller] What happened?

2:57 AM [GnomeHunter] I really can't fight gunmar yet

2:57 AM [DarkPrince] You don't say? 

2:57 AM [Tobias.D] Where are we meeting

2:57 AM [KannibalKilla] I'll show you where we trade

2:57 AM [Basement_Dweller] We'll be there when the bridge is open.

2:58 AM [DarkPrince] I will be there as well.

2:58 AM [Blinky ]I'm glad you've come to your senses master Jim, your plan was horrible.

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] I know guys please yell at me later though

2:58 AM [KannibalKilla] why didn't you do this in the first place?

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] I wanted some really epic showdown or something but I kinda just saw him tear two guys in half

2:59 AM [D.Galadrigal] He was bored.

2:59 AM [GnomeHunter] What if he gets bored and kills me before I can get out?

2:59 AM [D.Galadrigal] I'll worry about that.

2:59 AM [KannibalKilla] ha

2:59 AM [Tobias.D] introduce him to rule number 3 dude

3:00 AM [GnomeHunter] That's cheating

3:00 AM [Blinky] It's not cheating if he's trying to murder you.

3:00 AM [KannibalKilla] how is that cheating?

3:00 AM [GnomeHunter] All he wears is that kilt thing i've seen his balls like ten thousand times since I got here they're like a really easy target

3:00 AM [KannibalKilla] Yeah makes sense, honor and fairness and shit

3:01 AM [D.Galadrigal] Keep your eyes to yourself.

3:01 AM [GnomeHunter] it's not like i'm checking him out geeze he's always on all fours

3:01 AM [D.Galadrigal] Marvelous.

3:01 AM [Tobias.D] anyways I got the amulet let's do this before dr lake wakes up

3:01 AM [KannibalKilla] Meet us at bular's old place

3:02 AM [Tobias.D] Yep.

3:02 AM [GnomeHunter] Claire hid all those dvorkstones in a box in my garage give them to blinky

3:02 AM [Blinky] I like this plan.

3:02 AM [Tobias.D] I already grabbed em

3:03 AM [Basement_Dweller] I also approve of this.

3:03 AM [GnomeHunter] distract the guards with them so we can open the bridge

3:03 AM [Blinky] Okay.

3:04 AM [Rotten] This should be interesting.

3:04 AM [GnomeHunter] I forgot you were here you never talk

3:04 AM [Rotten] I have better things to do with my time.

3:05 AM [GnomeHunter] fair

3:08 AM [L4dybug] were you guys gonna tell me about this?

3:08 AM [KannibalKilla] I told you to go to sleep you're all sick

3:08 AM [L4dybug] I'm gonna be there

3:09 AM [KannibalKilla] you could barely walk earlier stay in bed

3:09 AM [l4dybug] I'm not sick

3:09 AM [Basement_Dweller] I'm here.

3:09 AM [DarkPrince] We're at our trading spot, just waiting on you.

3:10 AM [Blinky] Waiting on my brother, you mean.

3:10 AM [L4dybug] I'm on my way

3:10 AM [GnomeHunter] Claire if you're sick you should rest

3:10 AM [KannibalKIlla] told you

3:11 AM [GnomeHunter] guys I just got a new cellmate

3:11 AM [Tobias.D] Well that's nice but say goodbye cause you're leaving

3:12 AM [GnomeHunter] has sent a file: selfiestatus.png

3:12 AM [Basement_Dweller] Is that Nomura?

3:12 AM [GnomeHunter] I guess she was in my old cell after dictatious moved into the regular prison

3:12 AM [KannibalKIlla] double rescue mission that's like double XP

3:12 AM [Tobias.D] dude what's it like in prison

3:13 AM [GnomeHunter] it smells in here but this really isn't all that bad

3:13 AM [GnomeHunter] we play uno when the cells are open and this guy was teaching me to play the banjo

3:13 AM [GnomeHunter] has added [Nomura]

3:14 AM [Tobias.D] I'm here too, we still waiting on dictatious?

3:14 AM [Nomura] You trust him?

3:14 AM [GnomeHunter] He's the only reason I'm alive right now so yeah

3:14 AM [Nomura] Fair.

3:14 AM [D.Galadrigal] I'm on the way to your cell, get ready.

3:15 AM [Nomura] Your friend's music is annoying

3:15 AM [GnomeHunter] I dunno if I'd call him my friend cause he did try to eat me this morning

3:15 AM [Tobias.D] what music

3:16 AM [GnomeHunter] this other prisoner plays the banjo and sings about the man

3:16 AM [Tobias.D] sick

3:16 AM [KannibalKilla] save him too the world needs him

3:16 AM [DarkPrince] to speak for the ones without a voice

3:16 AM [KannibalKIlla] fuck the man

3:16 AM [Nomura] are earthquakes normal in the darklands 

3:17 AM [D.Galadrigal] I'm almost to your cell get ready

3:17 AM [GnomeHunter] we're ready let's do this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of part 2. I really wanted to wait until I'd watched part 3 before I kept going.


	23. End of the World pt I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trollhunters briefly discuss what to do about Gunmar.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_Dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal

Nomura: Nomura)

10/10/16

12:19 PM [Nomura] So you haven't heard from Stricklander at all?

12:19 PM [DarkPrince] Hopefully he died somewhere.

12:19 PM [Nomura] He could be useful, especially now.

12:19 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't even know where to look

12:20 PM [DarkPrince] I'm sure he'll come looking for you when he hears that Gunmar has escaped.

12:20 PM [Nomura] He's quite fond of you, trollhunter. He'll show up eventually.

12:20 PM [Rotten] Gunmar escaped?

12:20 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah like a week ago where have you been

12:21 PM [Rotten] What happened?

12:21 PM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar was waiting at the bridge somebody snitched and it wasn't me or dictatious

12:21 PM [D.Galadrigal] There was an earthquake and several large boulders  
blocked our path. He must have slipped through as we searched for a way around.

12:21 PM [Rotten] Imbeciles.

12:22 PM [GnomeHunter] there was an earthquake that wasn't my fault

12:22 PM [DarkPrince] Gunmar has been quiet. I don't like it.

12:22 PM [KannibalKIlla] You should still challenge him for his throne while he's out here. You gotta fight him anyways, right?

12:22 PM [D.Galadrigal] That's only going to make him angry.

12:22 PM [Blinky] Hello everyone.

12:22 PM [Dr.L] Is everyone safe?

12:23 PM [Blinky] They're all starting to settle in. It will be a difficult transition but we'll manage.

12:23 PM [KannibalKilla] Found a good place to hide?

12:23 PM [Blinky] For the moment, yes.

12:23 PM [GnomeHunter] Not everybody made it out, did they?

12:24 PM [Blinky] I'm afraid not.

12:24 PM [KannibalKIlla] Hey what if you used that stone thing again and had all those clones help kill gunmar

12:24 PM [GnomeHunter] we're never doing that again

12:24 PM [D.Galadrigal] Bular, you should speak with your father.

12:25 PM [DarkPrince] No.

12:25 PM [KannibalKilla] maybe you should bro

12:25 PM [Nomura] Clones?

12:25 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

12:26 PM [L4dybug] It was bizarre

12:26 PM [GnomeHunter] it was traumatic

12:26 PM [L4dybug] @KannibalKilla you left a bunch of garbage under my bed

12:26 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll take care of it. You really don't wanna touch it.

12:26 PM [L4dybug] that's disgusting

12:26 PM [GnomeHunter] so what do we do about eli and steve

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] ask how the hell they knew about goblins and trolls

12:27 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm glad they were there to help.

12:27 PM [Tobias.D] after a thorough interrogation you should add them

12:27 PM [KannibalKilla] they're dweebs but they could be useful

12:27 PM [GnomeHunter] There's no way that steve and eli aren't dating

12:28 PM [Tobias.D] dude are you just catching on

12:28 PM [GnomeHunter] I was in the darklands how am I supposed to know these things

12:28 PM [Blinky] Vendel is going to kill you. Surely you can imagine the panic you've caused.

12:28 PM [GnomeHunter] tell him to take a number

12:28 PM [Basement_dweller] @KannibalKilla we have a problem.

12:28 PM [DarkPrince] meet us at the tunnel don't ask questions

12:28 PM [KannibalKilla] alright on the way

12:28 PM [L4dybug] dude you guys left your dead birds right next to my window

12:29 PM [KannibalKilla] I thought we ate them all

12:29 PM [GnomeHunter] ew

12:29 PM [Marshmall0w] you might try it and like it someday my dude

12:29 PM [GnomeHunter] no thank you

12:30 PM [KannibalKilla] more for us

12:30 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: arrrgh.png

12:30 PM [Blinky] Hi Arrrgh.

12:30 PM [GnomeHunter] So what now? I still have to find a way to kill gunmar

12:31 PM [KannibalKilla] try roasting him to death

12:31 PM [GnomeHunter] What

12:31 PM [D.Galadrigal] Gunmar knows I've been speaking with you.

12:32 PM [Tobias.D] oh shit

12:32 PM [Blinky] Language.

12:32 PM [D.Galadrigal] He's not mad at all, actually. He said it was clever and that's why he loves me.

12:33 PM [GnomeHunter] I call BS did he really say that

12:33 PM [D.Galadrigal] He still doesn't know I helped you escape.

12:33 PM [L4dybug] that's adorable

12:34 PM [Blinky] That's all he said to you?

12:34 PM [D.Galadrigal] Among a few other obscene things.

12:35 PM [GnomeHunter] guys do you think I should add steve and eli

12:35 PM [Tobias.D] do it

12:35 PM [D.Galadrigal] They're involved now and it seems appropriate. They're heroes, even.

12:36 PM [GnomeHunter] added [MegatronDeathVector5000]

12:36 PM [Tobias.D] is that steve lol

12:36 PM [GnomeHunter] added [DragonLordMurderBreath]

12:36 PM [GnomeHunter] that's steve

12:36 PM [DragonLordMurderBreath] is now known as [SpringKing]

12:36 PM [SpringKing] sup nerds

12:37 PM [MegatronDeathVector5000] is now known as [Eli]

12:37 PM [Tobias.D] hey guys

12:37 PM [Eli] Hello. Thanks for adding us!

12:38 PM [GnomeHunter] You guys saved lives yesterday.

12:38 PM [Tobias.D] who told you we'd be there? And about goblins and trolls and stuff

12:38 PM [Marshmall0w] I did.

12:39 PM [SpringKing] what's up marsh

12:39 PM [Marshmall0w] chillin w/ bae hbu

12:39 PM [GnomeHunter] marshmallow who are you and how the hell do you know everyone

12:39 PM [Marshmall0w] You'll know when the time is right.

12:40 PM [GnomeHunter] don't give me that crap

12:40 PM [SpringKing] I thought everybody knew marsh

12:40 PM [GnomeHunter] when did you guys meet him and what do you mean everybody how many trolls do you know

12:40 PM [SpringKing] just two

12:41 PM [Eli] We met a few weeks ago. At the movie theater.

12:41 PM [SpringKing] Official creepslayerz business of course.

12:41 PM [Tobias.D] Of course.

12:41 PM [Eli] Of course.

12:42 PM [KannibalKilla] Of course.

12:42 PM [KannibalKilla] would any of you happen to have a few hundred pounds of raw meat you could spare

12:42 PM [Tobias.D] nope

12:42 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't think so

12:43 PM [Blinky] What are you feeding?

12:43 PM [KannibalKilla] nothing

12:43 PM [Dr.L] Why are we texting in class?

12:43 PM [D.Galadrigal] Why are you texting at work?

12:44 PM [Tobias.D] oh snap

12:44 PM [SpringKing] Because school is boring

12:44 PM [GnomeHunter] Uhl's lecturing again.

12:49 PM [Nomura] Your friends are idiots. The changeling and his gumm gumm.

12:49 PM [L4dybug] @KannibalKilla what did you guys do

12:49 PM [KannibalKilla] look we'll discuss this later, don't be a snitch nomura

12:50 PM [Nomura] I want to see you explain it.

12:50 PM [GnomeHunter] What's going on

12:51 PM [Nomura] I can't tell you.

12:51 PM [Tobias.D] like on a 1-10 scale how insane is this

12:52 PM [Nomura] Eleven.

12:52 PM [GnomeHunter] do we need to like intervene this sounds scary

12:52 PM [DarkPrince] Please give us time.

12:53 PM [KannibalKilla] I'm taking a smoke break i'll be inside in like 20

12:53 PM [DarkPrince] We need your help now

12:53 PM [KannibalKilla] I'm coming.

12:54 PM [SpringKing] giggidy


	24. End of the World pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strickler isn't very popular.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_Dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal

Nomura: Nomura

Steve: SpringKing

Eli: Eli)

10/12/16

2:10 AM [GnomeHunter] Anyone awake?

2:10 AM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

2:10 AM [KannibalKilla] Yeah I'm up unfortunately

2:10 AM [Nomura] It's not all that fun is it?

2:10 AM [KannibalKilla] That's not why I'm up. Bular busted ass something sick and I needed air

2:11 AM [Nomura] That's disgusting.

2:11 AM [Basement_dweller] It's even worse when you're sleeping ten feet away from him

2:11 AM [GnomeHunter] you're sleeping there?

2:11 AM [KannibalKilla] We got some shit to work through together

2:11 AM [Basement_dweller] It's classified.

2:12 AM [GnomeHunter] okay

2:12 AM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: baddest.png

2:13 AM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar looks bored

2:13 AM [KannibalKilla] not impressed with his first selfie.

2:13 AM [Nomura] I've finally received a message from Strickler.

2:14 AM [GnomeHunter] just now?

2:14 AM [Nomura] He'll arrive in Arcadia before sunrise. Don't tell your mother.

2:14 AM [KannibalKilla] oh snap he doesn't know that she knows

2:15 AM [DarkPrince] Barbara may just kill him before I can.

2:15 AM [GnomeHunter] just take turns guys

2:15 AM [Tobias.D] you're still up?

2:15 AM [GnomeHunter] I can't sleep I'm trying to figure out how to save the world

2:15 AM [Tobias.D] That's fair

2:16 AM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: take2.png

2:16 AM [Tobias.D] Why are you sending us selfies with Gunmar? That's actually a good picture though.

2:16 AM [Eli] Is that really Gunmar?

2:16 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah.

2:17 AM [L4dybug] That would be a cute picture if he wasn't planning to kill us all

2:17 AM [Tobias.D] hold on a second is he blushing

2:17 AM [D.Galadrigal] I'm embarrassing him in front of his friends.

2:17 AM [Tobias.D] HA

2:18 AM [Eli] So you actually have to fight him? He's pretty gigantic.

2:18 AM [D.Galadrigal] He really is.

2:18 AM [KannibalKilla] giggidy

2:19 AM [GnomeHunter] oh

2:19 AM [Nomura] You should be sleeping, trollhunter.

2:19 AM [GnomeHunter] I can't sleep

2:19 AM [Nomura] Strickler will want to speak with you once he arrives. Sleep.

2:20 AM [GnomeHunter] fine

2:20 AM [Tobias.D] What are you doing up this late Eli

2:20 AM [Eli] Making gunpowder.

2:21 AM [Tobias.D] Dare I ask why?

2:21 AM [Eli] We're building explosive bolts for steve's crossbow

2:21 AM [Tobias.D] Who the hell gave steve a crossbow?

2:21 AM [Eli] I did. Creepslaying is dangerous stuff.

2:22 AM [Nomura] Creepslaying?

2:22 AM [Tobias.D] Creepslaying.

2:22 AM [KannibalKilla] The art of slaying creeps.

2:22 AM [SpringKing] And creeps shall be slain.

2:23 AM [KannibalKilla] Lay waste to their banks and courthouses!

2:23 AM [SpringKing] what?

2:23 AM [DarkPrince] Ignore him, he's drinking.

2:23 AM [KannibalKilla] Can you even blame me right now

2:23 AM [Basement_dweller] Not at all.

2:34 AM [Nomura] Having fun?

2:35 AM [KannibalKilla] I guess

2:35 AM [Tobias.D] you guys have been acting weird all day

2:35 AM [D.Galadrigal] Turn on your camera

2:36 AM [KannibalKilla] no

2:36 AM [Tobias.D]  that sounds fun though you guys wanna video chat?

2:36 AM [Basement_dweller] Sure.

2:36 AM [D.Galadrigal] You look exhausted, Draal.

2:37 AM [Tobias.D] holy crap what have you been doing

2:37 AM [Basement_dweller] nothing

2:37 AM [KannibalKilla] nothing

2:37 AM [DarkPrince] has left the group

2:37 AM [KannibalKilla] ha

2:38 AM [Tobias.D] cheater

2:38 AM [D.Galadrigal] Nomura knows what they're doing.

2:39 AM [Nomura] I do.

2:39 AM [Eli] is that who I think it is

2:39 AM [Tobias.D] dictatious, gunmar's creepin on you

2:40 AM [D.Galadrigal] I know. I let him think he catches me off-guard.

2:40 AM [KannibalKilla] What the shit that's adorable look

2:40 AM [Tobias.D] if you say so

2:41 AM [D.Galadrigal] I guess he's staying here.

2:41 AM [Basement_dweller] Tell him to leave.

2:41 AM [D.Galadrigal] I just got comfortable.

2:41 AM [KannibalKilla] so does he know about bular

2:42 AM [D.Galadrigal] No. I wish he'd speak to his father

2:42 AM [Nomura] Are we really allowing gunmar to watch us?

2:42 AM [Tobias.D] He won't leave

2:42 AM [Eli] Is he looking at us?

2:43 AM [D.Galadrigal] No, he's staring at the light above the camera.

2:43 AM [Tobias.D] show him that jumpscare video with the car

2:43 AM [KannibalKilla] Be nice.

2:43 AM [Basement_dweller] Be nice to Gunmar?

2:44 AM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

2:44 AM [Basement_dweller] No.

2:45 AM [SpringKing] dude's all over your ears though what the heck

2:45 AM [D.Galadrigal] He's quite affectionate.

2:45 AM [KannibalKilla] is he giving you a fuckin bath lmao

2:45 AM [KannibalKilla] has added [DarkPrince]

2:46 AM [Nomura] Quality time with his chewtoy.

2:46 AM [D.Galadrigal] He's the chewtoy.

2:47 AM [Nomura] Of course he is.

2:48 AM [Nomura] has added [W.Strickler]

2:48 AM [Tobias.D] oh snap

2:48 AM [KannibalKilla] hey jackass

2:48 AM [SpringKing] punk bitch

2:48 AM [Basement_dweller] We're going to kill you.

2:48 AM [DarkPrince] Slowly.

2:49 AM [Blinky] Angor Rot doesn't talk much but I'm sure he wants to kill you too.

2:49 AM [Tobias.D] Night guys.

2:49 AM [KannibalKilla] Night.

2:49 AM [Nomura] Make him feel right at home everyone.

2:50 AM [KannibalKilla] We use his picture as a dartboard

2:50 AM [W.Strickler] Perhaps I should have stayed home.

2:50 AM [KannibalKilla] nah man your fate is kinda like intertwined with ours

2:50 AM [DarkPrince] A prophecy.

2:50 AM [W.Strickler] I believed you were dead, Bular.

2:51 AM [DarkPrince] You hoped I was dead.

2:51 AM [KannibalKilla] mess him up bro

2:51 AM [W.Strickler] Bro?

2:51 AM [DarkPrince] Yes. We are bros.

2:52 AM [KannibalKilla] Thunder buddies

2:52 AM [W.Strickler] You're joking.

2:52 AM [D.Galadrigal] They aren't.

2:52 AM [KannibalKilla] welcome to hell.


	25. Principal dickler [Block Party]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pretty quiet evening.

usernames are as follows:

 GnomeHunter: Jim

 Tobias.D: Toby

 KannibalKilla: NotEnrique

 Bular: DarkPrince

 Claire: L4dybug

 Draal: Basement_Dweller

 Blinky: Blinky.. for now.

Angor Rot: Rotten

Barbara: Dr.L

Dictatious: D.Galadrigal

Nomura: Nomura

Steve: SpringKing

Eli: Eli

Strickler: W.Strickler)

  
10/12/16

7:49 PM [KannibalKilla] @D.Galadrigal come hang with us

7:50 PM [D.Galadrigal] Gunmar would insist on being there with me.

7:50 PM [DarkPrince] Don't bring Gunmar.

7:51 PM [W.Strickler] He doesn't know you're alive either, does he?

7:51 PM [KannibalKilla] so how's that nasty bruise on your head strickler

7:51 PM [W.Strickler] You told me Barbara wasn't home.

7:51 PM [KannibalKilla] I lied.

7:51 PM [Nomura] You deserved it.

7:52 PM [Dr.L] You're next.

7:52 PM [KannibalKilla] oh snap

7:52 PM [KannibalKilla] my money's on dr lake

7:52 PM [Nomura] Are you afraid of her?

7:53 PM [Blinky] Yes.

7:53 PM [KannibalKilla] yeah

7:53 PM [DarkPrince] Absolutely.

7:54 PM [Basement_dweller] with good reason.

7:54 PM [Nomura] Excellent.

7:54 PM [KannibalKilla] send me a picture I didn't get to see it

7:55 PM [W.Strickler] Why would I do that?

7:55 PM [Basement_dweller] has sent a file: shiner.png

7:55 PM [KannibalKilla] she got you good

7:56 PM [DarkPrince] look at it sideways

7:56 PM [KannibalKilla] HA

7:56 PM [W.Strickler] It's good to see how much joy my suffering brings you.

7:56 PM [DarkPrince] You do not yet know suffering, Stricklander.

7:57 PM [Blinky] They've been planning your slow, agonizing demise for months.

7:57 PM [Dr.L] We had to ban that discussion from the dinner table.

7:57 PM [KannibalKilla] man that was toby's fault not ours

7:57 PM [Nomura] The two of you are a horrible influence. I weep for your child.

7:58 PM [DarkPrince] We are not.

7:58 PM [D.Galadrigal] You are.

7:58 PM [W.Strickler] How did you and Gunmar get involved in this, Dictatious?

7:59 PM [D.Galadrigal] I helped your trollhunter escape from the darklands.

7:59 PM [KannibalKilla] Gunmar doesn't know that either so don't say shit

8:00 PM [Marshmall0w] unless you wanna get messed up dude

8:00 PM [DarkPrince] gang gang

8:00 PM [W.Strickler] So you're a spy?

8:00 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm a gossip.

8:01 PM [KannibalKilla] He's got Gunmar wrapped around his finger too

8:01 PM [D.Galadrigal] Among other things.

8:01 PM [Nomura] So Gunmar's a catcher?

8:02 PM [D.Galadrigal] Of course he is. He'd tear me in two.

8:02 PM [Nomura] Excellent.

8:02 PM [DarkPrince] Could we discuss something else?

8:02 PM [KannibalKilla] does he suck toes lmao

8:03 PM [D.Galadrigal] I'm sure he would if I asked him to.

8:03 PM [KannibalKilla] so dickler, seen jim's ink yet?

8:04 PM [Nomura] dickler

8:04 PM [W.Strickler] He has a tattoo?

8:04 PM [D.Galadrigal] A product of a very stupid escape plan. The trollhunter planned to have himself branded as a gumm gumm officer and challenge Gunmar for his throne.

8:05 PM [W.Strickler] I truly thought he was smarter than that.

8:05 PM [Dr.L] Thankfully he had enough sense to get out of there when he did.

8:05 PM [Basement_dweller] He already wants more tattoos.

8:05 PM [KannibalKilla] we should get carved up @DarkPrince

8:06 PM [DarkPrince] Absolutely.

8:06 PM [KannibalKilla] sickness

8:06 PM [D.Galadrigal] He officially issued the challenge before his escape. If he kills Gunmar, your trollhunter becomes the new gumm gumm king.

8:06 PM [KannibalKilla] I feel like he would be an alright king.

8:07 PM [D.Galadrigal] Oh I meant to tell you, Blinkous, I learned of another spy.

8:07 PM [Blinky] You meant to tell me?

8:07 PM [D.Galadrigal] I have a lot going on right now, Gunmar just won't stop talking about world domination. It's that krubera, the one with what Tobias calls 'resting bitch face'.

8:08 PM [Blinky] You'll need to be more specific.

8:08 PM [D.Galadrigal] I don't know her name. The one that always looks like she smelled a fart and liked it.

8:08 PM [Blinky] Usurna? Are you certain?

8:08 PM [D.Galadrigal] Positive. I'm having my secretary keep an eye on her.

8:08 PM [Basement_dweller] So is the world dominating him or

8:08 PM [KannibalKilla] ha

8:09 PM [D.Galadrigal] Just me.

8:09 PM [DarkPrince] Can we not

8:10 PM [Nomura] This is why we have this chat. Do tell, Dictatious.

8:10 PM [Blinky] If Usurna is a spy as my brother claims, Vendel needs to know.

8:11 PM [Nomura] Will he speak to you yet?

8:11 PM [Blinky] He will.

8:11 PM [Nomura] What makes you think he'll believe you? He isn't exactly happy with you or your trollhunter.

8:12 PM [D.Galadrigal] Bring me to Vendel and I'll tell him.

8:12 PM [Blinky] I can't bring a gumm gumm into our shelter.

8:12 PM [KannibalKilla] racist ass

8:12 PM [Marshmall0w] I like that everyone knew Dictatious was talking about Usurna

8:13 PM [Basement_dweller] It's an accurate description.

8:13 PM [W.Strickler] Why not confront her yourselves?

8:13 PM [Basement_dweller] Like we did with you?

8:13 PM [Blinky] She's still a member of the tribunal. Assaulting Usurna would be suicide.

8:13 PM [D.Galadrigal] The others will be on her side as well.

8:14 PM [Blinky] We'll have to tread carefully around her.

8:14 PM [D.Galadrigal] I can have her killed if you want.

8:14 PM [KannibalKilla] We're in.

8:14 PM [DarkPrince] Professional corpse recovery and disposal.

8:14 PM [Dr.L] Tell me that's not how you guys make all that money

8:15 PM [KannibalKilla] Nah hiding bodies gets you chump change, we're real shit

8:15 PM [Dr.L] I'm not sure if I wanna know what real shit is.

8:15 PM [Blinky] We can't simply kill her, Gunmar would notice.

8:15 PM [D.Galadrigal] I don't believe she knows that I speak with you. I'll tell you whatever I hear.

8:16 PM [W.Strickler] Like a spy.

8:16 PM [D.Galadrigal] I guess.

8:16 PM [Basement_dweller] @DarkPrince it's 8:15 where are you

8:16 PM [KannibalKilla] Walking.

8:16 PM [Basement_dweller] Good. Once you get here I'm gonna go crawl into the basement and die.

8:17 PM [Dr.L] You better not.

8:17 PM [Nomura] I thought you said you could handle it.

8:17 PM [KannibalKilla] We are handling it. Bular needs some time @Basement_dweller

8:17 PM [Basement_dweller] He's had plenty of time it's his turn

8:17 PM [KannibalKilla] Well shit would you rather Bular take him to visit Gunmar

8:18 PM [D.Galadrigal] Is that where he's going?

8:18 PM [KannibalKilla] I want pictures.

8:18 PM [Blinky] Take who to visit Gunmar?

8:18 PM [Basement_dweller] That's classified.

8:18 PM [Blinky] If his father asks him anything about us, Bular must tell him correct?

8:18 PM [D.Galadrigal] Yes.

8:18 PM [KannibalKilla] @Basement_dweller give him one more night I'm going after him

8:18 PM [Basement_dweller] One more night.

8:19 PM [W.Strickler] You're following Bular?

8:19 PM [KannibalKilla] I can lie, Bular can't. We can make the shit work.

8:19 PM [W.Strickler] This isn't safe at all. What if he kills you?

8:20 PM [KannibalKilla] Gotta be there for my bro

8:20 PM [Marshmall0w] Tell him you guys are married lmao

8:21 PM [Nomura] For health insurance.

8:21 PM [KannibalKilla] my insurance plan does cover a wife and kids, think gunmar will buy that?

8:21 PM [Nomura] No. But it's funny.

8:21 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll make sure he sees those pictures from your office

8:22 PM [D.Galadrigal] That would probably put Gunmar in a better mood.

8:22 PM [Nomura] Should we be worried? Gunmar won't be pleased to know that his son is loyal to the trollhunter.

8:22 PM [KannibalKilla] He'll be alright he's got backup

8:23 PM [Nomura] I know why he's going to Gunmar. Take pictures.

8:23 PM [D.Galadrigal] Of?

8:23 PM [Nomura] You'll see. I'm sure Draal is on his way too, this will be interesting.

8:23 PM [Basement_dweller] Already there.

8:23 PM [Dr.L] According to Toby, Jim is already on his way to stop them.

8:24 PM [Nomura] No this is perfect don't let him spoil it

8:24 PM [KannibalKilla] We'll text you if anything crazy happens

8:28 PM [D.Galadrigal] Nomura

8:28 PM [Nomura] I know.

8:28 PM [D.Galadrigal] I can't believe it

8:28 PM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: morons.png

8:28 PM [Dr.L] Oh good lord

8:29 PM [Blinky] We need to have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hella tags to be updated.


	26. Fathers and bros and shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve explains the appeal of big tiddy anime girls while Bular attempts to reconnect with his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a while. It's long af and it finally leads into part 3 though so that's cool I guess. Thanks for like reading and commenting and stuff too lmao I'll smoke a blunt for you dudes and/or dudettes. 
> 
> Everything that happens in this chapter is important I swear.

B10/13/16

1:18 AM [GnomeHunter] trollmarket is scary af now guys it's like silent hill

1:18 AM [GnomeHunter]has sent a file: trollmrkt.png

1:18 AM [Tobias.D] what's with those guys in the corner lmao

1:18 AM [GnomeHunter] tell you later

1:19 AM [Tobias.D] you guys wanna tell me what's going on I'm still confused

1:19 AM [GnomeHunter] You aren't the only one idk why i'm still waiting here

1:19 AM [D.Galadrigal] Well this is exciting. Here, I already have pictures.

1:19 AM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file: Bular.png

1:20 AM [L4dybug] Okay that's adorable and all but like how the hell do you just 'find' a baby

1:20 AM [KannibalKilla] he's not a baby

1:20 AM [KannibalKilla] Has sent a file: 0012.png

1:20 AM [Tobias.D] whaaaaaaat

1:20 AM [KannibalKilla] Draal found him. Kid says that his mom tried to eat him so he hid under some guy's armor so he could follow gunmar out of the darklands and learn to fight so nobody would eat him.

1:21 AM [L4dybug] He's like a really tiny bular

1:21 AM [Dr.L] His mother tried to eat him??

1:21 AM [KannibalKilla] he smells even worse than bular does

1:21 AM [Dr.L] You could have asked me for help, I'm a mother after all.

1:22 AM [KannibalKilla] troll kids are some next level shit barbara no offense

1:22 AM [Nomura] So what did Gunmar have to say?

1:23 AM [D.Galadrigal] Gunmar is relieved to know that his son lives. Disappointed, of course, in his son's choice to serve the trollhunter.

1:23 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: 0013.png

1:23 AM [Tobias.D] looks like bular's about to get grounded lmao

1:23 AM [D.Galadrigal] You're supposed to wait with the trollhunter. I'm taking pictures.

1:24 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm watching his back

1:24 AM [Blinky] You should have told somebody about this.

1:24 AM [KannibalKilla] @Nomura

1:25 AM [Nomura] They told me.

1:25 AM [Blinky] Why did they tell you?

1:26 AM [Nomura] I'm not a snitch.

1:26 AM [W.Strickler] So you found him and just decided to keep him?

1:27 AM [KannibalKilla] He was lost and shit we couldn't just ditch him. He's like a little bro.

1:27 AM [Tobias.D] I thought you and bular were bros

1:27 AM [KannibalKilla] we can all be bros I have two hands

1:27 AM [D.Galadrigal] This is weird.

1:28 AM [Nomura] Absolutely.

1:28 AM [Tobias.D] you guys are parents now tf

1:28 AM [Nomura] All three of them. Does he have a name?

1:29 AM [KannibalKilla] he doesn't have one. bular and draal want to let him pick his own name which is a terrible idea

1:29 AM [Tobias.D] @GnomeHunter remember when you wanted to change your name

1:29 AM [GnomeHunter] we're not talking about that

1:30 AM [Nomura] He lives with you and Bular so I'm sure it will be disgusting.

1:30 AM [KannibalKilla] he's gonna name himself some dumb shit like

1:30 AM [KannibalKilla] popcorn fart

1:30 AM [Basement_dweller] He would.

1:31 AM [GnomeHunter] You guys finally on your way out

1:31 AM [D.Galadrigal] Gunmar wants to speak with you, trollhunter.

1:31 AM [GnomeHunter] Why?

1:31 AM [D.Galadrigal] He accepted your challenge but you left before the two of you could discuss your terms.

1:32 AM [D.Galadrigal] If you win you will become the gumm gumm king. We don't know what he wants if he defeats you.

1:32 AM [GnomeHunter] crap

1:32 AM [Blinky] You can't go in and see him alone.

1:32 AM [GnomeHunter] draal and bular are here

1:33 AM [DarkPrince] We cannot be present while he speaks to you.

1:33 AM [D.Galadrigal] Don't make him wait.

1:34 AM [Dr.L] jim don't go in there

1:34 AM [D.Galadrigal] I assure you, your son will not be harmed. Gunmar is in a good mood for once.

1:34 AM [KannibalKilla] He'll be alright.

1:34 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm going to talk with him now.

1:35 AM [Tobias.D] dude if you think you're young in there alone

1:35 AM [GnomeHunter] I'll be fine.

1:36 AM [KannibalKilla] We're waiting here just in case man he's good

1:36 AM [Basement_dweller] We're professionals.

1:36 AM [Marshmall0w] I'm outside trollmarket and I have thermite if you guys need it

1:36 AM [Blinky] How much thermite do you have? Would you be willing to part with some?

1:37 AM [D.Galadrigal] Don't do it.

1:37 AM [Tobias.D] Where did you get thermite??

1:37 AM [Marshmall0w] We made it this morning. Gotta be ready for anything.

1:37 AM [D.Galadrigal] has sent a file [ruined.png]

1:37 AM [Tobias.D] what's he laughing about

1:38 AM [D.Galadrigal] some poor guard tripped and smashed his teeth on the ground.

1:38 AM [D.Galadrigal] I guess we're done though. That was fast.

1:38 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah we're done.

1:38 AM [Blinky] What did he tell you?

1:38 AM [GnomeHunter] He said he would kill me quickly and leave you guys alone because Bular is still alive. Killing me is kinda all he wants out of it.

1:38 AM [Dr.L] Are you telling us everything?

1:39 AM [GnomeHunter] no

1:39 AM [Tobias.D] spill it

1:39 AM [GnomeHunter] you guys are gonna be pissed

1:39 AM [Dr.L] We'll just add this to your sentence.

1:40 AM [Tobias.D] his sentence lmao

1:40 AM [GnomeHunter] Alright do it.

1:40 AM [D.Galadrigal] added [asslord]

1:40 AM [Tobias.D] how many people are in this chat now lol

1:40 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm sending you guys a new chat link. This time it's for serious stuff.

1:40 AM [Tobias.D] why

1:40 AM [Tobias.D] dude no

1:41 AM [Tobias.D] tell me that's not who I think it is

1:41 AM [KannibalKilla] is that gunmar man what the shit

1:41 AM [Blinky] I like his name.

1:41 AM [D.Galadrigal] I thought of it.

1:42 AM [GnomeHunter] Its the only thing he said he wanted aside from the joy of murdering me in front of everyone.

1:42 AM [W.Strickler] This chat is a nightmare.

1:42 AM [KannibalKilla] An absolute clusterfuck.

1:42 AM [asslord] is now known as [Underlord]

1:42 AM [KannibalKilla] spell it Underl0rd instead it looks cooler

1:43 AM [Tobias.D] for the record I am 8000 kinds of not okay with this

1:43 AM [Rotten] Initiate him.

1:44 AM [Tobias.D] Oh yeah lol

1:44 AM [Blinky] Why?

1:45 AM [D.Galadrigal] To make you all as uncomfortable as possible.

1:45 AM [D.Galadrigal] For the record I was against this.

1:45 AM [Underlord] is now known as [Underl0rd]

1:45 AM [KannibalKilla] oh shit

1:46 AM [KannibalKilla] @Underl0rd you have to draw a penis and send a picture that's the rule

1:46 AM [Nomura] I see we're wasting no time in fucking with him. Draw a dick, Gunmar.

1:46 AM [Dr.L] So he's in our chat now

1:46 AM [GnomeHunter] yeah

1:47 AM [Underl0rd] I do not know how to send you this penis.

1:47 AM [Nomura] oh corrupt him

1:47 AM [Tobias.D] I shall.

1:47 AM [Blinky] Only your dankest deep fried memes will do. Give him no quarter.

1:48 AM [GnomeHunter] crispy memes? :^)

1:48 AM [Underl0rd] What are memes?

1:48 AM [KannibalKilla] a source of energy for some

1:49 AM [Tobias.D] Images depicting ancient gods and powerful demons. Bob ross, hank hill, shrek, and other beasts of power

1:49 AM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: Shrekislove.png

1:49 AM [Underl0rd] I do not understand the significance of this image.

1:49 AM [KannibalKilla] It's Shrek. God of layers.

1:49 AM [Underl0rd] has sent a file: dicc.png

1:50 AM [GnomeHunter] that's really detailed.

1:50 AM [KannibalKilla] That's one for the fridge

1:50 AM [D.Galadrigal] @KannibalKilla wanna smoke

1:51 AM [KannibalKilla] finally hell yeah let's talk later

1:51 AM [D.Galadrigal] is now known as [dicc]

1:51 AM [dicc] So this is cozy.

1:51 AM [Tobias.D] I'm legit scared rn why did this happen

1:51 AM [Tobias.D] our sanctuary has been defiled

1:52 AM [GnomeHunter] What's next? Our memes?

1:52 AM [Blinky] Goodness, not the memes.

1:53 AM [Tobias.D] with no memes it will be anarchy

1:53 AM [Nomura] Blood in the streets.

1:53 AM [Tobias.D] the great war of our time

1:53 AM [dicc] tomorrow's wars will be fought with memes

1:54 AM [W.Strickler] Good to see that you're all taking this seriously.

1:54 AM [Underl0rd] Stricklander?

1:54 AM [Nomura] The one and only.

1:54 AM [Underl0rd] My son tells me you sang him lullabies.

1:55 AM [W.Strickler] Under threat of death.

1:55 AM [Underl0rd] I may have a reason to keep you alive.

1:55 AM [Dr.L] please say court jester

1:56 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm on my way home guys

1:56 AM [KannibalKilla] your mom's gonna kill you again

1:56 AM [Dr.L] We'll talk.

1:57 AM [L4dybug] that's actually him??

1:57 AM [dicc] Yes.

1:58 AM [L4dybug] Hit him with the hard stuff toby

1:58 AM [Tobias.D] >redbone sung by a fidget spinner for 12 hours

1:58 AM [L4dybug] lol yeah that

1:58 AM [W.Strickler] What is wrong with you? He wants to kill all of us and your memes won't stop that.

1:59 AM [Tobias.D] don't underestimate the power of memes

1:59 AM [GnomeHunter] has changed the channel name to [FellowshipOfTheD]

1:59 AM [Underl0rd] The D?

2:00 AM [Tobias.D] For daylight.

2:00 AM [GnomeHunter] and vitamin D

2:00 AM [KannibalKilla] could also mean D as in Death of all humans

2:00 AM [Underl0rd] If this is truly the meaning of the D, then I'd like the D right now.

2:00 AM [dicc] That's also a possibility. Surely we'll never know what the D truly means.

2:01 AM [Tobias.D] We'll never get the D

2:01 AM [SpringKing] has sent a file: praisethesun.png

2:01 AM [KannibalKilla] is that peach sunny d

2:01 AM [SpringKing] Is that gunmar?

2:01 AM [dicc] Yes.

2:01 AM [KannibalKilla] man I can't find that anywhere, please share

2:02 AM [L4dybug] are you asking steve to give you the D

2:02 AM [Eli] uh hi excuse me

2:02 AM [dicc] Uh oh

2:02 AM [SpringKing] lmao

2:03 AM [KannibalKilla] I was not

2:03 AM [L4dybug] uh huh

2:03 AM [L4dybug] first you tell blinky to spank you, now you want steve to give you the D

2:03 AM [KannibalKilla] oh piss off

2:04 AM [SpringKing] Eli why aren't you sleeping? We have class in a few hours.

2:04 AM [Eli] I can't sleep. World might end.

2:04 AM [SpringKing] Fair.

2:05 AM [GnomeHunter] Yep.

2:05 AM [Tobias.D] Who even sleeps anymore?

2:05 AM [Tobias.D] I can hear Dr lake chewing jim out from across the street

2:05 AM [SpringKing] press f to pay respects

2:06 AM [Tobias.D] f

2:06 AM [Eli] f

2:06 AM [W.Strickler] What does that even mean?

2:06 AM [Nomura] I'm not sure.

2:06 AM [Nomura] f

2:06 AM [Underl0rd] f

2:06 AM [Tobias.D] It's working guys

2:07 AM [Eli] Steve you wanna play smite?

2:07 AM [SpringKing] no you should sleep

2:07 AM [Underl0rd] What is smite?

2:07 AM [Eli] It's a video game.

2:08 AM [Underl0rd] What is a video game?

2:08 AM [KannibalKilla] I will teach you the ways of ninja gaiden

2:08 AM [KannibalKilla] once bular gets his head out of his ass and admits he wants to spend time with his dad, that is

2:08 AM [dicc] We should rob a bank.

2:09 AM [Tobias.D] you should not

2:09 AM [KannibalKilla] I am absolutely interested, dick.

2:09 AM [Basement_dweller] Bular left this child with me again. Where is he now?

2:09 AM [Tobias.D] aren't you in jim's basement right now

2:10 AM [Basement_dweller] Yes.

2:10 AM [KannibalKilla] bular's taking a walk or something

2:10 AM [Tobias.D] we're coming over

2:24 AM [GnomeHunter] anybody still up?

2:24 AM [Basement_dweller] Yes.

2:24 AM [Tobias.D] dude come downstairs

2:24 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm grounded.

2:25 AM [dicc] Ha.

2:25 AM [Tobias.D] I could hear that from my house dude

2:25 AM [GnomeHunter] What are you doing downstairs?

2:25 AM [KannibalKilla] We're all down here waiting for bular cause me and him gotta have bro talk

2:26 AM [Tobias.D] I mean it's still your house you aren't leaving

2:26 AM [Dr.L] Don't even think about it.

2:26 AM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: ownt.png

2:26 AM [GnomeHunter] Your kid's here?

2:26 AM [Basement_dweller] He calls himself Atreyu now.

2:26 AM [KannibalKilla] If I ever have to watch that movie again

2:26 AM [MarshMall0w] That's the sickest name ever

2:27 AM [KannibalKilla] better than his first choice

2:27 AM [GnomeHunter] Which was?

2:27 AM [Basement_dweller] coyote bongwater.

2:27 AM [GnomeHunter] lol

2:28 AM [dicc] has sent a file: mtdumbass.png

2:28 AM [Dr.L] What are you doing in my basement Dictatious?

2:28 AM [dicc] Cartoons.

2:28 AM [Tobias.D] It's anime not a cartoon

2:28 AM [KannibalKilla] Drugs.

2:28 AM [Dr.L] Not in my house. Smoke outside, you guys.

2:29 AM [dicc] Blinkous come visit, I miss you :::c

2:29 AM [Blinky] No.

2:29 AM [KannibalKilla] oh come on he misses you

2:29 AM [GnomeHunter] haha are you guys watching keijo

2:29 AM [Tobias.D] for the story ofc

2:30 AM [dicc] has sent a file: bounce.mp4

2:30 AM [dicc] @Underl0rd let's watch this later

2:30 AM [Underl0rd] Absolutely not. I have no interest in these human females.

2:30 AM [KannibalKilla] Or any female lmao

2:31 AM [Underl0rd] Of course not.

2:31 AM [Dr.L] What on earth are you watching??

2:31 AM [Blinky] I don't see how you find this entertaining.

2:31 AM [Eli] ask steve about it he's our local anime tiddy expert

2:31 AM [Tobias.D] lmao what

2:31 AM [SpringKing] I wouldn't call myself an expert

2:32 AM [Underl0rd] Tell me of this anime tiddy

2:32 AM [W.Strickler] This is truly bizarre.

2:33 AM [SpringKing] The truth is that there's really no way to explain why people find unnaturally round anime babes attractive it's just evolution or something

2:33 AM [KannibalKilla] makes sense to me.

2:33 AM [Eli] Nozomi is worst waifu

2:33 AM [SpringKing] don't you even dare okay

 


	27. Among liars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new chat is started. Liars only.

10/13/16

1:27 PM [GnomeHunter] created the group [Trollhunters part 2]

1:27 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Tobias.D]

1:27 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Basement_dweller]

1:27 PM [Tobias.D] secret trollhunter group, sick

1:27 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Blinky]

1:27 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [L4dybug]

1:27 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Nomura]

1:28 PM [Tobias.D] has added [KannibalKilla]

1:28 PM [Tobias.D] has added [W.Strickler]

1:29 PM [GnomeHunter] claire you look really tired

1:29 PM [W.Strickler] Texting in class again?

1:29 PM [Tobias.D] him what are you talking about you look like a zombie

1:30 PM [GnomeHunter] training killed me last night

1:30 PM [Basement_dweller] You're improving.

1:30 PM [GnomeHunter] I can't feel my arms

1:30 PM [L4dybug] It's this stupid dream I keep having

1:30 PM [W.Strickler] So do we have a plan?

1:31 PM [GnomeHunter] Don't let gunmar kill us

1:31 PM [Tobias.D] I like that plan

1:31 PM [W.Strickler] Brilliant.

1:31 PM [KannibalKilla] me and bular have been workin on a secret weapon that should help

1:31 PM [GnomeHunter] A secret weapon?

1:31 PM [KannibalKilla] it's not really a weapon but it will distract gunmar long enough for you to get close

1:32 PM [KannibalKilla] its codename: handjob

1:32 PM [Nomura] Dictatious named it, didn't he?

1:32 PM [Tobias.D] ofc he did

1:32 PM [GnomeHunter] So gunmar wants to like block out the sun and take over the planet and we'll all die so we gotta stop that

1:32 PM [Nomura] Dictatious told you this?

1:32 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah.

1:33 PM [Blinky] Has he said anything about Usurna?

1:33 PM [GnomeHunter] only that she has bad skin and a big ass

1:33 PM [Tobias.D] lol

1:33 PM [GnomeHunter] He said that gunmar is searching for the pale lady I guess he can talk to her or something?

1:34 PM [L4dybug] Should we ask angor rot about this?

1:34 PM [Blinky] Oh dear.

1:34 PM [Tobias.D] has added [Rotten]

1:35 PM [Rotten] Another one?

1:35 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah this is important. Dictatious said that Gunmar is looking for the pale lady

1:35 PM [Rotten] What an idiot. He cannot free the pale lady and if he believes that she would help him take the surface he's an imbecile.

1:35 PM [Blinky] If he were to find her?

1:35 PM [Rotten] If he ever found a means to free her, he will never find her.

1:35 PM [Blinky] Even so, this does not bode well.

1:35 PM [Tobias.D] So should we add Dictatious? He knows about this stuff.

1:35 PM [GnomeHunter] We can't. Gumm Gumms can't lie, and if Gunmar asks him anything about it he'll have to tell him.

1:35 PM [KannibalKilla] Same goes for Bular.

1:35 PM [Nomura] This chat is for liars only.

1:36 PM [Tobias.D] has changed the chat name to [LiarsOnly]

1:36 PM [Blinky] So what do we know so far?

1:36 PM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar wants to block the sun out and kill us all, and he needs the pale lady to do that

1:36 PM [Nomura] I suggest you hurry and kill him.

1:37 PM [Tobias.D] Didn't you say the tribunal would have to approve you challenging gunmar?

1:37 PM [GnomeHunter] crap that's right

1:37 PM [Tobias.D] Usurna will be all over that

1:37 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't think it matters now. Even if they don't approve it I'll still have to fight Gunmar.

1:37 PM [Rotten] I will return to Arcadia. If that witch is released I would like nothing more than to tear her to pieces.

1:38 PM [L4dybug] That's stupid though if he blocks the sun out everybody will freeze to death, human or troll.

1:38 PM [GnomeHunter] I don't think that matters to him.

1:38 PM [Tobias.D] alright no more memes and penises, srs trollhunter stuff

1:38 PM [KannibalKilla] guys wanna save the world later lmao

1:38 PM [GnomeHunter] can't I'm grounded

1:38 PM [Blinky] I will speak with Vendel about your wager with Gunmar. I'm certain that if he sees you himself, he will kill you.

1:39 PM [KannibalKilla] rip

1:39 PM [Tobias.D] f

1:39 PM [Nomura] We start training tomorrow.

1:40 PM [Tobias.D] Damn dude you gotta train with draal bular and nomura tomorrow

1:40 PM [W.Strickler] and every day afterwards.

1:40 PM [Nomura] It won't be pleasant but it will give you a chance.

1:40 PM [KannibalKilla] rip jim

1:41 PM [GnomeHunter] long as gunmar doesn't decide to show up and watch

1:41 PM [Tobias.D] I hope not he already violated our chat

1:41 PM [KannibalKilla] don't worry me and marsh are planning for that too

1:41 PM [L4dybug] you guys are busy

1:41 PM [W.Strickler] I'm afraid to ask what this plan consists of.

1:41 PM [GnomeHunter] Whatever helps even the odds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little did Jim know that a powerful wizard lies dormant, waiting to exploit him and everything he loves.


	28. Beast, bastard, and battleaxe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draal, Bular and NE get drunk in Barbara's basement. Takes place during Jim's time in the darklands.

     Draal and Bular are finally getting along. Guess they're growin' on each other or something, or maybe it's just that they're too messed up to kill each other. I was pretty scared for a while after that fight, you know? We all were. I didn't wanna lose my bro. Once the bleedin' stopped and they were both conscious for the most part Barbara grounded 'em both and had Bular stay in the basement with Draal.

Bular's pissed about his horn, understandably. He really went overboard when he bit Draal's fuckin' fingers off though. So finally I have em both sittin' in the same place without tryin' to murder each other and I figure it's a good time to break out the fun stuff.

    Soon as I open a can of beer Bular sits up, of course. Once I got my bong on the table he was awake and ready to go, shit was funny considerin' the circumstances. Draal's still out cold, looks like. I passed a 24 pack to Bular to start while I'm packing us a bowl. Once I started grinding my stuff Draal wakes up.

"What is that rancid smell?" he asks. The whole basement smelled like some rank-arse weed now and I hope to hell Barbara doesn't smell it. Bular was already finished with his first case of beer, and halfway through his second already. Guess he was feeling generous or somethin' cause he gave the third case to Draal.

"It's weed, mate."

"If Barbara smells that..."

Bular snorted. "She is sleeping." He really is a troll of few words. Bular set his own pipe on the table but I snatched that away from him. I wasn't gonna let him try and pack it with a broken hand.

    I tossed him some more booze. I made sure to grab as much as I could on the way over. Toby said they were gonna need it and he really wasn't jokin'. "You need to chill. You're all fucked up, mate. Both of you." He rolls his eyes at me like a little chud and sits back against the wall.

I turned some cartoons on for 'em so I could focus on gettin' this giant bowl packed up. Before we partook, I stuffed a dirty towel under the basement door too.

It took some convincing but Draal decided to smoke with us. Now this is stuff my boy marshmallow got from Germany or somethin' and it's strong enough to knock a troll on his arse for hours. Soon as Draal hit it you could see exactly how powerful the shit was and Bular starts crackin' the hell up at this guy's face. Draal started laughin' too.

    So we were all gettin' along, laughing at dumb crap and watchin' Aladdin when Bular starts sayin' some weird shit.

"Have you ever asked Blinkous what it's like to have six eyes?"

Bular didn't talk much unless he was smoking and it was always stuff like this too. Last week he lectured Blinky on the idea of time travel, and the social construct of beauty. Bular was one of _those_ smokers.

"I asked him once, when I was much younger. He just blinked all six eyes in this strange pattern and walked away."

I could picture that perfectly and I was definitely gonna ask him about it.

So the night went on, we smoked and drank ourselves stupid and it was going really well for the most part.

"Bular."

"Speak."

"I am sorry that I broke your horn."

"I'm sorry for eating your fingers. Your nose ring as well."

Ah man, that's sweet. Lookit how cute these drunken dumbasses are!

"If you'd like it back we need only wait until tomorrow."

Nevermind. So Bular leans back against the wall, drunk and droolin' and bleedin' on himself but smiling like an idiot. Draal tosses him another bottle of glug and it's really starting to look like I'll have to cut 'em off soon.

"When th' trollhunter killsss Gunmar, will you miss him?"

Whooooa okay see Bular doesn't like talkin' about his dad at all and worse, this is Draal the Deadly askin' him. The room was dead silent for a few seconds...

"I do not know. He and I were not close. I wassa warrior firs' and a son second."

Maaaaate fuck me Bular's actually talking to Draal about his dad!

"My father was distant. As the trollhunter he needed t'be."

Double fuck me Draal and Bular are bonding over daddy issues! I mean at any moment this could get just as violent as before but I didn't think there was any stoppin' this train. I just sat back and waited.

"I dinnot want to kill him. With his las' breath he begged the amulet to choose someone, anyone other than his son. I was gonna stop an' he jumped."

Took me a minute to see it but Bular was terrified of him. Afraid to say anything at all. Fear was really not a good look for him.

"You were gonna... Give up and uh stop killing at him?"

"Hewas thinkin' about you when he stepped into the sunlight an' died."

"He was...?"

"Jus' told you that, you chud."

Man I really hope these aren't too tanked to remember all this tomorrow. Everything went quiet again. The only sounds to be heard were the obnoxious high pitched voices of my favorite big tiddy anime babes from the tv.

"He wanned you t'be a warrior?"

"Who...?"

"Gunmar."

"Yes. He want'd a warrior ta strike terror into his enemies' hearts, a beast. My title was Bular th' Beast for many years."

"I was sposedto be th' trollhunter you know? I trained my whole life for th' amulet. Jim'sss doing a good job."

"He's ssstrong for a human. He could've killed me if he wanned to."

"I never did anything else I jus' wanted the amulet. I couldn't be a trollhunter."

"I'm certain tha' you would be a good trollunter..."

"You think so?"

Bular looked like he was about ready to pass out and I figured while these two were pourin' their drunken damn hearts out to each other I'd smoke a bit more because that last bit was tense. If I stop makin' sense that's probably why. Least those two were laughin' again.

"What will you do when Gunmar is defeated? When Claire's brother is returned?"

It took a sec to realize that Draal was talking to me.

"I dunno. I thought about it a bit."

That was a lie. This is somethin' that kept me up at night. What if they found out? How the hell was I supposed to explain this whole thing to them? Claire would die if her parents found out, not that I cared.

"I guess I'll find a place to lay low and sell trash to goblins." I finally told him. "Just like I been doin'."

Bular frowns at me. "You are welcome in my home at any time, you know this."

I knew that but I really didn't want to call it my home. Changelings all kinda felt the same way. Havin' one home for too long just felt wrong, almost like we ain't supposed to have a home.

Bular kinda leaned down and knocked his forehead up against mine. "You have not yet abandoned me, changeling. I will not leave you behind."

This wasn't something just any changeling would ever experience, to be treated like a proper troll.

"Thunder buddies, mate."

"I still do not understand this. What is a thunder buddy?"

So we had to watch Ted, it was unavoidable. Spent the rest of the evening watchin' it til we ran outta booze, then came the fuckin' singing.

Bular and Draal decided to tell stories, mostly about warriors and crap. Then they started singing them, so now I'm just waiting until Barbara to storm down into the basement and kill us all. After the sixth or seventh verse of 'Ogg the Obscene' or some shit Draal finally crashed. Me and Bular sat in the quiet basement for a few.

"So are we alright?"

"He and I are far from alright."

"Better though?"

After Bular doesn't respond I realize he's already asleep. Jackass.


	29. snitches get stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve can't play overwatch. Usurna is outed as a spy by an infant.

10/16/16

2:55 AM [KannibalKilla] So Usurna is probably bout to die who wants a video before I go home

2:55 AM [Tobias.D] I do but also what the heck what's going on

2:55 AM [KannibalKilla] I guess these kids overheard her talking with a bunch of gumm gumms and told vendel

2:55 AM [Tobias.D] we don't have to deal with her now I guess

2:55 AM [L4dybug] wow toby

2:56 AM [Tobias.D] what a tragedy

2:56 AM [dicc] Oh I hope it hurts her. She broke my favorite mug!

2:56 AM [Underl0rd] She will return to me, no doubt. I have no need for careless fools such as Usurna, allowing mere children to expose her.

2:56 AM [Tobias.D] eat her

2:57 AM [dicc] Surely we'll have plenty of leftovers.

2:57 AM [KannibalKilla] she even called herself an ambassador for gunmar lmao

2:57 AM [Underl0rd] I gave her no such title.

2:57 AM [dicc] More like fatassador

2:57 AM [L4dybug] that's not cool

2:58 AM [dicc] She broke my mug.

2:58 AM [Blinky] Your mug's been broken for some time.

2:58 AM [KannibalKilla] damn dick roast him back

2:58 AM [dicc] I find it amusing that Vendel would take the word of a child over yours, Blinkous.

2:59 AM [Underl0rd] Her death will not be fast or painless.

2:59 AM [Tobias.D] sick

2:59 AM [Eli] @SpringKing wanna play smite?

2:59 AM [Tobias.D] who's your main Eli?

3:00 AM [Eli] Agni. Steve's fenrir because he sucks.

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] long as he's not anoobis

3:00 AM [Eli] That's grounds for disowning somebody.

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] truth

3:02 AM [SpringKing] okay first screw you fenrir isn't that cheap and second why are you up we have school soon

3:02 AM [Eli] I can't sleep because there's frickin goblins on my roof making out

3:02 AM [Tobias.D] lol just throw something at them

3:02 AM [Eli] I tried that and you don't wanna know what they threw back

3:03 AM [SpringKing] gross

3:03 AM [SpringKing] Lake actually asleep for once?

3:03 AM [Tobias.D] Yeah finally

3:03 AM [KannibalKilla] you guys play overwatch?

3:03 AM [Eli] I do but Steve won't play anymore

3:04 AM [SpringKing] cause it's some bs okay

3:04 AM [KannibalKilla] s a l t

3:04 AM [SpringKing] Eli is impossibly good I can't keep up at all

3:04 AM [Blinky] Git gud.

3:04 AM [Tobias.D] LOL

3:05 AM [SpringKing] like how tf do you get gold in healing with fucking junkrat?????

3:05 AM [Eli] It's pretty easy

3:05 AM [Tobias.D] how is that possible at all please explain

3:06 AM [Blinky] I doubt I'll ever be able to keep up with all the video games you play.

3:06 AM [DarkPrince] has sent a file: sendhelp.png

3:06 AM [Nomura] You two look like you're having a great time. Could use a bath though.

3:06 AM [KannibalKilla] We are not ready to be parents.

3:06 AM [Tobias.D] How did he get it on the ceiling???

3:07 AM [Underl0rd] Children are good at that.

3:07 AM [Dr.L] I never had to scrub puke off my ceiling

3:08 AM [Tobias.D] kid's got distance

3:08 AM [Eli] ew

3:08 AM [Dr.L] Are you sure you guys don't want any help?

3:09 AM [KannibalKilla] We got it.

3:09 AM [DarkPrince] We do not got it.

3:09 AM [KannibalKilla] We won't have to scrub it he'll probably eat it

3:10 AM [Tobias.D] gross lmao

3:10 AM [dicc] Usurna is here who wants to see her die

3:11 AM [SpringKing] damn dude chill

3:11 AM [dicc] The underlord has no chill.

3:11 AM [Marshmall0w] we all know what happens to snitches

3:11 AM [Underl0rd] I will not kill her yet. I'd like her to think I hadn't noticed her failure before I eat her alive.

3:11 AM [KannibalKilla] a little chill

3:12 AM [Eli] minimal chill

3:12 AM [dicc] Boring.

3:12 AM [dicc] has sent a file: badbitches.png

3:12 AM [Underl0rd] I do not like these selfies.

3:12 AM [KannibalKilla] why not you guys are adorable sorta

3:13 AM [DarkPrince] Could really use your assistance at home @KannibalKilla

3:13 AM [KannibalKilla] aight on the way

3:13 AM [W.Strickler] You should all seek professional help.

3:13 AM [Nomura] There's no help for us.

3:14 AM [Tobias.D] we accepted this a long time ago

3:14 AM [SpringKing] has sent a file: browhy.png

3:15 AM [Tobias.D] damn dude your team sucked

3:15 AM [KannibalKilla] dat k/d

3:15 AM [Tobias.D] I like that skin though

3:16 AM [GnomeHunter] NE I swear I'm gonna strangle you

3:16 AM [KannibalKilla] It was an accident!

3:17 AM [Tobias.D] dude go back to bed

3:17 AM [GnomeHunter] I would if somebody bular and ne would be loud someplace else

3:17 AM [Tobias.D] do I have to come kill you guys

3:17 AM [W.Strickler] What are you doing at Jim's house at three in the morning?

3:18 AM [SpringKing] What are YOU doing at lake's house at three in the morning?

3:20 AM [Tobias.D] he's still typing

3:20 AM [SpringKing] You aren't really at his house are you??


	30. Franklin guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gunmar accidentally reveals his plans while Jim and Claire chase down a janitor that's doped up on grave dirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you know their usernames by now.

10/28/16

5:59 PM [SpringKing] okay first order of business

6:00 PM [SpringKing] Strickler you're an asshole

6:00 PM [Nomura] Are you new here?

6:00 PM [SpringKing] I had to call Lawrence my dad to wake him up cause of your stupid grave dirt

6:00 PM [SpringKing] he is never going to let that go

6:00 PM [Underl0rd] Imbecile. Grave sand would surely kill any fleshbag that dared use it.

6:01 PM [Nomura] This is not the first time he's almost killed everyone in Arcadia. First pixies and golems, now grave sand.

6:01 PM [KannibalKilla] Just heard what happened and why wasn't I invited?

6:01 PM [Blinky] I'm just glad it could be contained.

6:01 PM [Tobias.D] I'm never going to school again

6:02 PM [Eli] Nope.

6:02 PM [SpringKing] No sir.

6:02 PM [KannibalKilla] school's for chumps.

6:02 PM [SpringKing] I'll drop out and be a hobo

6:02 PM [KannibalKilla] Hell yeah

6:03 PM [Eli] Box cars and whiskey in jars.

6:03 PM [Tobias.D] dude let's all be hobos

6:03 PM [Tobias.D] like after we save the world

6:03 PM [SpringKing] Eli has the right idea

6:03 PM [Eli] I don't think I could be a hobo.

6:04 PM [dicc] Are you hobos now? I thought you were trollhunters.

6:04 PM [Eli] We're creepslayerz

6:04 PM [SpringKing] big difference

6:04 PM [Underl0rd] What is a creepslayer?

6:04 PM [Eli] Professional slayer of creeps

6:04 PM [SpringKing] duh

6:05 PM [Nomura] How many creeps have the two of you slain?

6:05 PM [Eli] Fifteen.

6:05 PM [Tobias.D] wow really?

6:06 PM [SpringKing] We know what we're about son

6:06 PM [GnomeHunter] jfc toby close your window

6:06 PM [Tobias.D] my bad

6:06 PM [dicc] @KannibalKilla Please explain the concept of a bro to Gunmar. He won't stop asking me.

6:07 PM [DarkPrince] This is not something you can simply explain.

6:07 PM [KannibalKilla] He's right. It's a hard concept to put into words but you know when you have a bro

6:07 PM [DarkPrince] Like pornography or a perfect turd. You can't describe it but you will know it when you see it.

6:08 PM [Blinky] what

6:08 PM [SpringKing] lol you been playing GTA?

6:08 PM [DarkPrince] Yes.

6:08 PM [KannibalKilla] bro what

6:09 PM [Underl0rd] That makes no sense.

6:09 PM [dicc] Don't try and understand it.

6:09 PM [Basement_dweller] has sent a file: why.png

6:09 PM [KannibalKilla] oh shit I was lookin for those

6:10 PM [Tobias.D] that's a lot of empties guys

6:10 PM [GnomeHunter] come clean these up like now

6:10 PM [L4dybug] has sent a file: gravesand.mp4

6:10 PM [Tobias.D] I thought we got them all who is that??

6:11 PM [Eli] That's the janitor

6:11 PM [SpringKing] Is he still on grave sand?

6:11 PM [L4dybug] He just rage-bought season four of franklin bc kisscartoon doesn't have it and I think he traumatized the cashier

6:11 PM [GnomeHunter] lol let's go find him before he hurts himself

6:11 PM [Tobias.D] We're coming for you, franklin guy

6:11 PM [W.Strickler] I believe his first name is actually Franklin.

6:12 PM [SpringKing] we're coming for you next

6:12 PM [Nomura] tf is franklin

6:13 PM [Eli] it's a cartoon for kids

6:13 PM [DarkPrince] Atreyu watches it every day and it's infuriating.

6:13 PM [KannibalKilla] don't talk shit about franklin

6:13 PM [Tobias.D] yeah dude he can count by two's and tie his shoes

6:13 PM [KannibalKilla] boy if you don't think that's the tightest shit

6:14 PM [Dr.L] Really guys?

6:14 PM [DarkPrince] Absolutely.

6:14 PM [KannibalKilla] let's go find the franklin guy

6:15 PM [Blinky] Please be careful.

6:15 PM [L4dybug] He's running guys I'm gonna follow him. We're outside walmart.

6:15 PM [GnomeHunter] omw

6:15 PM [Tobias.D] why season four though it's all creepy cgi

6:15 PM [Dr.L] Please be careful.

6:16 PM [MarshMall0w] I'm keeping an eye on them.

6:16 PM [MarshMall0w] has sent a file: thebackup.png

6:16 PM [SpringKing] IS THAT A SNIPER RIFLE DUDE WHAT

6:16 PM [Dr.L] And we still can't see you. Get that rifle away from my son and his friends!

6:16 PM [MarshMall0w] Fine jeeze

6:16 PM [Eli] How do you even hold that thing??

6:16 PM [dicc] I've been asked the same question many times.

6:17 PM [Blinky] These are children, Dictatious.

6:17 PM [Underl0rd] What manner of weapon is that?

6:17 PM [Eli] The loud and scary kind.

6:17 PM [Underl0rd] I see.

6:18 PM [dicc] I'm sure the goblins could find one for you.

6:18 PM [Nomura] No guns. This is supposed to be a fair fight.

6:18 PM [SpringKing] anyone wanna video chat i'm bored af

6:18 PM [Eli] I'm game

6:19 PM [GnomeHunter] @MarshMall0w you're a goblin????

6:19 PM [SpringKing] he's busy Fragwa has his phone rn in case bae calls

6:19 PM [GnomeHunter] how do you guys know this do you hang out with him??

6:19 PM [Eli] I thought you were chasing the franklin guy

6:19 PM [GnomeHunter] he's in a tree next to the dollar store hissing at people

6:19 PM [Tobias.D] dolla tree holla tree

6:20 PM [L4dybug] NE's our negotiator we just sent him in

6:20 PM [KannibalKilla] I did not agree to this.

6:20 PM [DarkPrince] Get videos.

6:20 PM [L4dybug] Always

6:21 PM [Underl0rd] It is amusing to see the trollhunter undertake such trivial tasks. Unfitting for a trollhunter but perfect for a child such as yourself.

6:21 PM [SpringKing] oh shit lake are you gonna take that??

6:21 PM [Marshmall0w] jim's gonna fuck you up gunmar lmao

6:21 PM [Blinky] has sent a file: thejar.png

6:22 PM [Eli] You actually made a swear jar?

6:22 PM [SpringKing] call it the sin bin

6:22 PM [Blinky] I like it. Sin bin it is.

6:22 PM [Eli] You could use paypal it'd be easier than reminding everyone to come over and put a quarter in the sin bin

6:23 PM [SpringKing] the swear bitcoin wallet

6:23 PM [Blinky] What is bitcoin?

6:23 PM [L4dybug] has sent a file: Franklin.png

6:23 PM [Eli] Oh he looks mad

6:23 PM [SpringKing] Where did you get the handcuffs?

6:23 PM [GnomeHunter] Just keep talking gunmar lmao

6:24 PM [GnomeHunter] See this tunnel?

6:25 PM [Underl0rd] Yes, I've seen that tunnel before.

6:25 PM [GnomeHunter] that's what your asshole is gonna look like when we're done with it 

6:25 PM [SpringKing] DAMN lol

6:25 PM [Dr.L] James Lake Junior you better watch it

6:26 PM [KannibalKilla] franklin guy kinda spat in jim's mouth while they were pulling him out of the tree so he's a little twacked rn

6:26 PM [W.Strickler] Franklin must have had that coffee and passed what remained of it in his mouth on to Jim.

6:26 PM [Dr.L] Ew.

6:26 PM [dicc] If anyone's destroying Gunmar's ass it's going to be me.

6:26 PM [GnomeHunter] Wait gunmar are you blushing?

6:27 PM [Underl0rd] Be silent.

6:27 PM [dicc] I don't mean to embarrass you in front of your friends.

6:27 PM [GnomeHunter] We are not friends. I will end you.

6:28 PM [Marshmall0w] Hey gunmar has anyone told you that your horns look like giant eyebrows

6:28 PM [Underl0rd] Laugh while you can, trollhunter. Soon I will posses the staff of avalon and you will meet your doom.

6:29 PM [L4dybug] ... Like as in Merlin's staff?

6:29 PM [SpringKing] you just told everyone your plan dipshit

6:30 PM [Underl0rd] I didn't mean to.

6:30 PM [GnomeHunter] We're gonna get it before you do.

6:30 PM [Tobias.D] Hell yeah we are!

6:30 PM [KannibalKilla] last one there's a penis pump

6:30 PM [GnomeHunter] what

6:31 PM [W.Strickler] Don't treat this like a game!

6:31 PM [Underl0rd] We're leaving now. I will not be a penis pump.

6:32 PM [Nomura] All of you are fucking ridiculous.

6:32 PM [dicc] Would somebody explain what that means? I'm afraid to Google it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Merlin.


	31. Crouching wizard, hidden jackass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin trolls Toby with a fart joke and Steve exposes poor Gunmar to furries.

10/29/16

3:09 AM [Underl0rd] It would appear that you, trollhunter, are the penis pump. I have the staff.

3:09 AM [Tobias.D] Yeah but we got merlin, suck it

3:11 AM [Nomura] I can't stop laughing every time gunmar says penis pump

3:11 AM [Blinky] Were you not preparing to kill each other, it would be amusing.

3:12 AM [dicc] has sent a file: pump.wav

3:12 AM [dicc] It's funnier when you can hear it.

3:13 AM [KannibalKilla] You sound like a dumbass

3:13 AM [SpringKing] give him a phone dude I bet his roast game is nuts

3:14 AM [Tobias.D] Idk he's kind of a tool

3:14 AM [L4dybug] He really is.

3:14 AM [Underl0rd] Roast game?

3:15 AM [Blinky] He's good at being an asshole.

3:15 AM [SpringKing] hey go put a quarter in the sin bin

3:15 AM [dicc] Such vulgarity, Blinkous. I thought you were above such language.

3:15 AM [GnomeHunter] I don't think it's a good idea yet.

3:15 AM [Blinky] I don't think it's a good idea at all.

3:16 AM [Eli] He can't be that bad.

3:16 AM [Tobias.D] He told some kind of cryptic mumbo jumbo and I thought it was supposed to be some words of wisdom or something and it WAS JUST A FART JOKE

3:16 AM [SpringKing] lol

3:16 AM [KannibalKilla] Farts are funny though

3:16 AM [W.Strickler] We've treated Franklin. He is deeply ashamed of his actions and he apologizes for spitting in your mouth, Jim.

3:17 AM [Nomura] In his stupor he told us that he is a furry.

3:17 AM [Tobias.D] LOL

3:17 AM [DarkPrince] has sent a file: arse.wav

3:17 AM [L4dybug] bular did you really just fart on your phone???

3:18 AM [KannibalKilla] No it was me I just didn't wanna use my phone

3:18 AM [W.Strickler] What is wrong with you?

3:18 AM [KannibalKilla] You want a list?

3:18 AM [dicc] has sent a file: fart.wav

3:19 AM [GnomeHunter] Really guys?

3:19 AM [KannibalKilla] farts are funny

3:19 AM [Underl0rd] What is a furry?

3:19 AM [W.Strickler] Oh good lord.

3:19 AM [KannibalKilla] @Marshmall0w read this

3:20 AM [Eli] toby isn't darci a furry

3:20 AM [Tobias.D] idk

3:20 AM [SpringKing] just google 'e621' and you'll understand

3:20 AM [Eli] steve no

3:20 AM [Basement_dweller] Why did I do that?

3:21 AM [Tobias.D] steve i'm pretty sure you just traumatized draal

3:21 AM [SpringKing] my bad

3:21 AM [Marshmall0w] this is hilarious keep doing it

3:21 AM [KannibalKilla] gettin' screenshots

3:21 AM [Nomura] same

3:22 AM [Basement_dweller] The internet is horrible

3:22 AM [SpringKing] you've seen nothing

3:22 AM [Blinky] Let's not.

3:22 AM [Tobias.D] hey guys

3:23 AM [Tobias.D] has added [RRR]

3:23 AM [GnomeHunter] That's aaarrrgh?

3:23 AM [Tobias.D] forgot siri was a thing

3:23 AM [RRR] Hello.

3:23 AM [Eli] Welcome to hell, Aaarrrgh.

3:23 AM [DarkPrince] Did you fart on my phone? @KannibalKilla

3:24 AM [RRR] Ha.

3:24 AM [KannibalKilla] I did.

3:24 AM [dicc] It was important.

3:24 AM [SpringKing] Science.

3:24 AM [dicc] Steve, you've scarred Gunmar.

3:25 AM [SpringKing] LOL

3:25 AM [Underl0rd] Cheese grater.

3:26 AM [Tobias.D] STEVE YOU DIDNT

3:26 AM [GnomeHunter] That's like psychological warfare and I'm not down with that

3:26 AM [W.Strickler] I'm tempted to look.

3:26 AM [Nomura] Do it.

3:26 AM [Eli] Steve you're an asshole.

3:27 AM [SpringKing] You are what you eat.

3:27 AM [L4dybug] gross you guys

3:27 AM [dicc] I'm stealing that.

3:27 AM [Tobias.D] whose ass have you been eating lmao

3:27 AM [Marshmall0w] You can smell whose ass on his breath

3:28 AM [SpringKing] Marsh I will stuff my foot so far up your butt

3:28 AM [Marshmall0w] don't threaten me with a good time

3:28 AM [W.Strickler] You're sixteen years old you shouldn't be eating anyone's ass.

3:28 AM [KannibalKilla] Yeah do we need to call somebody?

3:29 AM [Eli] All of you stop

3:29 AM [Tobias.D] I ship it.

3:29 AM [dicc] Is that what humans call it?

3:30 AM [KannibalKilla] aight take this shit to blockparty

3:30 AM [GnomeHunter] Merlin just gave me this really huge pair of pants and said they would save my life someday

3:30 AM [W.Strickler] Is it possible that Merlin might be senile?

3:30 AM [GnomeHunter] idk but he's like thousands of years old or something

3:31 AM [KannibalKilla] if he fucks with you give him the cheese grater

3:31 AM [SpringKing] lol

3:31 AM [Underl0rd] It matters not. The old man will die with the rest of human kind.

3:31 AM [L4dybug] you know that if you block the sun out the planet will freeze and kill you too

3:31 AM [Underl0rd] Nonsense.

3:31 AM [Nomura] She's right. This is basic knowledge for humans, Gunmar.

3:31 AM [SpringKing] Yeah I think I learned that when I was like seven

3:31 AM [GnomeHunter] so I guess what claire's asking is

3:32 AM [GnomeHunter] are you smarter than a fifth grader

3:32 AM [L4dybug] lol

3:32 AM [L4dybug] Night guys.

3:32 AM [GnomeHunter] night

3:32 AM [Dr.L] Jim who is this weird old man in my kitchen?

3:32 AM [GnomeHunter] It's Merlin.

3:33 AM [Dr.L] Okay.


	32. Halloween part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has fun rolling houses and Dictatious starts a revolution.

10/31/16

 

 

3:27 PM [Marshmall0w] happy halloween my dudes

3:27 PM [KannibalKilla] claire you wanna take me trick or treating

3:27 PM [Tobias.D] why don't you just go 

3:27 PM [KannibalKilla] I can't go door to door lookin like a troll 

3:27 PM [SpringKing] It's halloween dingus

3:28 PM [SpringKing] has sent a file: boxcar.png

3:28 PM [Tobias.D] nice costume

3:28 PM [Eli] It's not a costume he's at hobo practice

3:28 PM [Nomura] Hobo practice.

3:29 PM [L4dybug] I thought you and bular were gonna take atreyu

3:29 PM [KannibalKilla] The very last thing this kid needs is sugar. I'm on the way.

3:29 PM [DarkPrince] Atreyu and I are staying home. 

3:29 PM [GnomeHunter] so here's merlin I guess

3:30 PM [SpringKing] What

3:30 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [buttwizard]

3:30 PM [SpringKing] lol

3:30 PM [Blinky] The name fits.

3:30 PM [Underl0rd] Indeed.

3:30 PM [Nomura] Oh joy.

3:31 PM [KannibalKilla] come on jim boot that racist turd

3:31 PM [Tobias.D] I'll handle him.

3:31 PM [Tobias.D] I have been saving my crunchiest memes for this.

3:31 PM [Underl0rd] What makes these memes crunchy?

3:31 PM [dicc] I thought they were deep fried memes.

3:32 PM [Tobias.D] I can't teach classification of memes to you guys without going back like ten years to explain the nuances

3:32 PM [Eli] You could teach a college course on memes

3:32 PM [Blinky] That would be a four year program, at least.

3:32 PM [Tobias.D] I know what I wanna do when I grow up

3:32 PM [L4dybug] has sent a file: static.png

3:33 PM [SpringKing] what's with that costume lake??

3:33 PM [Blinky] He lost a bet.

3:33 PM [GnomeHunter] It wasn't fair at all and I got pressured into it okay

3:33 PM [dicc] What on earth is on your head?

3:33 PM [Eli] Are you supposed to be shrek 

3:34 PM [SpringKing] What was the bet?

3:34 PM [Tobias.D] He thought he could stuff fifteen twinkies in his mouth without throwing up. Obviously he was wrong and my record is unbroken.

3:34 PM [GnomeHunter] I got twelve of them in there before I threw up on strickler's shoe

3:34 PM [dicc] Lightweights, both of you.

3:34 PM [Marshmall0w] That's not fair, you have how many centuries of experience stuffing your throat with vaguely phallic shaped objects?

3:34 PM [dicc] I stopped counting.

3:35 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah I lost the bet so I have to be shrek

3:35 PM [Tobias.D] I was gonna get the spongebob one be grateful

3:35 PM [L4dybug] you forgot your ears 

3:35 PM [GnomeHunter] toby I swear I will find the halloween pictures from sixth grade

3:36 PM [Tobias.D] do it pussy

3:36 PM [Blinky] Language.

3:36 PM [Eli] Aren't you and aaarrrgh going too?

3:36 PM [Blinky] has sent a file: silent.png

3:36 PM [SpringKing] YOU GUYS ARE JAY AND SILENT BOB WHAT

3:37 PM [Nomura] Why?

3:37 PM [GnomeHunter] guys that's awesome

3:37 PM [GnomeHunter] What about you Eli?

3:37 PM [Eli] I was gonna be el chapo

3:37 PM [L4dybug] guys I'm not going out tonight and jim you gotta come over like quick

3:37 PM [Blinky] Something wrong?

3:37 PM [GnomeHunter] who I gotta kill?

3:38 PM [L4dybug] my mom just caught NE checking his butt out in the bathroom mirror

3:38 PM [Tobias.D] Oh crap

3:38 PM [GnomeHunter] omw

3:39 PM [DarkPrince] @KannibalKilla I told you it looks fine

3:39 PM [SpringKing] Only true bros can compliment each other's butts without making it weird

3:39 PM [Buttwizard] Why are we wearing childish costumes?

3:39 PM [Tobias.D] it's halloween dude

3:39 PM [Nomura] As per the rules, Merlin, you must draw a penis and send a picture.

3:40 PM [Marshmall0w] me and fragwa are gonna roll some houses who's in?

3:40 PM [SpringKing] So down

3:40 PM [Buttwizard] has sent a file: fine.png

3:40 PM [Basement_dweller] 3/10

3:41 PM [Eli] Yeah it looks really lumpy

3:41 PM [dicc] Looks like an ogre's elbow.

3:41 PM [dicc] I'll gladly assist you with your childish vandalism. @SpringKing @Marshmall0w

3:41 PM [Eli] Whose place are we hitting first?

3:42 PM [Marshmall0w] probably gonna take city hall

3:42 PM [Blinky] Aaarrrgh and I will join you.

3:42 PM [Tobias.D] hell yeah, I got like 500 eggs ready too

3:42 PM [GnomeHunter] you guys go without us ms nunez is really pissed rn so we'll be a while

3:42 PM [dicc] Who else is rolling houses with us?

3:42 PM [Basement_dweller] I've got at least two hundred rolls here

3:43 PM [Eli] Lightweight we have like a thousand in my mom's car

3:43 PM [SpringKing] guys forget houses let's roll Arcadia

3:43 PM [Underl0rd] I will accompany Dictatious, of course.

3:43 PM [SpringKing] Gunmar you have like a whole army right??

3:43 PM [Underl0rd] Yes.

3:43 PM [SpringKing] dude let's call a truce or some shit for halloween and TP the entire city

3:43 PM [W.Strickler] If you think that will work I have no hope for your education

3:44 PM [Underl0rd] A truce then. For tonight.

3:44 PM [Nomura] Suck it strickler

3:44 PM [Blinky] That's a terrible idea.

3:44 PM [Dr.L] Glad to know somebody else thinks so.

3:44 PM [Underl0rd] Only because I want to know what you mean by rolling houses.

3:44 PM [Nomura] Tonight the gumm gumm army marches on Arcadia.

3:45 PM [dicc] Mass vandalism certainly brings back memories.

3:45 PM [Underl0rd] My army will not march. Until we take the surface, they will remain below ground.

3:45 PM [Tobias.D] I've just come into possession of a large bag of gnome turds who wants to burn it

3:45 PM [Marshmall0w] You're welcome.

3:45 PM [SpringKing] Man halloween is gonna be lit this year

3:46 PM [Eli] So we should go out in two groups to cover more ground.

3:46 PM [SpringKing] Me, Eli and marshmall0w will take the left side of first street.

3:46 PM [Blinky] Tobias, Aaarrrgh and I will take the right.

3:46 PM [Nomura] You're kidding, right?

3:47 PM [RRR] Not kidding.

3:47 PM [Buttwizard] How childish. You should be preparing for the battle to come, trollhunters.

3:47 PM [SpringKing] Creepslayerz.

3:47 PM [Eli] We need a theme song.

3:47 PM [Basement_dweller] carry on wayward son

3:48 PM [Eli] NO

3:48 PM [Buttwizard] Whatever you call yourselves, you aren't prepared for what lies ahead.

3:48 PM [Marshmall0w] They are totally prepared. Have you seen their gear?

3:48 PM [SpringKing] We killed a werewolf last week, butt wizard. Suck it.

3:49 PM [Tobias.D] bullshit

3:49 PM [Eli] I kicked him in the junk and Steve got him with the chainsaw.

3:49 PM [SpringKing] has sent a file: sitboy.png

3:50 PM [Blinky] You kept its head?

3:50 PM [Tobias.D] dude that is nuts

3:50 PM [Nomura] Put a blunt in his mouth.

3:51 PM [W.Strickler] Give him aviators.

3:51 PM [SpringKing] We know what we're about.

3:51 PM [Eli] Creepslayerz.

3:52 PM [Buttwizard] An impressive feat for a child.

3:52 PM [Tobias.D] Yeah holy shit guys

3:52 PM [GnomeHunter] So ms nunez actually likes NE

3:52 PM [dicc] Really?

3:52 PM [GnomeHunter] they started talking politics and I guess they're okay. We kinda lied a bunch but it's cool now I guess.

3:52 PM [dicc] I'm genuinely surprised.

3:53 PM [Blinky] As am I.

3:53 PM [Tobias.D] you guys gonna come with us after all?

3:53 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah

3:53 PM [Eli] We might have to rebalance our teams.

3:54 PM [GnomeHunter] me claire and NE can take first street

3:54 PM [dicc] I suppose Gunmar and I will take Silver and 5th near the canyon. 

3:54 PM [Tobias.D] Yeah you guys roll those rich houses up

3:55 PM [Blinky] Then burn them down.

3:55 PM [Tobias.D] what no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story's about to go fuckin sideways y'all


	33. Halloween part 2: The crispening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobias struggles to bring a drunken Dictatious home and Merlin is roasted by a child. The game is changing.

10/31/16

11:19 PM [Marshmall0w] I'm in position above city hall, cut the power

11:19 PM [KannibalKilla] Roll em

11:20 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: tp.png

11:20 PM [GnomeHunter] good luck cleaning that up before christmas

11:20 PM [Rotten] This is a strange tradition.

11:20 PM [Dr.L] You're going to help clean that up.

11:20 PM [Rotten] Stranger yet, Gunmar appears to be enjoying himself.

11:21 PM [Tobias.D] we've gotta have like half the city covered by now lol

11:21 PM [W.Strickler] has sent a file: why.png

11:21 PM [W.Strickler] Which one of you drew this on my car.

11:21 PM [KannibalKilla] I dunno

11:21 PM [GnomeHunter] A good likeness though. 

11:22 PM [dicc] I like it.

11:22 PM [Underl0rd] I would like a word with you, trollhunter.

11:23 PM [Basement_dweller] Why?

11:23 PM [Underl0rd] I wasn't speaking to you.

11:23 PM [KannibalKilla] Why?

11:23 PM [Tobias.D] he's busy ok

11:23 PM [Underl0rd] Before I have to bring Dictatious home. I must find him first.

11:24 PM [dicc] You can't stop me. The revolution is here!

11:24 PM [Blinky] Have you been drinking?

11:24 PM [dicc] Yes.

11:25 PM [KannibalKilla] What's this about the revolution?

11:25 PM [Blinky] Take him to trollmarket before he hurts himself.

11:25 PM [dicc] I'm not hurting myself.

11:25 PM [Blinky] Yet. Do you remember the oil pit?

11:26 PM [dicc] That was bad.

11:26 PM [GnomeHunter] Just read that, what do you want?

11:26 PM [Underl0rd] Not here. We will speak face to face.

11:27 PM [dicc] face? oh sorry I thought that was your butt

11:27 PM [KannibalKilla] @marshmall0w

11:28 PM [Underl0rd] Where did you go, Dictatious?

11:28 PM [Tobias.D] Just found him

11:28 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: tanked.png

11:29 PM [W.Strickler] Rather than stop him from vandalizing that police car, you take a selfie with him?

11:29 PM [Tobias.D] I don't think I could stop him or the revolution

11:29 PM [KannibalKilla] fight the man, man

11:29 PM [Buttwizard] What will urinating on that vehicle accomplish?

11:29 PM [dicc] shut up

11:30 PM [GnomeHunter] Where are we meeting?

11:30 PM [Underl0rd] Outside of trollmarket.

11:30 PM [Tobias.D] I'll bring dick over there

11:30 PM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: bird.png

11:31 PM [Dr.L] That's gross. Leave it alone.

11:31 PM [Buttwizard] I will accompany you while you speak with Gunmar, trollhunter.

11:31 PM [dicc] No you will not.

11:31 PM [Buttwizard] Is that so?

11:32 PM [dicc] Yes. This is confidential and you smell like old people. And farts.

11:32 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm on my way.

11:32 PM [Tobias.D] Yeah we're leaving too. If Dictatious decides to move his ass.

11:33 PM [Marshmall0w] I'm waiting for you guys here.

11:33 PM [GnomeHunter] In person??

11:33 PM [Marshmall0w] Yep.

11:33 PM [SpringKing] has sent a file: whoa.png

11:33 PM [L4dybug] That's adorable guys

11:33 PM [W.Strickler] I wasn't aware that the two of you were dating.

11:33 PM [Eli] Are you new here?

11:33 PM [DarkPrince] has added [MurderBreath]

11:34 PM [KannibalKilla] OH yeah

11:34 PM [KannibalKilla] Teaching Atreyu to read, figured this might help

11:35 PM [Nomura] Why would expose your child to this nonsense?

11:35 PM [KannibalKilla] We aren't always around either what if he needs to talk to one of us

11:35 PM [MurderBreath] This is weird. You can all talk to each other here?

11:35 PM [DarkPrince] Yes.

11:36 PM [KannibalKilla] Plus his roast game is fuckin sick

11:36 PM [Dr.L] Hello Atreyu.

11:36 PM [MurderBreath] Hi barbara

11:36 PM [MurderBreath] check out this dead raccoon I found

11:37 PM [MurderBreath] has sent a file: raken.png

11:38 PM [SpringKing] Oh sick dude his guts are out too

11:38 PM [DarkPrince] That was his doing.

11:39 PM [Dr.L] That's nice.

11:39 PM [KannibalKilla] But the dead bird was gross?

11:40 PM [Buttwizard] How on earth did you convince a female to carry your child?

11:40 PM [DarkPrince] Draal found him.

11:40 PM [KannibalKilla] The fuck you mean by that?

11:41 PM [Buttwizard] It was a question. What female in her right mind would have agreed to this?

11:41 PM [MurderBreath] fuck off with that pointy ass nose boy

11:41 PM [KannibalKilla] Language.

11:42 PM [MurderBreath] you should get that giant nose sanded down or circumcised or something before you put somebody's eye out

11:42 PM [Nomura] Did you just say language

11:42 PM [Basement_dweller] I shouldn't laugh at that.

11:43 PM [L4dybug] omg you guys

11:43 PM [Buttwizard] That was weak. Let's discuss that peach fuzz you call a mane, boy.

11:43 PM [MurderBreath] lookin like dollar store gandalf boy you get that armor in a 3 pack at walmart?

11:44 PM [SpringKing] damn lmao

11:44 PM [Eli] Merlin did your dad cut your hair cause he couldn't even get his son straight, let alone his hairline

11:44 PM [Nomura] Roast Strickler next.

11:45 PM [KannibalKilla] unexpected fire from pepperjack lol

11:45 PM [Eli] I've been practicing.

11:46 PM [W.Strickler] Good to see you've been teaching him manners.

11:46 PM [DarkPrince] Watch your tongue, wizard. You will not speak to my bro like that.

11:46 PM [KannibalKilla] Unless you're looking to get jumped

11:46 PM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: dude.png

11:47 PM [SpringKing] is that a deagle

11:47 PM [Blinky] Surely that weighs more than you do. Can you use it?

11:48 PM [KannibalKilla] Sorta.

11:48 PM [Dr.L] I'm more interested in what appears to be cocaine on your coffee table??

11:48 PM [Marshmall0w] That's mine. Gonna have to get into battle mode once the gumm gumms march.

11:49 PM [Dr.L] You expect me to trust you with my son's safety?

11:49 PM [KannibalKilla] Yeah me and bular stay away from that stuff after artie's birthday last month. Fuck that.

11:49 PM [Eli] I saw the pictures and it was nuts

11:49 PM [Nomura] I saw them as well. How low Bular the Vicious has fallen, from slaying trollhunters to railing cocaine out of some stranger's buttcrack.

11:49 PM [KannibalKilla] Gotta set an example for Atreyu and all so coke's out of the question.

11:49 PM [Eli] I didn't see that one

11:49 PM [W.Strickler] I want to see it.

11:49 PM [Marshmall0w] It's the only way I'll stand a chance in a one on one fight with any troll. Specially a gumm gumm, those dudes are gnarly.

11:50 PM [KannibalKilla] Speakin of gumm gumms, you got eyes on jim and gunmar?

11:50 PM [Marshmall0w] I haven't let them out of my sight. We moved away from trollmarket though, so buttwizard won't follow.

11:51 PM [Buttwizard] Keeping secrets?

11:51 PM [dicc] It's a personal matter and if you have any scrap of decency you'll keep that giant nose out of it.

11:51 PM [Nomura] Get that nose circumcised. I can't stop laughing at that.

11:51 PM [Buttwizard] Very well.

11:51 PM [Tobias.D] Hey so Dick won't cooperate and we're on our way to your house Dr L

11:51 PM [Blinky] What do you mean he won't cooperate?

11:52 PM [L4dybug] has sent a file: nope.png

11:52 PM [Blinky] I see.

11:52 PM [SpringKing] LOL

11:53 PM [dicc] blinkous come visit me it's been ages :::c

11:53 PM [Tobias.D] give us like 10 minutes

11:54 PM [Blinky] I saw you last week.

11:54 PM [L4dybug] has sent a file: damn.avi

11:54 PM [SpringKing] is that hank

11:55 PM [Blinky] The fabled tight jeans hank?

11:55 PM [Eli] tf dude is he twerking

11:55 PM [GnomeHunter] jeeze look at him go

11:55 PM [Dr.L] Are you okay, Jim?

11:56 PM [GnomeHunter] Totally fine. Do you want onion soup later?

11:56 PM [Dr.L] Sure.

11:56 PM [Buttwizard] What is wrong with that young man and why are his pants so small?

11:56 PM [Blinky] Surely he wouldn't be called tight jeans Hank without tight jeans.

11:57 PM [MurderBreath] It's called twerking and it's an art

11:57 PM [KannibalKilla] Hank has mastered his ass

11:57 PM [L4dybug] The very last thing I expected to see walking home. 

11:57 PM [Nomura] Gynt, can you twerk?

11:58 PM [GnomeHunter] NO

11:58 PM [Buttwizard] How incredibly idiotic.

11:58 PM [Basement_dweller] Humans have very strange customs.

11:59 PM [DarkPrince] Such as this no shave november Tobias spoke of.

11:59 PM [Blinky] He told me it was no nut November and refused to explain what he meant.

11/01/16

12:00 AM [Tobias.D] lol

12:00 AM [KannibalKilla] I should grow a beard.

12:01 AM [DarkPrince] Do it.

12:01 AM [KannibalKilla] Only if you do.

12:01 AM [Nomura] Strickler, grow a beard.

12:01 AM [DarkPrince] He can't.

12:01 AM [W.Strickler] It's unprofessional.

12:02 AM [DarkPrince] It looks like you stuck pubes on your face.

12:02 AM [Nomura] Ha!

12:02 AM [SpringKing] do trolls grow beards?

12:03 AM [Tobias.D] Vendel has a beard

12:03 AM [SpringKing] oh yeah

12:04 AM [GnomeHunter] you should grow a beard Blinky

12:04 AM [Blinky] Absolutely not.

12:04 AM [Basement_dweller] @Tobias.D why did you leave this drunken idiot with me?

12:05 AM [Tobias.D] no tag backs

12:05 AM [Buttwizard] I'd like a word with you, trollhunter.


	34. Among liars part 2: the pale bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the tables are turned and shit.

10/31/16

11:55 PM [GnomeHunter] has added [Dr.L]

11:55 PM [KannibalKilla] welcome to the liars club

11:55 PM [Dr.L] Okay, onion soup. What's wrong?

11:55 PM [KannibalKilla] What's onion soup?

11:55 PM [Dr.L] I hate onion soup. That's why I knew something was wrong.

11:55 PM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar wants a truce.

11:55 PM [Blinky] He said that to you?

11:55 PM [GnomeHunter] Now he knows that blocking the sun out will kill him too and he wants to stop it but he can't take Merlin alone.

11:55 PM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar isn't our enemy as of right now.

11:56 PM [KannibalKilla] I get it, he wants to stop merlin from letting the pale bitch out

11:56 PM [GnomeHunter] I agree with him. The pale bitch is the bigger threat here and Merlin wants to let her out. He's putting everyone on earth at risk to get his magic back.

11:56 PM [Tobias.D] Hold on are we teaming up with gunmar

11:56 PM [Blinky] It appears so. I don't like it. He's defiled our home and killed many of our people.

11:57 PM [Dr.L] He tried to kill you how many times, and you want a truce?

11:57 PM [GnomeHunter] Draal and Bular both tried to kill me and we're cool now

11:57 PM [KannibalKilla] So do we just lie to merlin? 

11:57 PM [Tobias.D] Play along until he's not expecting it and donkey punch him into oblivion

11:58 PM [GnomeHunter] Basically yeah.

11:58 PM [L4dybug] I dunno if I like this but not freezing to death sounds nice.

11:58 PM [Basement_dweller] Gunmar and Dictatious know of this plan?

11:58 PM [GnomeHunter] Yeah. Dictatious ordered some troll to hide the staff and kill himself so he couldn't tell merlin where it was.

11:59 PM [Tobias.D] whoa

11:59 PM [Blinky] Savage, but effective nonetheless.

11/01/16

12:00 AM [KannibalKilla] So when it happens do we all just mob him at once?

12:01 AM [Basement_dweller] I like that idea.

12:01 AM [Marshmall0w] We'll have to modify the handjob to affect Merlin rather than Gunmar.

12:01 AM [KannibalKilla] I forgot we were calling it that

12:01 AM [GnomeHunter] So what happens after you give Merlin a handjob?

12:02 AM [Nomura] A cigarette.

12:02 AM [KannibalKilla] Like we said before it's only a distraction. I don't wanna ruin the surprise but we might get sued by viacom

12:03 AM [Dr.L] Okay?

12:03 AM [L4dybug] does this mean we're adding Gunmar to the liars club?

12:03 AM [Blinky] I'm afraid not. He cannot lie, I suppose we'll have to plan quickly before Merlin suspects anything.

12:03 AM [W.Strickler] This is insane. Even together could all of us stand against Merlin?

12:04 AM [Nomura] I hope so.

12:04 AM [Tobias.D] I never figured we would team up with gunmar

12:05 AM [GnomeHunter] Merlin wants to talk with me bbl

12:05 AM [Dr.L] I don't like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might change the fic's rating to M soon because language.


	35. Troll pubes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve asking the real questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place roughly two days after Merlin'a bitch ass trolls Jim.

11/2/16

4:12 AM [KannibalKilla] real troll hours who up

4:12 AM [Blinky] I'm here.

4:12 AM [Buttwizard] I am here.

4:13 AM [GnomeHunter] Nobody asked you, shitbrick.

4:13 AM [Blinky] I'd ask you to mind your language, but let him have it. Fuck it, as Tobias would say.

4:13 AM [GnomeHunter] Typing with these giant fuckin hands is ridiculous idk how bular and draal do it

4:13 AM [Basement_dweller] Very carefully.

4:13 AM [Blinky] Any luck removing the armor?

4:13 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah, actually. None of my clothes fit so I'm hiding in my room you guys wanna try and find me some clothes??

4:13 AM [KannibalKilla] piss off merlin

4:14 AM [dicc] Practice with a hotdog first.

4:14 AM [GnomeHunter] I wanna be pissed right now but that was funny

4:14 AM [dicc] Glad I could be of service.

4:14 AM [KannibalKilla] You should change your name mate

4:14 AM [DarkPrince] The wizard gave you a pair of pants.

4:15 AM [KannibalKilla] motherfucker this was your plan the whole time

4:15 AM [Basement_dweller] When we're done with Gunmar we're coming for you, wizard.

4:16 AM [GnomeHunter] I will personally break every bone in your body in alphabetical order.

4:16 AM [KannibalKilla] jeeze lmao

4:16 AM [Nomura] Calm yourself, gynt. Save it for training.

4:16 AM [dicc] Take it out on Stricklander.

4:16 AM [GnomeHunter] mom's got dibs on strickler

4:17 AM [Eli] casually discussing murder this morning

4:17 AM [Nomura] Always.

4:18 AM [GnomeHunter] The pants fit.

4:18 AM [KannibalKilla] Good come downstairs I got pizza

4:18 AM [GnomeHunter] I can't eat pizza

4:18 AM [Basement_dweller] We stole some stop signs and cut them up.

4:19 AM [GnomeHunter] tbh that sounds good i'm coming down

4:20 AM [MurderBreath] alright merlin let's me and you throw hands right now

4:20 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm takin' a walk save me some

4:20 AM [KannibalKilla] Atreyu you better chill out

4:20 AM [MurderBreath] He's good as dead ok

4:20 AM [dicc] Hurry, 4:20 is almost over.

4:20 AM [DarkPrince] Atreyu, this is why we don't give you candy.

4:21 AM [Marshmall0w] he was ready to throw hands with Gunmar yesterday

4:21 AM [Blinky] Throwing hands. I like that.

4:21 AM [KannibalKilla] we throw packs, not hands

4:22 AM [Basement_dweller] Still counts as murder.

4:22 AM [SpringKing] okay lake I have a serious question for you cause marsh won't answer

4:23 AM [Eli] lol

4:23 AM [GnomeHunter] okay

4:23 AM [SpringKing] so you're a troll now right

4:23 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah

4:24 AM [SpringKing] do trolls grow pubes

4:24 AM [GnomeHunter] go back to bed steve

4:24 AM [SpringKing] Can't, playing arma

4:24 AM [KannibalKilla] why would you do that to yourself?

4:25 AM [Nomura] Why would you ask about troll pubes?

4:25 AM [SpringKing] idk

4:25 AM [Basement_dweller] Not all of us.

4:26 AM [dicc] It isn't common.

4:26 AM [SpringKing] You seen that many dicks, Dick?

4:26 AM [dicc] Trolls don't often wear clothes, you know this.

4:26 AM [SpringKing] yeah but i'm not looking at their junk

4:27 AM [dicc] Fair.

4:27 AM [Eli] Steve get back in here you're substituting for Matt

4:27 AM [SpringKing] I can't fly a plane dude and he leads our entire flight crew

4:28 AM [Marshmall0w] This game is some serious shit. You should hear these two on their headsets.

4:28 AM [Marshmall0w] ECHO VIPER 1, COBRA 2 AWAY

4:28 AM [GnomeHunter] lol

4:28 AM [KannibalKilla] I'd play arma if your character didn't move like a fuckin fridge

4:29 AM [Blinky] Git gud.

4:29 AM [Nomura] I don't understand any of these new video games.

4:30 AM [Blinky] I'm starting to appreciate them. I enjoy mario kart.

4:30 AM [Nomura] I get mario kart, but all these military games and horror games.

4:30 AM [KannibalKilla] We can teach you the ways of ninja gaiden

4:31 AM [Eli] I melted my ps3 with thermite over that game

4:31 AM [W.Strickler] Does minesweeper count?

4:31 AM [Eli] Sorta.

4:31 AM [MurderBreath] jeeze you're old

4:32 AM [GnomeHunter] lmao

4:32 AM [SpringKing] Hey do you think you could still eat mcdonald's cause it's not really fit for human consumption

4:33 AM [GnomeHunter] @Tobias.D if you see this when you get up, I will give you my red eyes black metal dragon if you bring me a big mac

4:33 AM [Buttwizard] A dragon? It would have been nice to know you have a dragon on hand.

4:33 AM [Eli] He's got a few

4:33 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah, red eyes black dragon, blue eyes white dragon, toon blue eyes

4:33 AM [KannibalKilla] don't tell me you still play that game

4:33 AM [GnomeHunter] has sent a file: behold.png

4:34 AM [KannibalKilla] I got dark magician girl but only cause she got nice tiddy. I don't play.

4:34 AM [Underl0rd] What are those?

4:34 AM [Nomura] Are we teaching Gunmar yugioh?

4:34 AM [SpringKing] I'll teach you before you murder us all

4:35 AM [dicc] Jim taught the entire prison how to play Uno.

4:35 AM [Underl0rd] You taught them that stupid game?

4:35 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah.

4:35 AM [dicc] He's mad. He can't win.

4:36 AM [Eli] guys video chat look at this sick kill streak

4:36 AM [GnomeHunter] aight

4:37 AM [Blinky] Impressive. 

4:38 AM [GnomeHunter] I feel bad for those guys lmao this is cyber bullying

4:38 AM [Eli] This wouldn't be a problem if they would leave my base alone. I have enough sniper ammo to stay holed up in this building for weeks.

4:39 AM [SpringKing] We take shifts guarding the hideout. I have two hostages locked in a closet right now lmao

4:39 AM [Nomura] That's too much work.

4:40 AM [KannibalKilla] I wanna play a game not get a job

4:40 AM [SpringKing] Being a hobo is a full time job and it's easy af

4:40 AM [Buttwizard] When do you and Gunmar plan to fight, trollhunter?

4:41 AM [dicc] your mom

4:41 AM [GnomeHunter] We're still working on that. How does new years eve sound, Shitlord?

4:41 AM [Underl0rd] Fine. This will give you time to train and I want to fight this fleshbag at his strongest.

4:42 AM [GnomeHunter] New years eve.

4:42 AM [Buttwizard] Fine. I can wait.

4:42 AM [GnomeHunter] cool because you're gonna wait

4:43 AM [SpringKing] tell him lake

4:43 AM [dicc] Perhaps you and Gunmar could spar sometime.

4:44 AM [MurderBreath] Not before me dude let me mess him up

4:44 AM [Underl0rd] This is acceptable.

4:45 AM [SpringKing] Wait why don't you duel instead

4:45 AM [GnomeHunter] Leave the fate of earth up to a children's card game?

4:45 AM [SpringKing] believe in the heart of the cards, lake

4:45 AM [KannibalKilla] Sorry Merlin we're sending you to the shadow realm

4:45 AM [Tobias.D] lol just read

4:45 AM [Tobias.D] I'll buy you a big mac when they start selling lunch

4:45 AM [Tobias.D] rn I'm coming over cause I can't sleep anymore laughing too hard at troll pubes

4:46 AM [GnomeHunter] Just looked now and I don't have any steve is ur curiosity sated

4:46 AM [SpringKing] Yes.

4:46 AM [KannibalKilla] I do.

4:47 AM [SpringKing] fascinating af

4:47 AM [DarkPrince] He leaves them on my couch.

4:47 AM [GnomeHunter] Gross.

4:47 AM [Basement_dweller] Yes it is.

4:48 AM [Nomura] Blinkous

4:48 AM [dicc] Ha

4:48 AM [Blinky] We aren't having this conversation.

4:49 AM [KannibalKilla] We're already there mate

4:49 AM [Blinky] Fine. I do.

4:49 AM [dicc] I don't :::(

4:50 AM [W.Strickler] What is wrong with you all?

4:50 AM [GnomeHunter] god truly has forsaken this chat

4:50 AM [Rotten] Clearly. Before any of you ask, no.

4:51 AM [MurderBreath] you got stumpy feet though

4:51 AM [Rotten] You've got stumpy everything.

4:51 AM [MurderBreath] You got a pointy face

4:51 AM [DarkPrince] Atreyu.

4:51 AM [dicc] Can you grow a beard, Angor?

4:52 AM [Rotten] Why would I do that?

4:52 AM [GnomeHunter] It's no shave november

4:52 AM [Marshmall0w] We'll all have sick beards before new years eve

4:52 AM [Eli] Which will make this terrifying, world ending battle even cooler.

4:52 AM [Tobias.D] Picture it guys

4:53 AM [Tobias.D] Arcadia in flames, the sun blocked from the sky, Jim staring Gunmar down from a fuckin mountain w/ this majestic beard blowing in the wind

4:53 AM [KannibalKilla] Yeah but imagine it like an anime

4:53 AM [Eli] Only if madhouse animated it

4:53 AM [GnomeHunter] That sounds epic tbh

4:53 AM [KannibalKilla] Where do we find big tiddy anime girls though?

4:54 AM [Eli] walmart

4:54 AM [Basement_dweller] The snack aisle.

4:54 AM [dicc] I was going to suggest the meat section

4:54 AM [KannibalKilla] and some sick heavy metal battle music

4:54 AM [Nomura] Ask Ron.

4:55 AM [KannibalKilla] oh yeah Dio is a changeling btw

4:55 AM [Tobias.D] bullshit

4:55 AM [W.Strickler] It's true.

4:55 AM [GnomeHunter] You guys know Dio?

4:55 AM [KannibalKilla] He's kind of a tool to be honest

4:56 AM [Nomura] Absolutely full of himself. I'm looking for that picture.

4:56 AM [W.Strickler] Don't.

4:57 AM [KannibalKilla] I wanna see.

4:57 AM [Nomura] If I find it I'll scan it and send it 

4:57 AM [W.Strickler] Why must you do this?

4:57 AM [Buttwizard] Why new year's eve?

4:58 AM [Underl0rd] The new year will begin with the destruction of your pitiful race.

4:58 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah that but the opposite cause I'm gonna murder the shit out of you

4:58 AM [Underl0rd] We shall see.


	36. The brophecy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adults discuss brohood and Nomura reveals embarrassing picture of Strickler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating officially changed to M.

11/3/16

11:15 PM [KannibalKilla] What I'm saying is that calling somebody bro isn't the same as calling your bro bro

11:15 PM [dicc] I see.

11:15 PM [KannibalKilla] I can tell someone 'hey bro fuck off' but it's clear that this someone isn't my bro

11:15 PM [Underl0rd] I don't understand.

11:16 PM [KannibalKilla] ofc not

11:16 PM [DarkPrince] Simply calling someone bro doesn't make them bro

11:16 PM [KannibalKilla] So like when me and bular became bros, as was written in the stones eons ago

11:16 PM [DarkPrince] A prophecy.

11:16 PM [KannibalKilla] the word bro meant more, you know?

11:17 PM [Marshmall0w] It's not something you can explain, Gunmar. It must be experienced.

11:17 PM [Blinky] Brohood must be found, you can't force it.

11:18 PM [Underl0rd] Who is your bro, Blinkous?

11:18 PM [RRR] Hello.

11:18 PM [dicc] butt bros

11:19 PM [Blinky] I will dismember you.

11:19 PM [Marshmall0w] I mean he isn't wrong though

11:19 PM [KannibalKilla] rude af

11:20 PM [Nomura] That's a different kinda brohood lmao

11:20 PM [dicc] So who catches?

11:20 PM [Blinky] That's none your business.

11:21 PM [dicc] So it's you.

11:21 PM [KannibalKilla] Lay off, Dick.

11:21PM [Basement_dweller] Do you still have my xbox controller

11:21 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll bring it by tomorrow. Just got a steam controller.

11:22 PM [Marshmall0w] idk how you can use that thing

11:22 PM [dicc] I'm sorry Blinkous.

11:23 PM [Nomura] Wow an apology, that's new.

11:23 PM [Blinky] Are you up to something?

11:23 PM [dicc] No.

11:23 PM [Blinky] Well I appreciate the apology.

11:23 PM [dicc] You're welcome.

11:24 PM [KannibalKilla] do we like each other again?

11:24 PM [Underl0rd] I don't understand that term. Who catches?

11:24 PM [Nomura] oh boy who gets to explain this

11:24 PM [KannibalKilla] lmao

11:25 PM [dicc] It's simple, Gunmar. I fuck you, this makes you catcher.

11:25 PM [Nomura] right into it then nvm

11:25 PM [dicc] Exactly ;;;)

11:25 PM [Underl0rd] I see.

11:25 PM [Marshmall0w] I still can't get over that tbh

11:26 PM [KannibalKilla] Gunmar's a catcher.

11:26 PM [dicc] He's damn good at it too.

11:26 PM [KannibalKilla] do tell

11:26 PM [W.Strickler] do not

11:27 PM [Marshmall0w] takin it like a champ lmao

11:27 PM [Underl0rd] Of course. I don't want to harm Dictatious.

11:27 PM [Nomura] awww

11:27 PM [KannibalKilla] never figured I'd find myself discussing memes and buttsex with fuckin gunmar

11:27 PM [Nomura] That's what I'll call my autobiography. Memes and buttsex (or: how we killed a wizard and saved earth)

11:28 PM [KannibalKilla] I'd buy it just to roll blunts with it

11:28 PM [Nomura] That's acceptable.

11:28 PM [DarkPrince] Memes, butt sex and drugs.

11:28 PM [Dr.L] good lord you guys

11:28 PM [Nomura] I found the picture of you and Dio, Strickler

11:29 PM [KannibalKilla] show us

11:29 PM [Nomura] has sent a file: Dio.png

11:29 PM [Dr.L] Your hair lol

11:29 PM [KannibalKilla] Show everyone else.

11:30 PM [Marshmall0w] those bright red eyes tho

11:30 PM [W.Strickler] It was a different time.

11:30 PM [dicc] Smoke with us, Strickler.

11:30 PM [W.Strickler] Absolutely not.

11:31 PM [Nomura] You'll never convince him to smoke. 

11:31 PM [dicc] has sent a file: blasted.png

11:31 PM [Blinky] Are those guards cleaning?

11:31 PM [Underl0rd] Yes. They've made a mess of trollmarket. 

11:32 PM [dicc] When the wizard has been eliminated we plan to leave.  Your home will be returned to you.

11:32 PM [Underl0rd] Until the new year, when I return and take it once again.

11:32 PM [Blinky] Thank you?

11:33 PM [KannibalKilla] considerate af

11:33 PM [dicc] Don't thank us we're coming back to kill you all.

11:33 PM [KannibalKilla] mate jim's  gonna kick the shit out of you

11:34 PM [Blinky] He'll be infinitely more merciful with you than Merlin.

11:34 PM [KannibalKilla] I know! He says he's like studying weak points in Merlin's armor rn

11:34 PM [Marshmall0w] Merlin's not bullet proof either, we got this shit.

11:35 PM [Basement_dweller] What happens when we kill him?

11:35 PM [DarkPrince] He'll be dead.

11:35 PM [KannibalKilla] no shit lol

11:35 PM [Basement_dweller] what if we trapped him like pale bitch?

11:36 PM [Nomura] Not one of us could hope to wield that level of power, or it would be a wonderful idea.

11:36 PM [KannibalKilla] I love that pale bitch caught on

11:36 PM [Blinky] Tobias has several nastier names for her.

11:36 PM [Dr.L] He really does. I blame @KannibalKilla and @DarkPrince

11:37 PM [DarkPrince] Are you saying we're a bad influence?

11:37 PM [Blinky] Yes.

11:37 PM [Dr.L] Yeah.

11:38 PM [KannibalKilla] Hey we're tryin to behave now

11:38 PM [Nomura] Between the three of you, the word foreskin was used 49 times during breakfast yesterday.

11:38 PM [KannibalKilla] lol

11:39 PM [W.Strickler] Sometimes I worry for your child.

11:39 PM [dicc] The whelp is in good hands, Stricklander.

11:39 PM [KannibalKilla] Soon as the fighting starts, we're gettin him far away as we can. 

11:40 PM [Marshmall0w] He's convinced he'll kill Merlin and Gunmar by himself

11:40 PM [DarkPrince] I watched him gut someone for a bag of nilla wafers.

11:40 PM [KannibalKilla] Yeah he's nuts lol

11:41 PM [KannibalKilla] Still it's not safe for him here.

11:41 PM [Nomura] It's good to see that the three of you really care for him.

11:41 PM [DarkPrince] After the handjob is deployed, we'll leave for Canada.

11:41 PM [Blinky] Why Canada?

11:41 PM [KannibalKilla] Good weed, lots of snow and shit

11:41 PM [Underl0rd] You created this weapon to be used against me, did you not?

11:42 PM [KannibalKilla] It's been modified to keep Merlin busy. Question though, could Arcadia defend itself against a kaiju attack?

11:42 PM [Dr.L] Like godzilla??

11:42 PM [Marshmall0w] This may or may not involve a giant mechanical dinosaur we stole from universal studios

11:43 PM [Nomura] what


	37. stale corn pops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toby and Steve discuss Jim's awesome boobs.

11/7/16

1:49 PM [Tobias.D] look we don't need her life's story to find out why her nipples are hard

1:49 PM [Dr.L] Excuse me what

1:49 PM [KannibalKilla] It's anime stuff

1:50 PM [SpringKing] It wasn't about her nipples it's about her dad disowning her for leaving judo behind for keijo

1:50 PM [Tobias.D] fighting with boobs is infinitely cooler tbh

1:50 PM [SpringKing] I agree.

1:51 PM [SpringKing] Hey @GnomeHunter you should learn butt guillotine it could be useful

1:51 PM [KannibalKilla] fuckin picture that lol

1:51 PM [L4dybug] why are u guys talking about my boyfriend's butt again

1:52 PM [GnomeHunter] tf you mean again???

1:52 PM [SpringKing] lol

1:52 PM [GnomeHunter] only females can play keijo it's the rule

1:53 PM [KannibalKilla] Yeah and your tits aren't nearly as rockin as Nozomi's

1:53 PM [GnomeHunter] idk how to respond to that

1:53 PM [Tobias.D] don't listen to him jimbo you got rockin tits

1:54 PM [GnomeHunter] thanks dude <3

1:54 PM [Dr.L] This is what every wants to hear her son talking about lol

1:54 PM [W.Strickler] Quit talking about boobs and finish your classwork.

1:55 PM [dicc] So how are those beards of yours coming along?

1:55 PM [Tobias.D] idk you tell me

1:55 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: majestic.png

1:56 PM [dicc] I'm impressed. How old are you again?

1:56 PM [SpringKing] dude grow some chops too

1:56 PM [Tobias.D] dude I bet I could keijo with my moobs

1:57 PM [Dr.L] You don't have moobs Toby

1:57 PM [Tobias.D] Dr Lake

1:57 PM [Tobias.D] I have moobs and I have accepted this

1:57 PM [GnomeHunter] ur moobs are pretty rockin bro

1:58 PM [Tobias.D] thanks bro <3

1:58 PM [KannibalKilla] body positivity af

1:58 PM [Blinky] Absolute brohood.

1:59 PM [Eli] I think Toby's tryin to steal your man Claire

1:59 PM [Tobias.D] Yep. Totally.

1:59 PM [KannibalKilla] check this shit

1:59 PM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: beardy.png

1:59 PM [L4dybug] not bad

2:00 PM [Nomura] Strickler show them yours

2:00 PM [W.Strickler] Fine.

2:00 PM [W.Strickler] has sent a file: no shave.png

2:01 PM [GnomeHunter] That's it???

2:01 PM [KannibalKilla] LOL

2:01 PM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: uncanny.png

2:01 PM [Tobias.D] dude gross are those your pubes????

2:01 PM [Nomura] Ha!

2:01 PM [Basement_dweller] A remarkable likeness.

2:01 PM [W.Strickler] Pay attention.

2:02 PM [Nomura] as you're sitting in your office on your phone

2:02 PM [Tobias.D] You ever seen a troll with moobs Blinky? I haven't.

2:02 PM [dicc] troll moobs

2:02 PM [SpringKing] n troll pubes

2:02 PM [Blinky] I've never met a troll with moobs.

2:03 PM [Marshmall0w] hey guys good news, me n bae expecting, finally

2:03 PM [KannibalKilla] Good shit marsh congrats!

2:03 PM [SpringKing] Nice

2:03 PM [KannibalKilla] boy or girl, do you know?

2:04 PM [Marshmall0w] nah just found out this morning

2:04 PM [GnomeHunter] I still have no idea who you are

2:04 PM [KannibalKilla] He's good people

2:05 PM [Buttwizard] Lazing about on your phone again, trollhunter?

2:05 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah I can't go to school what else am I supposed to do??

2:05 PM [Basement_dweller] Merlin keep it down up there

2:05 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah whatever you're doing in the kitchen is loud af

2:06 PM [KannibalKilla] tryin to have a session down here

2:06 PM [Basement_dweller] has sent a file: sesh.png

2:06 PM [Tobias.D] tf are you guys doing 

2:06 PM [KannibalKilla] hungry hungry hippos 

2:07 PM [Nomura] Is this what you do all day Draal? Board games and alcohol?

2:07 PM [Basement_dweller] Only when Merlin's here. I don't wanna look at him.

2:07 PM [MurderBreath] Merlin tf is with that metal thing on your head?

2:07 PM [Eli] I was gonna ask about that

2:07 PM [MurderBreath] bet that's where his head got squished in when he was a baby 

2:08 PM [Dr.L] Not cool.

2:08 PM [DarkPrince] Don't make me take your phone.

2:08 PM [dicc] You're acting like a dad.

2:08 PM [DarkPrince] Shut up.

2:08 PM [Underl0rd] All three of you plan to raise this child, correct?

2:09 PM [KannibalKilla] Yep.

2:09 PM [Basement_dweller] Yes.

2:09 PM [DarkPrince] We will.

2:10 PM [dicc] This makes you a grandfather, Gunmar.

2:10 PM [SpringKing] Doesn't this like make you bular's stepdad, Dick?

2:10 PM [DarkPrince] do not call him that

2:10 PM [Nomura] has sent a file: Dio.png

2:11 PM [GnomeHunter] wow you really do know dio

2:11 PM [Eli] dat hair

2:11 PM [L4dybug] You guys look b a k e d holy crap

2:11 PM [W.Strickler] Let's not discuss this.

2:11 PM [Underl0rd] Who is this Dio you speak of?

2:12 PM [Tobias.D] an actual god

2:12 PM [L4dybug] basically yeah

2:12 PM [SpringKing] are there other famous people that are changelings?

2:12 PM [Nomura] lana del rey

2:12 PM [Eli] no way

2:13 PM [KannibalKilla] wow really?

2:13 PM [W.Strickler] There are changelings everywhere, Steve.

2:13 PM [Buttwizard] Unfortunately.

2:14 PM [KannibalKilla] merlin you're lookin to get messed up

2:14 PM [GnomeHunter] seriously quit your shit merlin

2:14 PM [MurderBreath] why do you guys put up with him just eat him already

2:14 PM [Tobias.D] dude probably tastes like stale corn pops

2:14 PM [KannibalKilla] lol


	38. Can you kill a wizard with duct tape?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duct tape fixes everything, but could it be used to kill a wizard? The group discusses this and other ways to handle Merlin.

 

11/8/16

 

2:19 AM [GnomeHunter] we really gotta figure out what to do with merlin

2:19 AM [GnomeHunter] he knows something's up

2:20 AM [Tobias.D] are we really gonna kill merlin?

2:20 AM [L4dybug] He's putting the entire world in danger

2:20 AM [GnomeHunter] it feels kinda wrong to kill him idk why

2:20 AM [Dr.L] @Marshmall0w said something about a giant robot ?

2:21 AM [Tobias.D] the what and why wasn't I informed??????

2:21 AM [KannibalKilla] barbara there's no giant robot dinosaur we were messing with you

2:21 AM [KannibalKilla] how are we gonna steal a dinosaur from universal studios

2:22 AM [GnomeHunter] i wouldn't be surprised if you did honestly

2:22 AM [Dr.L] Not cool you guys I believed you lol

2:23 AM [GnomeHunter] Yeah apologize

2:24 AM [Basement_dweller] we could trap him somewhere.

2:24 AM [KannibalKilla] Sorry Barbara

2:24 AM [Blinky] I don't see how we could hope to imprison him.

2:24 AM [Tobias.D] what if we knock him out and mummify him in duct tape them bury him in amazon

2:24 AM [L4dybug] I read that a wizard can't use magic if he can't speak or use his hands at all

2:24 AM [Nomura] If you have questions about magic ask Dictatious. He's not a wizard but he's studied them or so he claims.

2:24 AM [KannibalKilla] ask him but don't let him know we're up to something yet

2:24 AM [GnomeHunter] right

\-------

2:24 AM [GnomeHunter] -> [dicc] can you kill a wizard with duct tape?

 

2:24 AM [dicc] -> [GnomeHunter] what

\--------

2:24 AM [GnomeHunter] amazon it is!

2:24 AM [L4dybug] and let him starve to death??

2:25 AM [KannibalKilla] sure

2:25 AM [Dr.L] I'm okay with that.

2:25 AM [GnomeHunter] sounds good

2:25 AM [L4dybug] what if we just break the staff and hide the pieces?

2:26 AM [GnomeHunter] then beat his ass

2:26 AM [KannibalKilla] can you break it? it can't be that stupid simple

2:26 AM [Blinky] He's right. We don't know if we can break it.

2:26 AM [GnomeHunter] Gunmar has the staff. Think Dictatious would let us borrow it?

2:27 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm sure he would.

2:27 AM [Tobias.D] yeah he totally will

2:27 AM [KannibalKilla] I'll call him.

2:27 AM [GnomeHunter] We gotta hide it from merlin while we're doing this

2:28 AM [KannibalKilla] i'll kneecap him and buy some time

2:28 AM [Dr.L] I don't think that's necessary.

2:28 AM [KannibalKilla] Dick knows we wanna break the staff. Says he was waiting for us to ask cause 'we're slow and it pleases him to watch us suffer'

2:28 AM [Tobias.D] least he's honest 

2:29 AM [KannibalKilla] we'll have to do it in trollmarket if we don't want merlin knowing what we're up to

2:30 AM [Blinky] Gunmar won't like this idea.

2:30 AM [GnomeHunter] I know he won't.

2:30 AM [Basement_dweller] We should do this soon

2:30 AM [GnomeHunter] wait let's just throw the staff through the fetch

2:31 AM [Tobias.D] the bridge is nothing but gravel so he can't go in and get it

2:31 AM [Blinky] Without his magic, Merlin will be unable to retrieve it from the darklands.

2:31 AM [Basement_dweller] Then we kill him.

2:31 AM [GnomeHunter] That works

2:31 AM [KannibalKilla] We gotta smash the fetch too?

2:31 AM [Blinky] Both of them.

2:32 AM [Marshmall0w]  merlin will ask gunmar about it so we gotta do this fast af so he doesn't know

2:32 AM [Tobias.D] like four minutes tops cause his goons will follow us around everywhere we go in trollmarket.

2:32 AM [L4dybug] when are we doing it?

2:33 AM [GnomeHunter] let's do it now

2:33 AM [KannibalKilla] I'm throw a dog turd at merlin and get his attention

2:33 AM [L4dybug] lmao

2:33 AM [GnomeHunter] be careful

2:33 AM [Tobias.D] let's go ruin the wizard's day guys

2:34 AM [GnomeHunter] meet at trollmarket in ten minutes.

2:34 AM [Nomura] I'll be there.

2:35 AM [Basement_dweller] I will join you.

2:35 AM [Tobias.D] I'm going too

2:35 AM [Marshmall0w] It should just be you guys. If we all go he'll notice.

2:36 AM [GnomeHunter] hey I didn't see you at the bridge when I met gunmar on halloween

2:36 AM [Marshmall0w] I didn't want you to.

2:37 AM [GnomeHunter] boy

2:37 AM [KannibalKilla] fuck hes chasin gme hURRY


	39. Beat it, Merlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes celebrate Merlin's defeat.

11/10/16

2:55 PM [W.Strickler] Which one of you miscreants drew dickbutt in the book of Ga'Huel?

2:55 PM [GnomeHunter] idk

2:55 PM [Blinky] Could have been any of us.

2:56 PM [Tobias.D] I might have done it in my sleep

2:56 PM [dicc] Have we heard from your wizard yet?

2:56 PM [GnomeHunter] No thankfully

2:56 PM [Blinky] He fled once he realized his staff was gone.

2:57 PM [Underl0rd] And with it, any chance of freeing the pale lady.

2:57 PM [dicc] I thought she was the pale bitch now

2:57 PM [KannibalKilla] let's call her old news

2:57 PM [GnomeHunter] tf have you been

2:58 PM [KannibalKilla] Working on stuff. Confidential.

2:58 PM [Tobias.D] good shot btw I forgot to tell you

2:58 PM [Blinky] Who could have guessed that such a powerful wizard could fall to a well aimed dog turd?

2:58 PM [KannibalKilla] all in a day's work

2:58 PM [GnomeHunter] He better stay gone.

2:58 PM [Nomura] Back to training, then. You will still face Gunmar, trollhunter.

2:59 PM [GnomeHunter] You're right. I gotta get serious.

2:59 PM [Tobias.D] dude I bet you could kick gunmar's ass no problem

2:59 PM [KannibalKilla] honestly

3:00 PM [Underl0rd] We shall see.

3:00 PM [DarkPrince] We shall.

3:00 PM [KannibalKilla] See, we shall.

3:01 PM [GnomeHunter] still on for new years eve?

3:01 PM [Underl0rd] Yes.

3:01 PM [KannibalKilla] should hire cheerleaders

3:02 PM [GnomeHunter] let's not

3:02 PM [Tobias.D] yeah cheerleaders seem like a bit much

3:02 PM [SpringKing] strickler do you still eat socks?

3:02 PM [Eli] For science reasons.

3:02 PM [KannibalKilla] information is sick

3:03 PM [GnomeHunter] what lol

3:03 PM [W.Strickler] I do not eat socks.

3:04 PM [KannibalKilla] Why not?

3:04 PM [W.Strickler] I don't like them.

3:04 PM [Nomura] eat them

3:04 PM [Tobias.D] jim have you eaten a sock yet?

3:05 PM [KannibalKilla] now we're asking the real questions

3:05 PM [GnomeHunter] I haven't eaten any socks.

3:06 PM [Tobias.D] huh

3:06 PM [dicc] Your trollhunter seems to prefer live meat.

3:06 PM [W.Strickler] He sent me a selfie with a dead squirrel in his mouth this morning.

3:06 PM [Tobias.D] gross

3:07 PM [marshmall0w] If you can find a rabbit, eat it. Tastier than squirrels.

3:07 PM [Basement_dweller] We should begin training at sundown. 

3:07 PM [GnomeHunter] sounds good

3:08 PM [Dr.L] That's gross, Jim. Don't play with your food.

3:08 PM [GnomeHunter] sorry mom

3:08 PM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: seafood.png

3:08 PM [Tobias.D] tf are you eating drier lint?

3:09 PM [GnomeHunter] are you eating my fuckin shamwow

3:09 PM [Tobias.D] uh oh

3:09 PM [Basement_dweller] Run.

3:10 PM [Nomura] oh no, not the shamwow

3:10 PM [Eli] did you actually buy that?

3:10 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah and I used the ad special to get four for the price of two 

3:10 PM [SpringKing] I didn't know people actually bought those. I stole mine.

3:11 PM [dicc] has sent a file: seafood.png

3:11 PM [Eli] gross

3:11 PM [W.Strickler] Why aren't you paying attention to your schoolwork?

3:12 PM [Tobias.D] uhl told us to hang out with those foreign exchange kids that don't know what money is

3:12 PM [L4dybug] They're nice guys at least

3:12 PM [Tobias.D] Yeah we're with them right now

3:12 PM [KannibalKilla] Dick what's with your eyes in that pic?

3:13 PM [Underl0rd] He has been drinking. The wizard's defeat put him in a good mood.

3:13 PM [Tobias.D] idk how you can handle him when he's drinking like even just taking him home on halloween was a pain

3:13 PM [Underl0rd] Should he wander, I will carry him home. 

3:13 PM [KannibalKilla] he can't have been all that bad

3:14 PM [Tobias.D] I told him to move his ass and he started dancing

3:14 PM [Underl0rd] I believe you.

3:14 PM [dicc] has sent a file: badbitches.png

3:14 PM [Blinky] You're a selfie addict.

3:14 PM [dicc] sue me

3:15 PM [KannibalKilla] you two look adorable honestly

3:15 PM [Nomura] I agree.

3:16 PM [dicc] oh stop

3:16 PM [KannibalKilla] bein' serious mate

3:16 PM [dicc] No I mean stop we're embarrassing Gunmar

3:17 PM [Underl0rd] You are not.

3:17 PM [KannibalKilla] Why can't we have cheerleaders?

3:17 PM [GnomeHunter] idk it sounds weird

3:18 PM [KannibalKilla] bout a twerk team?

3:18 PM [Marshmall0w] Triple T: troll twerk team

3:18 PM [Basement_dweller] Let's not.

3:18 PM [dicc] I think it's a wonderful idea.

3:19 PM [Blinky] Of course you do.

3:19 PM [KannibalKilla] bagdwella would be down for it

3:20 PM [GnomeHunter] I'm never gonna get that image out of my head

3:20 PM [Tobias.D] I cringed

3:20 PM [KannibalKilla] tf is wrong with you guys she got an ass

3:20 PM [MurderBreath] gotta drive six blocks to slap both cheeks

3:21 PM [GnomeHunter] lol

3:21 PM [Nomura] good lord

3:21 PM [L4dybug] He really is ur kid lmao

3:22 PM [GnomeHunter] has removed [Buttwizard]


	40. Dead bodies and dick pics [Block party]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quiet early morning discussion and Usurna gets killed.

11/23/16

 

1:58 AM [KannibalKilla] who up

1:58 AM [dicc] Hello.

1:58 AM [KannibalKilla] you're like eight feet away from me I know you're up

1:58 AM [Nomura] what's gud

1:59 AM [KannibalKilla] chillin

1:59 AM [dicc] hungry hungry hippos

2:00 AM [Basement_dweller] you take a drink every time you lose or win

2:00 AM [Nomura] Sounds like an excellent time.

2:00 AM [KannibalKilla] gonna have to cut Dick off soon

2:00 AM [dicc] you're jealous

2:01 AM [KannibalKilla] you're drunk

2:01 AM [W.Strickler] You're both very loud.

2:02 AM [KannibalKilla] tf you doin at jim's house??

2:02 AM [Nomura] busted

2:02 AM [dicc] Gunmar's finally going to murder Usurna. I'll take pictures when I arrive at trollmarket.

2:02 AM [DarkPrince] Are you certain that you can return on your own?

2:02 AM [KannibalKilla] he already took off mate, fast as fuck

2:03 AM [Nomura] No stopping the revolution.

2:03 AM [KannibalKilla] aight look at this 

2:03 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: lego.png

2:03 AM [W.Strickler] Are those hot wheels?

2:03 AM [KannibalKilla] kid braided a bunch of toys into his hair, starts swingin his head around and bangin em on the wall

2:04 AM [Nomura] did you ask him why?

2:04 AM [DarkPrince] He said he was warding off dark spirits.

2:04 AM [Marshmall0w] makes sense to me

2:04 AM [Nomura] Absolutely.

2:04 AM [KannibalKilla] if I were a dark spirit i'd be pretty spooked

2:05 AM [Basement_dweller] I wish you would allow me to teach him to fight.

2:05 AM [KannibalKilla] He's tiny af give him a while

2:05 AM [dicc] Tiny af indeed, but he toppled Bular on his own.

2:05 AM [dicc] I'm in trollmarket so who wants pictures of Usurna's carcass?

2:05 AM [W.Strickler] That was quick.

2:06 AM [dicc] You can't stop the revolution.

2:06 AM [KannibalKilla] are these pre or post breakfast pictures?

2:07 AM [dicc] He'll eat her first. It appears that Usurna believes that Gunmar intends to bed her.

2:07 AM [KannibalKilla] well won't she be in for a surprise

2:07 AM [dicc] I'm going to stand nearby and act jealous.

2:07 AM [Basement_dweller] I was smaller than Atreyu when my father began training me. It will give him focus and he'll stop breaking things for fun.

2:07 AM [Nomura] Draal has a point.

2:08 AM [KannibalKilla] Nomura you're takin his side cause you wanna smash 

2:08 AM [DarkPrince] We will both teach him.

2:08 AM [Nomura] I will kill you.

2:09 AM [KannibalKilla] not if I kill you first

2:09 AM [Marshmall0w] He's gotta learn to fight, NE. You taught him the important stuff already.

2:09 AM [Nomura] The important stuff?

2:09 AM [KannibalKilla] Basic skills, right? What socks taste better, how to adjust yourself in public without anyone noticing, that stuff.

2:10 AM [Blinky] Invaluable life lessons.

2:10 AM [KannibalKilla] Exactly

2:11 AM [dicc] I'm giving Usurna a phone. Make fun of her, she's about to die and she doesn't know yet.

2:11 AM [W.Strickler] You're joking

2:11 AM [dicc] has added [Laqueefa]

2:11 AM [KannibalKilla] dat name

2:12 AM [Blinky] I like it.

2:12 AM [RRR] Good name for traitor queen.

2:12 AM [Nomura] Absolutely.

2:12 AM [Laqueefa] So this is how your trollhunter and his friends plan around us.

2:12 AM [KannibalKilla] Yeah we're always like six steps ahead of you honestly you aren't good at being a badguy

2:12 AM [Nomura] We make fun of you constantly.

2:13 AM [KannibalKilla] So why are we out and about this morning Laqueefa, got a hot date?

2:13 AM [Laqueefa] Perhaps.

2:13 AM [dicc] With Gunmar, even. 

2:13 AM [KannibalKilla] Lucky

2:14 AM [dicc] Indeed.

2:14 AM [DarkPrince] I see.

2:14 AM [KannibalKilla] well make sure you fill us in on all the details

2:14 AM [Nomura] Truly, your thirst is unquenchable.

2:14 AM [Blinky] I'm impressed, Usurna. I was certain that Gunmar was growing tired of you.

2:15 AM [Laqueefa] Is that so?

2:15 AM [KannibalKilla] you're not a very good minion tbh but I guess he wants to smash so good shit

2:15 AM [rotten] The traitor queen joins us.

2:15 AM [dicc] Fair warning, he'll bite and it hurts.

2:15 AM [Laqueefa] Has he grown bored of you, Dictatious?

2:16 AM [dicc] Doubtful.

2:16 AM [Basement_dweller] has sent a file: lemmesmash.mp4

2:16 AM [KannibalKilla] p l s

2:16 AM [Laqueefa] I don't understand what this means.

2:16 AM [Nomura] Gunmar definitely wants to fuck you. Go for it.

2:17 AM [KannibalKilla] he just tryna suck some tiddy

2:17 AM [KannibalKilla] lucky bitch

2:17 AM [dicc] Jealous?

2:17 AM [KannibalKilla] like I said before Gunmar got an ass on him and any hole's a goal

2:18 AM [Marshmall0w] such thirst lmao

2:18 AM [DarkPrince] Can we please not discuss my father's ass?

2:18 AM [KannibalKilla] aight

2:18 AM [dicc] Isn't that what this chat is for?

2:18 AM [Blinky] No.

2:19 AM [Laqueefa] He is quite attractive. Surely you are jealous, Dictatious?

2:19 AM [dicc] If you say so.

2:19 AM [KannibalKilla] this bitch

2:19 AM [DarkPrince] @KannibalKilla We should meet before sunrise. 

2:20 AM [Nomura] dictatious

2:20 AM [dicc] Yes?

2:20 AM [Nomura] You and your brother have a t y p e

2:20 AM [KannibalKilla] lol

2:20 AM [dicc] Larger, stronger trolls that could pin us down and kill us in a single bite?

2:20 AM [Blinky] I suppose we do.

2:20 AM [RRR] Ha.

2:21 AM [KannibalKilla] wow you two actually agree on something

2:21 AM [Marshmall0w] and it's ass

2:21 AM [KannibalKilla] ass makes the world turn mate without asses we'd be screwed

2:21 AM [dicc] Do you even look at half of the things you say?

2:22 AM [KannibalKilla] No I do not.

2:22 AM [dicc] She's dead. Pictures?

2:22 AM [KannibalKilla] Hit me

2:22 AM [dicc] has sent a file: [rekt.png]

2:22 AM [Nomura] rekt is right good lord

2:23 AM [Blinky] Disgusting.

2:23 AM [dicc] If you think that's disgusting

2:23 AM [KannibalKilla] oh boy

2:23 AM [dicc] has sent a file: [yeah.png]

2:23 AM [Blinky] I'd rather not see that. Save it for Gunmar.

2:23 AM [KannibalKilla] jeeze

2:24 AM [DarkPrince] why did I open that picture

2:24 AM [KannibalKilla] Good luck cleanin that image out of your head

2:24 AM [Basement_dweller] don't look directly into it

2:24 AM [KannibalKilla] lol

2:25 AM [Nomura] strickler's fucking slain right now

2:25 AM [KannibalKilla] I can hear him

2:25 AM [Dr.L] I left you guys alone for an hour and you're sending dead bodies and dick pics

2:25 AM [Marshmall0w] That's what I'm calling my second album 'dead bodies and dick pics'

2:25 AM [KannibalKilla] When's the first one drop

2:26 AM [Marshmall0w] April hopefully

2:27 AM [W.Strickler] You're a musician?

2:27 AM [Marshmall0w] it's horrorcore it isn't music it's a lifestyle

2:27 AM [Marshmall0w] First one's called the bitch's beast

2:27 AM [Nomura] Strickler knows all about horrorcore

2:28 AM [W.Strickler] Wouldn't any picture that Dictatious sends us technically be a dick pic?

2:28 AM [KannibalKilla] You are absolutely right.

2:34 AM [Nomura] It got quiet in here.

2:35 AM [Rotten] Perhaps they're all finally sleeping.

2:35 AM [KannibalKilla] nah dick and gunmar are probably in mid-smash rn

2:35 AM [Nomura] in mid-smash

2:35 AM [KannibalKilla] guessin that's where blink and RRR are at lmao

2:35 AM [DarkPrince] Who wants drugs

2:36 AM [KannibalKilla] me me me!

2:36 AM [DarkPrince] Got all the grass Fragwa and Artie owed us. Needless to say there's a lot of it.

2:36 AM [Basement_dweller] If you two are smoking, I will watch Atreyu.

2:37 AM [KannibalKilla] thanks mate

2:37 AM [KannibalKilla] I just had the best idea in history aight

2:37 AM [DarkPrince] say it

2:37 AM [KannibalKilla] let's play mario kart

2:38 AM [DarkPrince] @Nomura come play mario

2:38 AM [KannibalKilla] yeah strickler too come play mario

2:38 AM [Nomura] That sounds fun. Drinks?

2:38 AM [KannibalKilla] course

2:38 AM [KannibalKilla] @Basement_dweller hey you and atreyu be player 4 cause strickler won't wanna play

2:38 AM [W.Strickler] What if I said I would play?

2:39 AM [Nomura] I'd ask what you've done with strickler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Close to the end of the story now. Maybe two more chapters before the epic battle scene everyone will talk about but you'll never see.


	41. The waiting game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone tries to act like Jim and Gunmar don't have to kill each other in less than a month. Merlin makes an appearance, as well as a new ally(?)

12/16/16

11:19 PM [GnomeHunter] guys we have a problem

11:19 PM [KannibalKilla] ok what else is new

11:19 PM [GnomeHunter] Merlin just called me

11:19 PM [KannibalKilla] oh shit

11:20 PM [marshmall0w] alright guys battle mode

11:20 PM [GnomeHunter] what

11:20 PM [KannibalKilla] is now known as [A☭iDKI⎿⎿A]

11:20 PM [Tobias.D] is now known as [WΔRHΔMMƎR]

11:20 PM [GnomeHunter] guys

11:21 PM [Dicc] is now known as [ƊicnifiƆinŦ]

11:21 PM [KannibalKilla] dicknificent you can't be serious that's your callsign

11:21 PM [GnomeHunter] g u y s merlin is in arcadia oaks right now

11:21 PM [A☭iDKI⎿⎿A] yeah we're ready when you are

11:22 PM [GnomeHunter] he's in jail

11:22 PM [Dr.L] Merlin was arrested?

11:22 PM [GnomeHunter] he was trying to barter with the cashier at walmart and refused to leave

11:23 PM [A☭iDKI⎿⎿A] is now know as [KannibalKilla]

11:23 PM [KannibalKilla] alright so we aren't killing him

11:23 PM [GnomeHunter] you guys were waiting to do that with your names

11:23 PM [WΔRHΔMMƎR] yeah we got all our callsigns picked out a few weeks ago

11:24 PM [Dr.L] Did Merlin ask us to come get him?

11:24 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah and I kinda want to but i'm not in a hurry

11:24 PM [Dr.L] Fair. Tomorrow morning?

11:24 PM [Blinky] is now known as [ØraclƎ]

11:25 PM [KannibalKilla] false alarm oracle lmao

11:25 PM [Basement_dweller] Why are we using code names?

11:25 PM [KannibalKilla] callsigns

11:25 PM [WΔRHΔMMƎR] it sounds edgier that way

11:25 PM [WΔRHΔMMƎR] is now know as [Tobias.D]

11:26 PM [L4dybug] why all the unicode

11:26 PM [KannibalKilla] unicode is cruise control for cool

11:26 PM [GnomeHunter] that doesn't make sense

11:26 PM [SpringKing] he's that old guy that hung out in your garage right

11:27 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

11:27 PM [Tobias.D] okay sorry jim but i don't think it can wait

11:27 PM [KannibalKIlla] aw why not?

11:28 PM [Tobias.D] Darci's dad just called me and said 'i know this weird old man belongs to you and your friends so come get him or consequences'

11:28 PM [Nomura] that's funny

11:28 PM [Dr.L] @W.Strickler think you could drive them to the police station

11:28 PM [KannibalKilla] what are the consequences?

11:29 PM [Tobias.D] I dunno he just said consequences

11:29 PM [W.Strickler] Who am I driving to the police station?

11:29 PM [Tobias.D] I'll go

11:30 PM [GnomeHunter] I'll wait in the car

11:30 PM [KannibalKilla] I'll stay home and drink

11:30 PM [Nomura] Draal is watching Atreyu, then?

11:30 PM [KannibalKilla] his weekend

11:31 PM [ƊicnifiƆinŦ] is now known as [Dicc]

11:31 PM [Dicc] What's wrong with my callsign?

11:31 PM [Nomura] Nothing at all, dicknificent is a fantastic name.

11:32 PM [L4dybug] why do you think merlin came back?

11:32 PM [ØraclƎ] I'm not certain. Surely Jim's threats of evisceration would have kept him away!

11:33 PM [ØraclƎ] is now known as [Blinky]

11:34 PM [SpringKing] @GnomeHunter would u actually eat merlin

11:34 PM [Underl0rd] The wizard returns? No doubt with some plan to release the pale lady.

11:35 PM [GnomeHunter] idk maybe if he gave me a reason to

11:36 PM [Tobias.D] has sent a file: mugshot.png

11:36 PM [L4dybug] what's with his shirt

11:37 PM [W.Strickler] has sent a file: oldmandale.png

11:37 PM [W.Strickler] @DarkPrince look who else I found.

11:38 PM [Dr.L] Who is that?

11:38 PM [W.Strickler] The only other human to look Bular in the eyes and live.

11:39 PM [DarkPrince] You aren't bringing him here are you?

11:39 PM [GnomeHunter] he's in the car with us

11:39 PM [DarkPrince] His son?

11:40 PM [W.Strickler] Waiting in a hotel room. Dale was arrested for panhandling.

11:40 PM [L4dybug] So what does Merlin want?

11:40 PM [GnomeHunter] He wants to 'make things right' but I'm really not sure how he plans on doing that

11:41 PM [Dr.L] Make things right right, or Merlin right?

11:41 PM [GnomeHunter] idk yet we're gonna talk soon

11:42 PM [Tobias.D] whoever this other guy is he reeks

11:42 PM [GnomeHunter] He said he was a professional hobo

11:43 PM [SpringKing] I gotta meet him

11:43 PM [L4dybug] What other guy?

11:43 PM [Tobias.D] some friend of strickler's from days of y o r e

11:44 PM [L4dybug] are u calling them old

11:44 PM [Tobias.D] he's like the cryptkeeper

11:45 PM [KannibalKilla] lol

11:47 PM [GnomeHunter] sos

11:47 PM [KannibalKilla] fuck kinda laugh is sos?

11:48 PM [SpringKing] that means he's in trouble dumbass

11:48 PM [GnomeHunter] merlin has the staff idk how

11:48 PM [GnomeHunter] and like a bag of holding or some shit

11:49 PM [Dicc] Impossible. You and I both saw Gunmar destroy the staff and the fetch.

11:49 PM [Eli] he is a wizard though remember

11:49 PM [Blinky] If Merlin has the staff, this means he's found another method of entering the darklands.

11:49 PM [Dicc] This does not bode well.

11:49 PM [GnomeHunter] no way

11:50 PM [Tobias.D] He doesn't know we saw the staff yet

11:50 PM [KannibalKilla] should have killed him when we had the chance

11:50 PM [SpringKing] we should have killed him when he started talking crap about animal collective

11:51 PM [Dicc] Animal collective?

11:51 PM [KannibalKilla] it's garbage lol

11:51 PM [Tobias.D] their music sounds like crayons having an orgy

11:51 PM [Nomura] what

11:52 PM [SpringKing] that's the most accurate description of them lol

11:52 PM [GnomeHunter] alright just pretend I didn't tell you guys because I'm officially convinced merlin can and will kill us all to have his magic back

11:52 PM [Dicc] Well we should kill him first.

11:52 PM [KannibalKilla] kill him harder

11:52 PM [Blinky] I'm certain I have a guillotine somewhere.

11:53 PM [GnomeHunter] w h a t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think it was over did you?


	42. Wendigofuckyourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strickler adds a homeless guy to the chat. Jim discovers a new way to mess with Steve.

12/17/16

2:55 AM [W.Strickler] @Tobias.D did you draw this on my window

2:55 AM [W.Strickler] has sent a file: arse.png

2:55 AM [Tobias.D] no lol

2:56 AM [GnomeHunter] ask that hobo guy

2:56 AM [W.Strickler] Now that you mention it I'm certain it was Dale.

2:56 AM [Tobias.D] his kid is adorable

2:56 AM [GnomeHunter] bite it pansy lol

2:57 AM [Tobias.D] LOL 

2:57 AM [SpringKing] what

2:58 AM [GnomeHunter] left dale at his hotel room and his son was talking mad shit in black ops

2:58 AM [SpringKing] He has a son?

2:58 AM [Tobias.D] he's kinda like if you squished aaarrrgghh and bular together, then taught him english with three six mafia

2:58 AM [SpringKing] ha ha what

2:58 AM [DarkPrince] He's grown, I'm sure.

2:58 AM [W.Strickler] They both have. Dale is fifty years old.

2:59 AM [Tobias.D] how do you know dale bular

2:59 AM [DarkPrince] I tried to eat him and he shot me.

2:59 AM [W.Strickler] I believe his exact words to you were "Stay away from him or I'll put this gun in your dickhole."

2:59 AM [Nomura] And you let him live??

3:00 AM [DarkPrince] A human stood between myself and a whelp he hardly knew with no fear in his eyes.

3:00 AM [SpringKing] dang

3:00 AM [Tobias.D] that's it??

3:00 AM [SpringKing] add him

3:01 AM [SpringKing] if he's a professional hobo I have to ask him some questions

3:01 AM [W.Strickler] I think he still has a flip phone.

3:01 AM [Tobias.D] whoa

3:01 AM [Nomura] Surely there's more to that story, Bular.

3:02 AM [DarkPrince] I'd rather not discuss it anymore.

3:02 AM [W.Strickler] has added [OldManDale]

3:03 AM [GnomeHunter] hey

3:03 AM [OldManDale] how do you do fellow kids

3:04 AM [Tobias.D] lol

3:04 AM [OldManDale] What am I doing in this chat, Walter?

3:05 AM [SpringKing] excuse me good sir but I have approximately a thousand questions pertaining to being a hobo

3:05 AM [OldManDale] Am I giving hobo lessons?

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] normally i'd have several objections to this but i'm too tired rn

3:06 AM [GnomeHunter] welcome to hell dale

3:06 AM [OldManDale] Hell is for pansies, you ever been to Iowa?

3:06 AM [OldManDale] Depression is their state sport.

3:07 AM [Tobias.D] can we keep him lol

3:07 AM [SpringKing] never go to iowa, got it

3:07 AM [DarkPrince] Suppose there are creeps to be slain there?

3:08 AM [SpringKing] it's different in that case

3:08 AM [OldManDale] Creeps?

3:08 AM [KannibalKilla] him and his man kill monsters for fun

3:09 AM [Eli] has sent a file: Wendigofuckurself.png

3:09 AM [Nomura] You two killed a wendigo??

3:09 AM [SpringKing] yeah why

3:09 AM [Dicc] That is quite a feat, as even among trollkind the wendigo are feared.

3:10 AM [OldManDale] Jeeze how old are you two?

3:10 AM [SpringKing] we should have a tv show

3:10 AM [Tobias.D] p sure that's already a show and it's called supernatural

3:11 AM [SpringKing] do NOT

3:11 AM [GnomeHunter] i'm boombox carry on wayward son outside your window

3:12 AM [Eli] I liked that song up until right now

3:12 AM [OldManDale] I remember when that song came out.

3:12 AM [MurderBreath] More old people why

3:12 AM [Nomura] tf you mean more

3:13 AM [Dr.L] I don't know why I still bother asking but shouldn't you kids be in bed?

3:13 AM [Tobias.D] I'm headin to bed rn

3:13 AM [GnomeHunter] I miss sleeping every night tbh

3:13 AM [Eli] sleep is life

3:14 AM [SpringKing] this game is pissing me off anyways night guys

3:14 AM [OldManDale] kids and their damn video games

3:14 AM [KannibalKilla] 'back in my day'

3:14 AM [OldManDale] bAck iN mY DaY

3:15 AM [KannibalKilla] he know some memes

3:15 AM [OldManDale] I'm old, not a savage. Plus Wattie's pretty much a meme expert.

3:15 AM [Underl0rd] You are the human that attacked my son with a gun?

3:16 AM [OldManDale] hold on what

3:16 AM [MurderBreath] a meme expert?

3:17 AM [KannibalKilla] a challenger approaches

3:17 AM [OldManDale] He could give a you a whole presentation about bitches and how they ain't shit.

3:17 AM [RRR] @Blinky come to trollmarket.

3:17 AM [Blinky] I'm leaving now. Is something wrong?

3:18 AM [RRR] Miss Blinky.

3:18 AM [Marshmall0w] aww

3:18 AM [OldManDale] you don't  still hang out with that guy do you Walter?

3:18 AM [W.Strickler] I wouldn't call it hanging out.

3:19 AM [GnomeHunter] Bular's one of us now

3:19 AM [KannibalKilla] he's my bro so don't talk shit

3:19 AM [KannibalKilla] @DarkPrince thunder buddies

3:19 AM [Underl0rd] I still do not understand this. What is a thunder buddy?

3:20 AM [SpringKing] Lake get the hell off of my lawn with that radio


	43. Ugh, what is it this time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heartstone lies dying, threatening to free the pale lady and a strange new thing growing within... Well, I suppose things did seem a little too easy.

 

12/20/16

 

8:55 AM [Dicc] So did you forget that we're supposed to be your enemies?

8:55 AM [Tobias.D] Yeah, to be honest

8:56 AM [Blinky] Considering the state in which you left Trollmarket, we'd be hard pressed to forget again. Traitor.

8:56 AM [Dicc] Sap.

8:57 AM [L4dybug] whoa what did I miss

8:57 AM [L4dybug] i thought you guys were cool

8:57 AM [Blinky] Not only has our home been thoroughly defiled, but our heartstone is in miserable condition! Dictatious and I are far from cool.

8:57 AM [Dicc] We're bad guys. We do these things.

8:58 AM [KannibalKilla] okay the heartstone's gone and it's a tragedy but so is that horrid fucking suit your dad's wearing

8:58 AM [L4dybug] the yellow one ugh I know

8:58 AM [GnomeHunter] I'm gonna kick your ass twice as hard, Gunmar.

8:58 AM [marshmall0w] man just lemme shoot him

8:59 AM [marshmall0w] also yeah the fuck is with that suit

8:59 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: yello.png

8:59 AM [Blinky] Great gorgus that suit is hideous

8:59 AM [MurderBreath] lookin like hank humberfloob's illegal cousin

9:00 AM [Eli] r o a s t

9:00 AM [Blinky] What's more, there appears to be some kind of growth within the heartstone.

9:00 AM [GnomeHunter] not cool you guys

9:00 AM [KannibalKilla] fuckin humberfloob lmao bular is tryin not to die rn

9:01 AM [Basement_dweller] Forget the challenge, we will kill him now.

9:01 AM [W.Strickler] What kind of growth?

9:01 AM [Blinky] I cannot be sure but if it continues to grow the heartstone will shatter, freeing this growth _and_ the pale lady.

9:01 AM [W.Strickler] I'd like to examine it.

9:02 AM [Nomura] Vendel will have you killed on sight.

9:02 AM [KannibalKilla] Attention everyone it's 9:02

9:02 AM [MurderBreath] Staff meeting!

9:02 AM [GnomeHunter] guys this is serious shit but that's making me wanna laugh cut it out

9:03 AM [Underl0rd] Even if you were to defeat me, trollhunter, your entire market will die.

9:03 AM [GnomeHunter] you're a dick

9:03 AM [Dicc] You are what you eat.

9:03 AM [Marshmall0w] I know we're trying to be serious but the face jim just made was priceless

9:04 AM [GnomeHunter] dude i'm here alone

9:04 AM [Marshmall0w] I think it's time I told you the truth

9:04 AM [SpringKing] ruh roh

9:05 AM [Marshmall0w] has sent a file: neep.png

9:05 AM [GnomeHunter] THE FUCKING GNOME

9:05 AM [GnomeHunter] has left the chat.

9:06 AM [SpringKing] dang

9:06 AM [Underl0rd] You believe that this growth will release the witch?

9:06 AM [Tobias.D] Dammit now we gotta deal with you guys and the pale lady

9:06 AM [Basement_dweller] Ask the wizard.

9:07 AM [L4dybug] ugh I guess we have to

9:07 AM [KannibalKilla] does he still have a phone?

9:07 AM [Marshmall0w] has added [Buttwizard]

9:08 AM [Tobias.D] There's a weird thing growing in the heartstone how do we get rid of it?

9:08 AM [Buttwizard] Yes, I'm aware. I've already located a new heartstone. I'll disclose its location after I've killed Morgana.

9:08 AM [Tobias.D] you knew tho didn't you?

9:08 AM [Tobias.D] forget school im gonna come murder you right now

9:09 AM [W.Strickler] You're at school, pay attention. 

9:09 AM [Tobias.D] tomorrow's winter break forget class

9:09 AM [SpringKing] so that witch lady's gonna escape anyways

9:10 AM [L4dybug] Guess you didn't need that staff anyways.

9:10 AM [Buttwizard] I tried to rebuild it, but it's worthless. It only turns Coca Cola into RC Cola.

9:10 AM [KannibalKilla] the fuck kinda useless magic is that?

9:10 AM [Buttwizard] You do realize that I am what many humans refer to as the 'antichrist'?

9:10 AM [Buttwizard] I suppose I'll just have to choke the magic out of her with my bare hands.

9:11 AM [L4dybug] has added [GnomeHunter]

9:11 AM [GnomeHunter] Okay.

9:11 AM [GnomeHunter] What did I miss?

9:11 AM [Tobias.D] Merlin knew this was happening the whole time, he tried to rebuild his staff, also there's a new heartstone someplace else. We have to deal with Gunmar, Merlin, and the pale bitch at the same time.

9:12 AM [Blinky] And whatever it is that's growing inside of our heartstone.

9:12 AM [Buttwizard] Hello again.

9:12 AM [GnomeHunter] has left the chat.


	44. Trombie...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli asks the real questions while NE and Bular call a session to discuss the situation in Trollmarket.

12/23/16

11:20 PM [KannibalKilla] look forget I asked about the fishnets okay

11:20 PM [Nomura] no

11:20 PM [GnomeHunter] has sent a file: shbsvsj.png

11:21 PM [GnomeHunter] what is that

11:21 PM [KannibalKilla] the hell is that thing

11:21 PM [Tobias.D] do troll zombies exist wh

11:21 PM [GnomeHunter] @Buttwizard

11:22 PM [KannibalKilla] think thats what was growing in the heartstone

11:22 PM [Blinky] has sent a file: stone.png

11:22 PM [Blinky] I'm afraid that's exactly what it is. There's no sign of the pale lady either.

11:22 PM [GnomeHunter] crap

11:23 PM [KannibalKilla] @dicc you guys get to help you let her out

11:23 PM [Underl0rd] We didn't mean to.

11:23 PM [GnomeHunter] that doesn't matter

11:24 PM [Buttwizard] Whatever this abomination may be, it has taken a liking to Morgana.

11:24 PM [L4dybug] so do we have a plan?

11:24 PM [KannibalKilla] Bular and I have once again modified the handjob to be used against the pale lady

11:25 PM [GnomeHunter] are you still using that

11:25 PM [Buttwizard] and once Morgana is given a hand job?

11:25 PM [Tobias.D] kick her ass

11:26 PM [GnomeHunter] ideally yeah

11:26 PM [Eli] hold on a second though look at the way the heartstone cracked

11:27 PM [Eli] In the picture Blinky sent

11:27 PM [KannibalKilla] ok what now

11:27 PM [Buttwizard] Had something broken free of the heartstone, the pieces would be scattered before it.

11:28 PM [GnomeHunter] are you saying that somebody let them out?

11:28 PM [Dicc] It wasn't us.

11:28 PM [Blinky] I'm not sure who else wields that amount of power. It couldn't have been Merlin.

11:29 PM [KannibalKilla] so another wizard?

11:29 PM [Buttwizard] This won't do. I am the wizard here.

11:29 PM [Tobias.D] has anyone seen either of them yet

11:29 PM [L4dybug] has sent a file: whoa.png

11:30 PM [GnomeHunter] dude that poor truck

11:30 PM [KannibalKilla] Bular and I are askin around

11:30 PM [Nomura] It destroyed a taco truck

11:30 PM [Tobias.D] the line has been drawn

11:31 PM [Eli] At the taco truck?

11:31 PM [SpringKing] toby are you tacokin

11:32 PM [GnomeHunter] wh

11:32 PM [Buttwizard] I will need time to analyze the heartstone, if we are to find those responsible for releasing Morgana.

11:33 PM [Eli] Merlin

11:34 PM [Buttwizard] child

11:34 PM [Eli] can crispiness be measured?

11:34 PM [Tobias.D] bet bill nye could tell us

11:34 PM [Buttwizard] Define crispiness.

11:35 PM [Eli] I'll text you

11:35 PM [Nomura] bill nye is a changeling

11:36 PM [Tobias.D] you lie

11:36 PM [KannibalKilla] she's not kidding

11:36 PM [Tobias.D] u lie like a rug

11:37 PM [GnomeHunter] what

11:37 PM [L4dybug] Vendel wants everyone to leave. I was just talking with him.

11:38 PM [GnomeHunter] I thought you were at home?

11:38 PM [L4dybug] I am

11:39 PM [Tobias.D] does vendel have a phone

11:39 PM [L4dybug] I'm not doing it

11:39 PM [KannibalKilla] add him

11:40 PM [DarkPrince] do it

11:40 PM [Rotten] Have mercy on the old goat.

11:40 PM [L4dybug] I'm not adding Vendel.

11:40 PM [OldManDale] Is he that nice fella that called me a smelly insect?

11:41 PM [GnomeHunter] yeah

11:41 PM [Basement_dweller] That's Vendel's final word? We leave Arcadia for the heartstone Merlin claims to have found?

11:41 PM [Blinky] We have no choice.

11:42 PM [DarkPrince] Shall we call a session, @KannibalKilla?

11:43 PM [KannibalKilla] Merlin, join our sesh. We got questions.

11:43 PM [Buttwizard] What is a sesh?

11:44 PM [Marshmall0w] Where the wisest of wise asses convene and discuss the future.

11:44 PM [Blinky] Don't give him drugs.

11:45 PM [OldManDale] I have some drugs if you guys wanna match

11:46 PM [KannibalKilla] Bular, Dale and Merlin will sit in. @Marshmall0w you in?

11:46 PM [Buttwizard] So we are to meet and share our knowledge of the recent incident involving the heartstone?

11:47 PM [KannibalKilla] Yes.

11:47 PM [OldManDale] Wattie will be with me.

11:48 PM [KannibalKilla] You guys gonna be chill if Bular's there too?

11:48 PM [Buttwizard] When shall we meet? 

11:49 PM [KannibalKilla] immediately also @Dr.L can we use your basement

11:49 PM [Dr.L] I suppose so. Where is Draal?

11:49 PM [Nomura] He is with Blinkous, examining the heartstone. I believe that Elijah is with them.

11:50 PM [Dicc] Can I sit in?

11:50 PM [Blinky] You left with Gunmar, didn't you?

11:50 PM [KannibalKilla] yes join us

11:50 PM [Dicc] We didn't go far, we'll return to finish destroying trollmarket soon.

11:51 PM [Eli] yeah bad idea btw don't come back here yet

11:51 PM [Blinky] Unless you're ready to die.

11:51 PM [Dicc] Do you think I'm afraid of you, Blinkous?

11:52 PM [RRR] Blinky taking ear rings out.

11:52 PM [Eli] crap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12:31 AM [Buttwizard] I see. What is Ligma?
> 
> 12:31 AM [several users are typing...]


	45. the s e s h [block party]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin reveals some information about time. NE and Bular have a new plan. Everyone's ready to leave.

12/24/16  
  
12:48 AM [W.Strickler] which one of you changed the lock on my front door  
  
12:48 AM [W.Strickler] and the garage door  
  
12:49 AM [Dicc] we thought we'd leave you a gift  
  
12:49 AM [Nomura] How thoughtful of you, Dictatious.  
  
12:49 AM [Dr.L] You're still alive?  
  
12:50 AM [Dicc] Yes.  
  
12:50 AM [KannibalKilla] Okay so merlin knows a lot more about this than he   
was willing to admit before we smoked him out  
  
12:50 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: eyes.png  
  
12:51 AM [Nomura] So what does he know?  
  
12:51 AM [KannibalKilla] has added [Buttwizard]  
  
12:51 AM [OldManDale] he's on another level right now good lord  
  
12:51 AM [W.Strickler] What does he know?  
  
12:52 AM [Buttwizard Well Elijah pointed me in the right direction. In   
layman's terms, this timeline is far crispier than any other.  
  
12:52 AM [W.Strickler] Crispier.  
  
12:52 AM [Buttwizard] At any given time on any day, any one choice that   
somebody makes is a form of time travel in itself. From each of these comes   
yet another timeline. Ours of course isn't any different.  
  
12:52 AM [Nomura] just how powerful is the stuff you're giving him  
  
12:52 AM [KannibalKilla] well it's got bular couched so  
  
12:53 AM [Merlin] Time, contrary to what Tobias will tell you, is not a   
ball of 'stuff'. It's like a brain, made out of really long and slimy wires   
and all the synapses are constantly firing and creating new timelines.  
  
12:53 AM [KannibalKilla] has added [GnomeHunter]  
  
12:53 AM [W.Strickler] what  
  
12:54 AM [GnomeHunter] what is this hell  
  
12:54 AM [KannibalKilla] This is some stuff you gotta read  
  
12:54 AM [Nomura] time is a bunch of slimy wires  
  
12:54 AM [Buttwizard] This timeline is crispy.  
  
12:55 AM [GnomeHunter] you're crispy  
  
12:55 AM [KannibalKilla] he's bein serious apparently crispiness is an actual field of study for mages and shit  
  
12:55 AM [Buttwizard] Crispiness is very hard to define. Many suggest that it's determined partly by one's willingness to engage in witty banter before attempting to kill each other, but obviously there's much more to it than that.  
  
12:56 AM [GnomeHunter] so why is this important  
  
12:56 AM [DarkPrince] @KannibalKilla can you hand me the remote  
  
12:56 AM [Buttwizard] Because whom or whatever released Morgana and the abomination was incredibly uncrispy. In scientific terms, crispn't.  
  
12:57 AM [GnomeHunter] so does that mean that whoever let them out could be from another universe or something  
  
12:57 AM [KannibalKilla] it's in your fuckin lap bular lmao  
  
12:57 AM [Buttwizard] That's exactly what it means. Did you notice that the area surrounding the heartstone felt different?  
  
12:57 AM [Blinky] It's because everyone is in mourning.  
  
12:58 AM [Buttwizard] Yes, that's part of it.  
  
12:58 AM [OldManDale] Now i'm no wizard or a scientist or a high school graduate.  
  
12:58 AM [OldManDale] but could this be the work of another morgana, from a different, less than crispy,  timeline?  
  
12:59 AM [GnomeHunter] please don't say that  
  
12:59 AM [Buttwizard] The overwhelming amount of crispn'tness present in trollmarket could have served as a means to travel between timelines, but considering the crispyness present in this world they wouldn't survive long enough to hurt anyone  
  
12:59 AM [GnomeHunter] So did they bring morgana to their own timeline? None of this makes sense yet btw  
  
12:59 AM [Blinky] Why is it called crispn't? That's dreadfully annoying.  
  
12:59 AM [Buttwizard] The term was coined by one wizard named Adamos the Algae, specifically because he knew it would bother people.  
  
1:00 AM [KannibalKilla] the father of modern crispiness  
  
1:00 AM [Dicc] So i'm assuming that their exists a much less crispy, more crispn't form of myself in one of these timelines?  
  
1:00 AM [Buttwizard] All of you exist in many different realities. This one was created roughly twelve thousand years ago, when a mountain troll ate nearly ten thousand gritshaka to keep them from the hands of Gunmar's horde.  
  
1:01 AM [Underl0rd] I wasn't certain what had happened to the soldiers charged with delivering them to me. They were eaten?  
  
1:01 AM [Buttwizard] Yes, then violently expelled. This must have released a higher concentration of crispyness, uncrispn'tness if you will, into the atmosphere.  
  
1:01 AM [GnomeHunter] a volcano shat crispiness into the atmosphere ?  
  
1:01 AM [KannibalKilla] that in itself was the first act of uncrispn'tness  
  
1:02 AM [OldManDale] this whole thing began with a fart  
  
1:02 AM [Blinky] I suggest keeping Merlin away from your drugs. This entire concept is idiotic.  
  
1:02 AM [KannibalKilla] yeah you hush up in your pretty sweater  
  
1:03 AM [Dicc] I will end you.  
  
1:03 AM [GnomeHunter] a sweater  
  
1:03 AM [DarkPrince] @Dr.L brought the get along shirt  
  
1:04 AM [GnomeHunter] w h a t  
  
1:04 AM [KannibalKilla] They were gonna kill each other. Again.  
  
1:04 AM [KannibalKilla] has sent a file: Smoky.mp4  
  
1:05 AM [W.Strickler] Showoff  
  
1:05 AM [Buttwizard] Your smoke rings are nothing. Observe.  
  
1:06 AM [Buttwizard] has sent a file: Smoke.mp4  
  
1:06 AM [Nomura] Is that a giraffe?  
  
1:06 AM [W.Strickler] Fine, i'm impressed.  
  
1:07 AM [Dr.L] Merlin blew a giraffe.  
  
1:07 AM [GnomeHunter] ha  
  
1:07 AM [KannibalKilla] but basically we got two witches to potentially deal with any time  
  
1:08 AM [Dicc] There's two of me as well. I'd like to meet myself.  
  
1:08 AM [Buttwizard] I wouldn't recommend it. You are far too crispy to get along with yourself.  
  
1:08 AM [Underl0rd] Then there must be many of me as well.  
  
1:09 AM [Dicc] I'd like to meet them as well. All at once.  
  
1:09 AM [KannibalKilla] @DarkPrince let's try and meet ourselves  
  
1:09 AM [DarkPrince] I'm not sure about that.  
  
1:09 AM [Buttwizard] It's a bad idea. You never know what you've been through in another reality. You could be anywhere else, living any other life.  
  
1:10 AM [KannibalKilla] still gonna do it someday  
  
1:10 AM [DarkPrince] yeah  
  
1:10 AM [Buttwizard] That's all I can tell you for certain. Without a subject to study or a means with which to traverse realities safely, we're very limited on information. I'll see what written works I can find involving crispiness.  
  
1:11 AM [GnomeHunter] Eli could probably help  
  
1:11 AM [Buttwizard] Yes, but he's asleep.  
  
1:11 AM [Nomura] He's on steam.  
  
1:11 AM [Buttwizard] What do you mean by that?  
  
1:12 AM [KannibalKilla] It means he's awake and playin video games  
  
1:12 AM [OldMandale] So would travelling to a more crispn'ter reality be dangerous? You said somebody from said reality wouldn't survive here because of high levels of crispiness  
  
1:12 AM [Buttwizard] I'm not sure, but Morgana must be somewhere and it's not earth. At least not ours.  
  
1:12 AM [GnomeHunter] So what? We just act like it's not happening, and wait until we do know something?  
  
1:13 AM [Blinky] Vendel wants to leave by sundown. I'm afraid that until we have the time and proper equipment, that's exactly what we must do.  
  
1:13 AM [KannibalKilla] aight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're right at the end, my dudes/dudettes. Thank you for reading this shitfest of a story. Look for the s e q u e l tho


End file.
